Broken Single Girl
I think the older I get the more I realized how screwed up I really am. The years are not forgiving, but instead they bring about more trials, insecurities, and hurt. At the same time, joy, perserverance, and new found faith. Faith that perhaps would not have been birthed otherwise.Last week I met a man. Everytime I feel something new that is scary to me...it is automatically deemed weird. It took me a week to realize that what was weird was that this person struck a vunerable place in me, a place that very few people touch...I should say very few attractive, single men touch. I was struck by his kindness, authenticity, and his vunerability. It is not often that I feel good things about people in a first meeting.
Second meeting he touched me a few times. The were not just friendly conversational touches either. There were four or five of them and they were "touchy touchy". Not completely inappropriate or anything...just more intimate than conversational touch.
This has led me into some deep introspective analysis of me. I am realizing that a lot of the person of Kat, that I put forth is not the vunerable Kat. It is part of me, but not all of me. With attractive single boys, they see the bitchy closed up Kat. My friends see pretty much everything, but I realized...God is the only one who sees all of me. I disclose way more to him than I do to everyone else...basically because he already knows.
There is this part of me that is so fragile and sensitive that often is covered up with sarcasm. There is a part of me that is so broken, that I don't know how to fix it. There is a part of me that feels so complete with God being the Lover of my soul, but other times that just wants to have someone physical here to come home to and make me a cup of tea and hug me when I cry. Yet I feel like I need to be okay being alone. That I need to be satisfied, while most of the time I am, sometimes I am not.
One of the chapters of my book, Single in the Church, is about embracing singleness. To accept the reality that you may be alone. Live life to the fullest the way that God intends all of his creation to do. Sitting around whining will not do you any good. Then I start to talk about the Eeyore syndrome, the oh woe is me stuff....perhaps I need to deal with this a bit more delicately...have a bit more compassion. I started that chapter when I was having a "being content with singleness" day.
I am content. I am happy. I think that I question if I am single perhaps because of my own demise, my own fear.
I wonder how many times in life we miss out on what God is doing because our own junk gets in the way?
Perhaps this is one of those times...
posted by Kat @ 9:28 PM
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