Two Years...
I just finished reading my last post about supporting Obama and so much has changed in the last two years. I had Ezra two years ago on the 21st, I got a little closer to finishing my degree, and we elected Obama as President in November 2008. There are a great many things that have changed over the last two years and the primary one is that I became a mother.Two years ago I remember feeling excitement and anticipation about the arrival of our son and now two years later I am exhausted. I adore him more than anything, but definitely I have realized the toils of motherhood. The idealization that I brought into my life as a mother is one thing I constantly struggle with. I fight with feeling like I don't measure up, feeling like I could always be doing better, and strive daily to be a "good" mom. After much soul searching I have realized this issue isn't something that is directly caused by being a mother-it is just an issue that has exacerbated itself through my new role as a mom.
I have realized in a new way how much of a performance based person I am and I hate that. I felt like in so many ways I was healed from this part of my life, but I am wondering if that is possible. Meaning I wonder if it is just a part of my personality/temperament. Growing up in an unhealthy home I felt as if I needed to "measure up" in order to be loved, but when I accepted Jesus I received His unconditional love for me and I began to live in His Grace and not in my own works. For some reason as a student and as a mother I have not allowed this to carry over. Being a student and a Mom to a certain extent has given me guidelines in which to follow in order to be successful for instance: 1) As a student, study hard=receive good grades. I am successful in the eyes of others and I find value in that rather than where I should find value.
I started writing this before I left for church this evening and the message was on the Kingdom or "reign" of God in our lives and the parables Jesus told over and over all pointing to this elusive "kingdom". God's reign in our lives and how living completely for the Kingdom of God means that our lives will be very different from what our culture looks like. I really want to be Kingdom focused and basically just love God with everything I have yet I constantly feel as if my heart is so far from where I want it to be. Is this a performance issue? I just feel so pulled in so many directions I am in desperate need to focus on the things that are the most important-God and my family. Over the next couple of weeks I am doing some serious "detox" work in my life in regard to analyzing areas of my heart and life that are in desperate need of some attention and also begin to rework some areas where I have really not established healthy boundaries for myself or my family. One of these things is how much time I spend in "me" time lately reading, cleaning, or obsessing over cookbooks. I am going to find some ways to simplify my tasks as well as take some time away from the computer. I am planning a week fast from Internet access and television in the next couple of weeks. Hopefully all of these things will draw me into a better place where I can feel a greater sense of completeness and also realigned my heart.
posted by Kat @ 11:32 AM
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