I am not one of those people.
In the book of Jeremiah God says to Jeremiah," For I know the plans I have for you. I have plans to prosper not to harm you, but to give you a future and a hope."
Over the last year I have intellectualized this repeatedly. I have questioned my calling in life, I have questioned the person that I know that God has created (is creating) me to be. I use both terms because I know that I am a work in progress. Through the shaping of who I am within a community, in relationship with the triune God, I am never going to be complete. That is the beauty of evolving, my friends.
I decided on my last day in Hawaii that I was going to stay at Urbanchurch. I had a definitive moment with God on the beach, and at a little cafe, from about 5:30am-10:00am. I cannot really put words to what God did, I just know that I was forever changed on the morning at the beach as I experienced a depth of love and adoration toward God.
I know I left the situation realizing that in order to be true to the tenacious spirit that God has knit into me, I needed to stay. I need to be the leader/pastor/whatever that I am supposed to be, despite my questioning. I questions time and again if I was this person because other people said so, but the reality is that I know. This is the place that I find my resolve, in knowing that I am being the person that God has created me. The reality is the definition of who I am will not be found in being a leader but it will be found in being God's child. To be honest...I am not sure that the "who" of who I am can truly ever be known as I am a changing person. Every moment, every experience shapes us...
I came back knowing in part that my decision was reflectant of people that are my friends and confidants opinion's of what I should do...some of their opinions...others thought I should leave. It came down to bottom line...when I stopped being critical, stopped intellectualizing, and listened to the small voice of God within my own beating heart...I knew that I could not be content knowing I did not stay. Once that happened it was as if passion flowed. I could dream of the church again, I could hope again, and I was able to see the dawn of a new beginning.
Now...here is the catch. Yes I am staying at urbanchurch and I am going to be an ACTIVE part of the community and help make it somewhere I want to be and that other's would want to be... building a family.
I am still going to go to school. I am going to keep pursuing this other direction and continue toward my Sociology degree until it becomes apparent to me and to the people around me(or at least the people that have earned the right to be heard) that it is time to do something else.
Next quarter I will still be taking a full-load, but I am making more time for people...which means less time for me...and I think that is ok for now.
But this summer...I will be free. I will only be working and I will be able to spend more time doing what I love...caring for people.
posted by Kat @ 10:28 PM
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