Paralysis from Analysis
Tonight I went to Metro Vineyard for church. I did not want to get up this morning for Mosaic and I was at UG most of the day studying, so I needed a change of scenery. In addition, I have not been to Metro in a year or so and I thought it would be fun to give it a shot.It was small, intimate, and I knew all of the songs that they were singing, which was fantastic. One of the things that I am really digging about Mosaic is that they do familiar music, or at least a few familiar songs so I just am not sitting there. I really like being able to engage in song during worship, it has been nice to know most of the music instead of it changing constantly. I really dislike consistently changing music...it drives me nuts.
I was promptly greeted by Eric and Chase. I talked to Eric awhile about school and what I am doing...which is just shit. I really hate that I feel flaky because I am not wanting to be a "pastor" anymore. I really don't like that I have gone through a "change" in my career decisions. I really hate that I have left everything that was once so dear to me. But a girl has to do what a girl has to do.
Eric taught out of Mark 2, the story of Jesus healing the paralytic man. He said that Chase has a comment that he repeats often which is why the blog is titled,"Paralysis from Analysis". Meaning that we often paralyze ourselves and make no movement because we analyze everything. Sadly, I feel that way at times. During prayer I felt like God was talking to me about the church again. I said again, "Isn't it sad that I don't feel like I can walk in my giftings?" I was grieved again.
I want to be able to lead in a church again, but I don't. Not if it looks like what I tried to be for all of those years. The reality is....I faked it. I did what I was supposed to do, how I was supposed to in what structure was set up for me. Perhaps this was do to the extreme socialization of christian culture that I encountered, maybe it was due to the fact that I was so young that I wasn't encouraged to find my own voice, nor was I pushed into a falsetto voice, it was easier to be rather than to be-come, it was a comfort place. I emulated all that I observed, and because I reflected their leadership style, perhaps that is why I was "called to lead". The leader that I was is not the person that I am today, nor the person that I want to be in the future.
I feel like over the last few years I am finding my voice. I am finding the song that is my song to sing, my dance to dance, my journey to walk. I am blessed for the people that I have with me to listen, to dance, to walk with me, yet I know that will not last. I can feel the seperation happening with some people, that ties will gradually fade and I will move into the distant unknown with new ties, and hopefully with the anchors that have been my stabilizing force during this time.
My friend told me the other day that she doesn't think that I should be at Mosaic because it is allowing me to be in a comfortable place. She thinks that I should not be in leadership at a place like that because I will not be challenged or something like that. I don't agree, I think I am able to seperate all of the weirdo churchy structure stuff with who I am becoming. I don't think it will hinder me. But then again...I never thought I could see myself living in a city and being who I am today...I could possibly revert.
So here is my problem. I love people, I love church, I love caring for people, I hate feeling the pressure of having to do church a certain way in order to be a "church". If I were to plant a church it would not look ANYTHING like the churches that I see today. There is one church that is near and dear to my heart that everytime I think about it I get giddy, everytime I read something from there I feel alive and challenged.
It is in Seattle.
But the reality is...that is what type of church that I want to plant. That is what I have always envisioned a church I were to lead would look like. That is something I feel passion for, that is something that I believe is worth giving my life toward. I wish I could feel that way toward something that was already established.
I have spent the last few years going through some HUGE paradigmatic shifts in regard to the church, ministry, culture, what that looks like for Kate. I feel like now, I can somewhat begin to articulate what that is.
And to be honest...I don't have a fucking clue what that means.
posted by Kat @ 7:50 PM
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