Erin Hagarty
I am going to tell the story of Erin. I am thinking that if I write about it maybe it will help with the healing process.Erin was my best friend for several years. We met in a church situation, she went off to college, we kept in touch off and on. Erin was one of the most amazing people I had ever known. Bright, compassionate, occasionally warm. She was definitely someone you wanted around.
Erin began to have problems when she was away at school. She went to UW for two years, and like most students became a great pupil of mixology. Erin at that time was self-admittedly in need of God to do something. She was in a very dark place, and needed out. So I went to visit her.
I spent sometime with her and encouraged her to come home. I offered anything she needed let me know and I would be there for her. She left Seattle, moved in with my sister and I, and was doing better. We became closer and closer as we lived together for almost a year.
She is the person I cried to, laughed with, talked about boys with. We did youth group together, which was hard, but we got through it. Erin decided about a year and a half later to move to Puyallup WA. I wanted her to do what God was saying, I encouraged her, but often regret that decision.
She was attending what I would call the Vineyard Fellowship of the Complete Assholes. Sorry it is the only way I could think to say it. It is MY blog so I can say whatever I want. Let's just say I don't have a huge respect for people who hurt other people in the name of Jesus. The Jesus I know is pretty good about wanting to protect, not harm people.
She was there for a couple of years and I knew that at some point we would end up not being friends anymore. One, because I know her and I know how she doesn't always put people in the best light and any failings I have were going to not be communicated in a positive light, which would lead people to inevitably discourage her from being around someone like "me". God forbid I would be a bad influence. Two, I knew that she was going to be sucked into the "Christian us and them mentality." Again, God forbid that we actually have interaction with the world around us. They need to come to where we are, we don't need to go to them. Yeah you know I think that is crap. Hmm...did we ascend to heaven or did God come here? Hmm..think He came here...yeah I think that's how it goes. Sorry for the sarcasm.
Over a two year period we became increasingly distant. We visited each other, talked on the phone, but I knew we were growing apart. I could feel it even before I really comprehended what was going on. It all hit the fan when I told her I wasn't going to be involved with ministry anymore. At the time I was living with some people and was feeling increasingly agitated with my surroundings. I was not in a place where I was being nurtured in any sense of the word and over a period of about 6 months grew more and more irritated, jaded, and fussy. I decided to take a break from any form of ministry before I became so burned out and critical I would never go back. She did not agree with this decision. She wasn't really sure that it was a God thing, I knew that it was.
I spent the months of November-March questioning, writing, struggling, crying, fighting, hurting, reading, and came to the conclusion that where I was, although hard was the best place I had been in a long time. LIfe was being birthed within me in a way that could have never happened if I did not wrestle with the unknown, question the certainties that directed my life, and realize all that I once knew was not truly known.
I think I scared Erin. I think my questions frightened her. Perhaps that is why she did the most disgusting thing that was ever done in my adulthood. I cannot imagine what it would be like to not have the freedom to wonder, that anything that was not comprehendable was thrown out. It saddens me to think that people actually live like this. To me, it seems easier to try and find the beauty in the things that may not seem pleasing. For some I suppose it is easier to clean it all out.
Erin and I were on the phone on a Saturday afternoon. I don't remember what exactly we were talking about. I was talking about something, then my signal faded, I realized I needed to take a shower and forgot to call back. I called her a couple of weeks later, again a week after that and asked about these overalls that she had of mine. I jokingly on the message said, "Yeah I haven't talked to you in awhile...wondering if we are still friends."
About a week later I received the box with the overalls and a note. The note basically said that I was going off the deep end, I need to find a biblically-based church, get prayer, because I am in desperate need of healing. The letter stated she wished to have nothing to do with me anymore, do not contact her via email, she erased my address. Do not call she will not call back. Do not write...you get the point.
I still cry about it 8 months later. I cannot explain how it feels to have someone who you wanted to be apart of your life for the rest of it erase you. She was going to be my maid of honor. We were going to have our kids play together. Her kids were going to beat mine up, my kids would pray for hers. I would cook dinners for the family get togethers, she would make the desserts. We would make freezer jam and Irish soda bread. I would be able to call her to get her aunt's breakfast pancake recipe. She would call to tell me about what stupid thing happened. She was my best friend.
We used to stay up late and watch movies together. She loved chocolate cake, with chocolate frosting, and 1% milk. She would leave the cups with a little bit of milk on the bottom in the living room and I would scrub the cup later. She made me laugh so hard I threw up. One morning trying to be a nice friend I decided I was going to bring her cinnamon rolls for breakfast, forgetting she was allergic to cinnamon. She said, "What are you trying to kill me?"
Through all of the irritations, love, laughter, tears, and joy she was my friend. And now she is not. I wonder if you ever really heal from loss. I do know it feels like she is dead. Even though I know she isn't. It is still hard after all of these months to imagine my life without her. Sometimes when something really amazing happens I wish she were there for me to share it with. I am sad that she will not be there when I graduate, at my wedding, or when my babies are born.
I wonder if she feels the same way. I wonder if I could have her back in my life someday. Instantly I think there is no way I could ever trust her again. I could forgive her, but I couldn't ever give as much as I did. It hurts to know that this situation tied in with another has made me not be trusting. It sucks to be hurt, I wish I could say I have moved on but I am still really pissy about the whole thing.
Hopefully in another 8 months it will hurt less. Or do these pains always linger? Are these the hurts that never truly heal? The wounds that are always open, always oozing, constant throbbing.
I am need of some healing salve. I don't think that is because I have gone off the deep end. I think it is because I realize that we are all in need. We are all desperate.
I am not ashamed to admit it, it would just be nice to be told without being excommunicated.
posted by Kat @ 4:05 PM
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