Wondering if it is all worth it?
I was in class last Friday working on a group project. We have to simulate a social movement for our final project. We have decided to start a movement that seeks to raise awareness of mental health issues in the Portland metro area. To shed light on an otherwise touchy subject, and perhaps break down the shame for those who may struggle. It is our experience that people with mental disorders are marginalized in our society and we seek to provide education that promotes wellness for the people of Portland.That is just an example of some of what I said during class. According to Vanda, Kelly, and Krishna I am the smart one in our group. They are deferring all communication work to me. It made me feel really good that people thought I was smart.
All of my life I have viewed myself as the silly girl. Yeah sometimes I am a little slow to the uptake. I am so bubbly and outgoing that it comes off as...well ditzy. For the first time in a long time I am beginning to think that I may be smart. I am wondering if this is something that actually may have been going on for awhile. Curtis told me that I was smart a couple of years ago...I didn't believe him at the time, but I think I may be starting to. I also realized that I am one of the people who would be REALLY smart if I applied myself, but am too busy with other things to give 100% to it.
Last night I went to my Architectural History class and did not know that it was our midterm test(ditzy moment). I had not studied at all. I actually have not studied at all for that class. I have been taking notes, staying awake during the films, but no studying. I completely bombed the test. All of my other classes I am doing fine, I have an A in each of them, this one though...yeah I am a little screwed. I sat through the film before the test and wondered if it was worth it? All of this pressure that I am putting on myself is robbing me of the joy of learning.
I sat in class and wondered if this was the right thing. Is all of the energy that I am using being invested or wasted? Is this the right thing for me, or is it what I am doing because it is something I was socialized to believe I should do? Go to college, get a degree, have a career, invest in my 401K, buy stock, and live happily ever after.
Or is it something different? Could it be investing in the lives of people? Or caring for the environment? Taking what I do know and using it for the bettering of the world. You don't need a degree to practice kindness, love, and grace.
I guess if me going to school to prove that I am smart was the goal it is accomplished. Did I really need to sit through a class to have someone tell me that to believe it to be true? Is it something that maybe if I were to look at myself I could see without someone having to tell me. There is a sociological theory that is called the Looking Glass theory, which states that a person becomes who they are because of who other people view them as.
This is definitely true in my life. I am a product of my environment, how people view me, how God views me.
I guess I just wonder if it is worth it. I wonder if what I am looking for is not going to be found in a career, in a degree, in a 401K. If it cannot be found in these things, then where is it?
And what exactly am I looking for again?
posted by Kat @ 1:41 PM
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