River and the Dance
I had this dream in the hour of sleep I had a couple of days ago. It started out with me at some sort of dance. I was switching partners frequently and consistently in the changing pattern I was spending long amounts of time with one person in particular. This person was making me really uncomfortable in the ways in which he was looking at me. He was kind of bright eyed and almost seemed really in awe of me. I kept switching partners quickly to avoid his gaze because it was quite piercing and overwhelming. I switched to a few others but the one who stood out was, "Sam Seabourne" who is a character from the West Wing and I have been quite obsessed with the West Wing again lately. The others had a name to symbolize other areas of my life-one writer, one teacher, husband, and someone else. Each one I was trying to dance with instead of the guy who was chomping at the bit to be with me.
Fast forward to me brushing the guy off and telling him, "I am not really in a place where I am ready to spend that much time with you right now." Scene change.
I am in a boat with the same guy who has taken form of an old friend of mine who was a really Jesus-y guy. We were in the ocean and he was rowing this boat and I felt bad that I was just sitting there and I offered help because he seemed to be going really slow. He declined but after a few more minutes I became uncomfortable with our current slow speed and I took over. He said, "I can do it fast on my own" and we started to go VERY fast as if we were on a speed boat that twirled all around and I was holding on for dear life. I became increasingly scared yet was slightly exhilarating. He said, "See I CAN do it without you". We ended the trip in the Yakima river in a slow portion that was slightly relaxing.
I woke up. There is so much to read into here but the bottom line is this: I have taken over in my journey of life and I am charting the course. I am scared to be deeply intimate with Jesus because it is highly overwhelming. To a certain degree it feels easier to just be than to be engaged. Sounds bad even as I type it but I honestly did feel overwhelmed with Jesus. While I know that it isn't supposed to be that way because his burden is light I never felt that way. I always felt there was something more that I was supposed to be doing that I wasn't. Now that I haven't been engaged for awhile I still feel that way it is just about different things. I guess I wonder this:
This overwhelming sense that I should be doing something more I wonder if it is necessarily God/Jesus or it is me. I wonder if perhaps these pressures I feel are not divine but more the daily pressures I put on myself from my neurotic sense that I always have to be in order. While it sounds crazy I also know for a fact that if I were not organized I would probably be even more insane-it is how I manage my anxiety.
How do I get it all together? Or perhaps how to I accept that it won't be?
Honesty, Transparency and Acceptance
For the past couple of weeks I have been processing through an issue I had in relationship with a friend. It was really gut-wrenching for me because I had to look into things I didn't want to look into-specifically into the things that I want in a relationship. For me the top three things are: Honesty, Transparency and Love/Acceptance. I think that love and acceptance go together so I didn't give them each their own category. When I realized that these were three things that I valued I began to ask myself the following questions:
1) What does it mean for me to be honest in a relationship? Am I able to be completely honest with this person or do I withhold?
2) Am I able to be transparent with this person? Can this person see through me and give me accountability in areas?
3) Can I be myself completely and have this person still love me and accept me even if I am different?
I put all of my friendships in this grid and realized so many of my relationships do fit into the things that I value (whew). It did make me realize how I need to work through issues with people as soon as they happen or right when my feelings are hurt rather than bursting out of frustration when something negative happens. I also realized (again) that issues that bug you need to be addressed right away rather than not being talked about because it just makes things more difficult later.
Overall it was a healthy processing time for me to get down to the core in another part of my life.
Priorities, Values and Time
I have spend a great amount of time over this last extended weekend while reading and spending time with friends and family to begin my process of establishing my priorities. My goal is to figure out what are priorities and values and organize my time in such a way that they are aligned with each other. I have a whole list of things that are important to me, but often I focus on the ones I like rather than the ones I don't. For instance one of the things I value is being active. I love being busy and doing things outside of our house with Ezra. Lately we have been doing activities outside everyday when Ez and I are at home, but I really want to include Daddy in our fun times.
My Values and PrioritiesBeing a loving gushy Mommy who delights in my child. I want to be near him and give him as much physical affection and verbal praise that he will allow me to:) (As a child I lacked this so I am very intentional about this)
Being a patient loving wife who listens to my husband. (As a child I also did not have this modeled, so I am WORKING on this BIG time)
Being an active healthy family. Over the course of the last couple of weeks I have felt better than ever eating the way we have and I hope to continue to find ways to nourish and care for my family in healthy ways-both physically and practicing emotionally health as well. When Carter and I have conflict I have been really intentional about allowing Ez see us work it out and make up and kiss in the end.
Taking care of my needs and looking to the needs of my family. I suck at this big time. I can be such a martyr sometimes and I really am working in this specifically to the needs of my husband.
Building healthy relationships and community. I really struggle with being vulnerable with new people but I am working on it and trying to build relationships with other Mom's so Ezra will have friends and also being active in church again. It is so hard to stick to this one especially when we are exhausted or super busy.
I am realizing that just with the ones listed there is a lot of work and time that will go into this and I am looking forward to organizing more of my life to be able to focus my time accordingly.
Two Years...
I just finished reading my last post about supporting Obama and so much has changed in the last two years. I had Ezra two years ago on the 21st, I got a little closer to finishing my degree, and we elected Obama as President in November 2008. There are a great many things that have changed over the last two years and the primary one is that I became a mother.
Two years ago I remember feeling excitement and anticipation about the arrival of our son and now two years later I am exhausted. I adore him more than anything, but definitely I have realized the toils of motherhood. The idealization that I brought into my life as a mother is one thing I constantly struggle with. I fight with feeling like I don't measure up, feeling like I could always be doing better, and strive daily to be a "good" mom. After much soul searching I have realized this issue isn't something that is directly caused by being a mother-it is just an issue that has exacerbated itself through my new role as a mom.
I have realized in a new way how much of a performance based person I am and I hate that. I felt like in so many ways I was healed from this part of my life, but I am wondering if that is possible. Meaning I wonder if it is just a part of my personality/temperament. Growing up in an unhealthy home I felt as if I needed to "measure up" in order to be loved, but when I accepted Jesus I received His unconditional love for me and I began to live in His Grace and not in my own works. For some reason as a student and as a mother I have not allowed this to carry over. Being a student and a Mom to a certain extent has given me guidelines in which to follow in order to be successful for instance: 1) As a student, study hard=receive good grades. I am successful in the eyes of others and I find value in that rather than where I should find value.
I started writing this before I left for church this evening and the message was on the Kingdom or "reign" of God in our lives and the parables Jesus told over and over all pointing to this elusive "kingdom". God's reign in our lives and how living completely for the Kingdom of God means that our lives will be very different from what our culture looks like. I really want to be Kingdom focused and basically just love God with everything I have yet I constantly feel as if my heart is so far from where I want it to be. Is this a performance issue? I just feel so pulled in so many directions I am in desperate need to focus on the things that are the most important-God and my family. Over the next couple of weeks I am doing some serious "detox" work in my life in regard to analyzing areas of my heart and life that are in desperate need of some attention and also begin to rework some areas where I have really not established healthy boundaries for myself or my family. One of these things is how much time I spend in "me" time lately reading, cleaning, or obsessing over cookbooks. I am going to find some ways to simplify my tasks as well as take some time away from the computer. I am planning a week fast from Internet access and television in the next couple of weeks. Hopefully all of these things will draw me into a better place where I can feel a greater sense of completeness and also realigned my heart.
Living with Passion-Obama 08
As of lately I have become pretty passionate about politics. This part of me was another part of me that I ignored because I became so focused on "building the kingdom" that I forgot to care about things that are "helping my neighbors." I do not think that religiousity should dictate political standpoints. However I do believe hand and hand we can reconcile what we believe spiritually to be walked out in how we function politically and how we vote should reflect Jesus and His mission.
That is a hard thing to reconcile. One must look at the heart of the Gospel message as well as filter through all of the right-wing propaganda that would like to define who is a heretic based upon which party they claim. I can claim neither Republican nor Democrat to be after the heart of Jesus, yet I consistently lean toward Democrat and I am registered Democrat. For me this is a comfortable place, this fits me.
I can honestly say that I believe in my heart that God is concerned with healthcare issues. When a huge percentage of people pay almost 40% of their annual income toward health care costs I am reminded of what it means to have God provide for our needs. If we believe that God does so, then we need to be willing to take the necessary steps in order to see that change happen in our country. I can see that God cares for the extremely impoverished. When 1 billion people in our world live on less than a dollar a day, I see that God has called us to be active in the equality and justice of people. This is not a "mission to provide aid", it is a belief that we are all created equal and all deserve equal rights.
I cannot attribute my passion as of lately to anything other than the fact that I am going to be a mom soon. I want Ezra to grow up in an environment where he sees us as a family walking out what we believe in practical ways. That is why I am supporting Barack Obama. I believe in my gut that he has what it takes to make lasting change in our country, for the bettering of our neighbors, for the good of mankind. For those of you that are interested in partnering with me to find ways in which we can support Obama's campaign as well as be pro-active for change in our country-let's talk.
I know it seems crazy....a woman who is about ready to give birth wanting to help with a campaign. But if you support Obama or would like more information-let's talk.
Waiting....waiting...waiting
We found out about a month ago that we are having a boy. Three thoughts ran through my head as the Dr. gave me this information:
1) What am I going to do with a boy!?!?!?
2) Oh my gosh....my poor son is going to be such a metrosexual.
3) I have a penis growing inside of me...gross.
So little Ezra has been hanging out in my tummy and I am starting to reach my done point of pregnancy. I am tired all of the time. I feel like I am not accomplishing much but I guess I do have another human growing inside of me so that is something:) We are VERY excited for little Ez to make his entrance so that we can embrace him and begin to familiarize ourselves with this little person God has blessed us with.
My last day of work was this past Monday and I am surprised at how busy I have been. There are so many things that I have neglected to do because I was at work or just too tired. Today I am cleaning and getting ready for my family to come over for the baby shower this weekend.
Currently I am trying to find the drive to finish my Biology and Speech class homework. I know class is almost over, but I am having difficulty focusing on school when there is a baby on the way!
New Baby Trick
Our little one has discovered how to kick mommy's bladder in such a way that I leak a little pee in my pants. It is quite interesting. I am glad that my baby is kicking and moving around alot, but it is kinda nutty to have to change my clothes at least once a week. Funny, but annoying.
Things are progressing nicely...I feel huge. I probably feel this way because I am. I am feeling more and more anxious as the time dwindles away. I cannot believe I am going to be a mommy in the next couple of months. My world is a weird world right now. There are times where I feel so ready and cannot wait to meet this little person who has taken over my body, then there are the other times. Those times are the stressy-filled times where I cannot imagine my life any more crazy than it is. Carter and I have been having discussion after discussion about how this is going to work, how we are going to balance schedules when I go back to school, how we are going to make finances work, and how we are going to be parents. It is all a little much!
We are both nervous and excited about our little addition to make his/her appearance in June!
