Birthing
Am I “emerging”? And what would it mean if I was? Truth be told, I don’t know what I am. I’m comfortable with Christian, but beyond that, I don’t have a clue. I don’t seem to fit anywhere, and I’ve given up trying. As I slowly figure out that God doesn’t dislike me, I’m learning to live without the validation of the religious big boys, and that makes me a much more forgiving person. I find that working on my own spiritual practice leaves me less concerned with where I fit on Christianity’s organizational chart. For now, I’m content to have friends who know me and love me as I figure out how to know and love myself. I will greedily take all the grace that I can find. I wouldn’t trade the healing I’m beginning to find for anything.-Christy Dry Bones Dance Blog
I have spent the week praying, wrestling, drinking, and resting. It has been a good week for me to assess all of the thoughts that have been stirring in me. I read this today and resonate so deeply with it. So deeply that I feel as if the words are my own.
This week has been a week where my dreams seem to be weaving this tapestry of mystery and grace. Reading over old journal entries, silently, gently feeling as if the Spirit is hovering as my finite mind tries to grasp the thoughts of the Infinite. I can see how ever so gracefully, as I write, I feel as if these ideas are not flowing from my intellect, but from One that is spinning the vision of new life.
I started an essay this week on the birthing process. I have never had a child, yet I feel as if the things I am emotionally experiencing in the birthing of the new me. There are so many things that are like being pregnant, like coming into motherhood, that are happening in this God-birthing in me time. I have been feeling the Mary connection. All she knew was that she was pregnant by the Holy Spirit, as this life was growing in her belly. All I know is that God is birthing things in me, developing things in me, to birth something new. To plow ahead for future generations, to mother in the church.
One of my favorite quotes is by St. Irenaeus who says:
The glory of God is a human being fully alive.
That is what I sense God is birthing in me. The ability to be fully alive, without my insecurities, my ideas of calling, and the ME. Part of what is birthing is the Son within my womb. The Christ within me. The Incarnate Jesus growing in my belly. During pregnancy, you are caring for the child, taking pre-natal vitamins, eating well, and talking to the baby in your tummy. As the pregnancy moves forward, you are growing more and more impatient to see your little life. I have heard through several different sources that during the last months of pregnancy you feel as if the baby is taking over your entire body, you just want the damn thing out. This is mixed with the emotions of wanting to see the baby, wanting to nurture, to hold to love the child. This is how I am feeling both about the Jesus in me and the church God is encouraging me to plant.
I feel ready for all of these pages I have written, all of these years of waiting, developing, doubt, fear of coming into life. There are times during the pregnancy you question if you can do it, you are filled with insecurity and you change your mind. The only thing is you are too far into it to turn back. I have all of these questions in my mind, but I also come back to the resolve of knowing I am too far I have to get the thing out. I feel like I have been sitting nesting for longer than I realistically have. I guess these thoughts have been stirring in me for years, it just feels so frustrating, I am ready to start pushing. I feel like I want to at least try to start and if things don't work then you scrap them and try again. Then again I do not want to push prematurely...lots of bad things could happen if you push before you are dialated.
Maybe I need some pitocin.
posted by Kat @ 2:21 PM
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