Dreaming
I have spent this week dreaming. Dreaming of a life that is unknown to me. A place, that is not a destination, rather a state of being. A place where my soul is at peaceful rest. I have not known a place like that in some time.
Is there such a place where I can find my soul, my passion, my livelihood? I have moments of serenity, only to be bombarded by all of my plans, people's agendas and my emotions. I can give the christian pat answer, which is...finding my all in Christ Jesus, my Lord. This is true, I believe it. There are moments where truth is not always true to me. I am not saying that it is not valid, but it doesn't seem relevant to what my heart is saying. Sometimes, when I recite scriptural things, I feel as if I am trying to work up a mental image to pacify my need. I wonder if I really believe what it is I claim to. Because if I did, would the inquiries I have be lingering in my heart?
I question at times whether or not my belief in God lies in what is tangible. I wish that my hope were birthed from within and not from what is known, from faith and not from what I see. I am soothed, when I see things coming together for my good. It makes me happy to know that for a moment it seems as if everything is right in the world.
But it isn't.
There is a fine line between enjoying the moment and the falseness of it all. Yes, things are wonderful, beautiful, amazing. Then the voice comes into my head saying, "There is another side to this coin." Things are also ugly, terrifying, and shitty. I am in that place right now. Where things seem so spectacular that you cannot imagine anything more glorious, to know in my spirit something will inevitably destroy it. How can good be so good, if bad is so very bad?
I have spent the week dreaming. Dreaming of a life that is unknown to me. A life where I am not stressed out about working, going to school full-time, and the pressures I put on myself to do well. A life where there is only love and no ambiguity. A life where I am my beloved's and he is mine. A life where my hope is birthed from faith.
Kat
posted by Kat @ 3:31 PM
<< Home