Choices
I was reading the Magician's Nephew by C.S. Lewis the other morning. I was reflecting upon the part where Digory and Polly are in the Woods between the World. They have just realized that with the green rings they can choose a pool and it will transplant them into a different world. Lewis describes the woods to be a placid place, a place that was seemingly tranquil.
I thought about how through out life we are faced with different choices. We have the ability to live for good or evil. To fight the good fight or sit on our ass and do nada. We have the choice between organic, fair-trade, locally roasted, french press coffee and the ever-evil corporate Starbucks, knowing our addictions always overcome our will to do right...we choose which ever is most convenient. Paper, plastic, your own cloth bag, drive or public transportation, veggies or Big Mac(if you haven't seen Super Size Me...see it), PBR or a couple dollars more for the IPA, Kerry or Bush...okay I will stop here. With all of these choices it makes me stop and wonder...does it really matter in the end? Do our choices really make a difference?
Erwin Mcmanus in his book, Seizing your Divine Moment(thomas nelson publishers...you must pick it up) says this,
"The divine potential of a moment is unlocked by the choices we make. Each moment's personal, historic, and eternal value is directly related to the choices we must make within it. If a moment is the gate through which your divine journey begins, then choice is the key that unlocks the adventure."
He goes on to say,
" The most spiritual activity you will engage in today is making choices. All the other activities that we describe as spiritual-worship, prayer, meditation,-are there to connect us to God and prepare us to live. While moments are the context within which we live, choices chart the course and determine the destination."
Holy Crap. If what McManus says is true, I am F***ED. Every choice I have is the potential to unlock my adventure? I don't know about you but I do not feel the tranquility of the woods of the world like Digory and Polly felt when faced with choices. I feel...terrified.
Do you remember Choose your own Adventure books when you were a kid? I loved those books. I loved that no matter what choice I made I could always go back and change it. I could change my decisions to have the best scenario win out in the end. I loved the control. I loved that everything could be defined in it's nice, neat ordered package. A+B always came to the sum of C. Perhaps my strong affection came from the knowledge that I could make things right.
That is not the world I live in anymore.
I used to live in a place where everything was black and white. Clear-cut, straight across the board biblical answers, everything had it's place, I knew what I wanted, where I was going. I wanted to plant a church, be a pastor, care for people, preach, teach, encourage young people, build up the body, make disciples, love people to Jesus...the list could go on and on.
But there is not a list anymore.
Today I have no clue where I am going, what I want to do. The only things I have to guide me are a couple of burned out passions that left marks. I am so passionate yet jaded about the church. I love writing, yet am so insecure. I have a love/hate relationship with christians. I love the people who are intelligent and thoughtful of their faith...I cannot stand the robots who do not think with the brain that the God they worship gave them to use. I still somewhat like the idea of being a church planter...if I got to pick the people in my church. Then again maybe not..I still have issues to work out in regard to the vineyard church planting model.
With all of that said...I am confused, tired, and sick of the world and the church the way it is. Yet my presence in this world, the choices I make, have an impact, so I have to be an active participant. I cannot choose to sit on my arse and not play.
I am going back to school at the end of this month. Usually in situations like this I would sit down and chart out the next four years and know what classes I was going to take, which school I was transferring to, and which graduate schools I will be applying to in four years. This is the first time in my life I am not planning everything out. All I know is that I am taking a step. It was something that has been eating at me for a few years now. God or my own insecurity about not having a degree? God's plan or my own plan? My desires being his desire because he is in me? I am not sure...then again I still do not know what I think about the idea of God's plans or purpose in our lives. If the plan is simply that we know him...I get that. If there are certain tasks or things we are put here to do... I don't get that. I see that in scripture that was never the rule it was the exception. Think about all of the other thousands of people that were followers of God that were not written about. God was still their God...they were just not cool enough to be written about....maybe?
I guess the bottom line is that I do have choice. It is a beautiful thing that my God loves me enough to allow me to choose to love him...that it is not something that I am programmed to do. It is a glorious thing that my choices effect my future, other's futures, my community, and my world. I truly can make a difference by the way I live...good or bad. There will be a history about me. I will live on in the lives of the people around me, in stories, in songs. Just as my mother's smile is on my face, my movements mimicking hers, so will I live on in the people around me.
Which adventure to choose?
Hopefully today I will choose to love as if it were my last day to love, hug as if it were the last chance to feel someone against my skin, and embrace each beautiful gift that we are given with each choice that is before us.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
posted by Kat @ 11:21 PM
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