It is New Year's Eve...
and I am still in my pajamas at 1:18pm. I was up until 4:30am watching the final season of Sex and the City. I truly in my heart love the fact that a television series helps validate my single status.I called Curtis yesterday to say that I would not be coming to Yakima for New Year and we chat for awhile. It is so scary how much he has changed...for the good. He was telling me how he is looking at purchasing a practical car rather than own the gigantic truck he currently has. I miss my friend. It is only a few times in a person's life that someone truly gets you without having to spend several years divulging who you are to the other individual. It is nice to have someone get me. I feel like Curtis has gotten me from the beginning....either that or he is just great at listening...maybe it is both.
I am sitting here in my 9W glasses again...I don't know why I do this but I do. John Mayer is playing in the background and he is singing, "Why Georgia Why?"
The words that stick out to me are as follows:
Am I living it right? x3
Why Georgia why?
So what, so I've got a smile on
But it's hiding the quiet superstitions in my head
Don't believe me
When I say I've got it down
Everybody is just a stranger but
That's the danger in going my own way
I guess it's the price I have to pray
Still,"everything happense for a reason"
Is no reason not to ask myself
I had this dream about this friend of mine the other day. She was completely in love and happy, getting married, because she was pregnant and they got a good deal on an apartment on the upper west side. They were so happy and they delight in each other.
I was sick to my stomach by the sight of all of this happiness that when another one of my friend's kid started freaking out I offered to take them home so my friend could hang out at the party. I didn't know about the wedding, I was uncomfortable, I hid from the happiness and freed up other people to have fun, but I didn't have fun. I accepted that my lot was to care for the kids, do the behind the scene work, and let other people be in love, let other people have fun. Do you see the allegory in this?
Curtis at one point said that I was terrified of marriage. At the time I didn't believe him, now I know he was right. Another person told me that too..actually two other people. I am terrified of marriage, but I think it may be more than that. I think I am terrified of hoping for happiness. Because if I hope, then I can be disappointed. If I don't want it, and get it, I will be pleasantly surprised. It was nice to hear that he is terrified of it too...mainly so I didn't feel so dysfunctional.
Is it weird that I can hope for God to restore mankind, to alleviate poverty, to bring about social reconciliation and believe that it can be done, but I don't believe that a person to journey with can be provided?
Last night I watched Carrie settle for something great, but not the best. I know, I know...everyone thinks that they are a character from this show, but I cannot be put into the box of a fictional character. I did feel her pain when Big came back as she was preparing to move to Paris with Alexander. She asked him to leave, she didn't want him to screw things up again, and to not talk to her anymore. That is how I feel about Jesus sometimes. Sometimes I am completely in love with him, cannot imagine being with anyone else, then I feel disappointed with Him, and angry that at times I feel like He is not giving me what I need, that he screws things up. I am not going to cover that statement up with what I know to be true, I am just going to let it sit. He is a big God, and I know he can handle my honesty.
I hope this year I can trust more. Not just God but people, I don't want to fear people, and I want to trust what God says to me more.
I hope this year throught trusting more I will give more. Financially to charity, emotionally to my friends and family, and to God.
I hope this year I will listen more and walk out what I hear.
I hope that I will work on not being so self-depricating.
Of course the song that is playing now is Great Indoors:
Check your pulse it's proof, That you're not listening to
The call your life's been issuing you
The rhythm of a line of idle days
Scared of a world outside
You should go explore
Pull all the shaded and wander the great indoors
Though lately I can't blame you
I have seen the world
And sometimes I wish your room had room for two
So go unlock the door
And find what you are here for
Leave the great indoors
Please leave the great indoors.
I hope that I will continue to wrestle with the call.
posted by Kat @ 1:18 PM
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