River and the Dance
I had this dream in the hour of sleep I had a couple of days ago. It started out with me at some sort of dance. I was switching partners frequently and consistently in the changing pattern I was spending long amounts of time with one person in particular. This person was making me really uncomfortable in the ways in which he was looking at me. He was kind of bright eyed and almost seemed really in awe of me. I kept switching partners quickly to avoid his gaze because it was quite piercing and overwhelming. I switched to a few others but the one who stood out was, "Sam Seabourne" who is a character from the West Wing and I have been quite obsessed with the West Wing again lately. The others had a name to symbolize other areas of my life-one writer, one teacher, husband, and someone else. Each one I was trying to dance with instead of the guy who was chomping at the bit to be with me.Fast forward to me brushing the guy off and telling him, "I am not really in a place where I am ready to spend that much time with you right now." Scene change.
I am in a boat with the same guy who has taken form of an old friend of mine who was a really Jesus-y guy. We were in the ocean and he was rowing this boat and I felt bad that I was just sitting there and I offered help because he seemed to be going really slow. He declined but after a few more minutes I became uncomfortable with our current slow speed and I took over. He said, "I can do it fast on my own" and we started to go VERY fast as if we were on a speed boat that twirled all around and I was holding on for dear life. I became increasingly scared yet was slightly exhilarating. He said, "See I CAN do it without you". We ended the trip in the Yakima river in a slow portion that was slightly relaxing.
I woke up. There is so much to read into here but the bottom line is this: I have taken over in my journey of life and I am charting the course. I am scared to be deeply intimate with Jesus because it is highly overwhelming. To a certain degree it feels easier to just be than to be engaged. Sounds bad even as I type it but I honestly did feel overwhelmed with Jesus. While I know that it isn't supposed to be that way because his burden is light I never felt that way. I always felt there was something more that I was supposed to be doing that I wasn't. Now that I haven't been engaged for awhile I still feel that way it is just about different things. I guess I wonder this:
This overwhelming sense that I should be doing something more I wonder if it is necessarily God/Jesus or it is me. I wonder if perhaps these pressures I feel are not divine but more the daily pressures I put on myself from my neurotic sense that I always have to be in order. While it sounds crazy I also know for a fact that if I were not organized I would probably be even more insane-it is how I manage my anxiety.
How do I get it all together? Or perhaps how to I accept that it won't be?
posted by Kat @ 7:29 PM
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