thoughts on change within me(from last month)
I went into this weekend deciding that I was done with the Vineyard if I was irritated at ELI. I love my community in PDX, and with the exception of a few gliches like our church. I was tired of feeling out of place everytime I went to one of these conferences. I was tired of feeling like I was a heathenistic believer people needed to pray for. I was tired of fighting to be me.(The fight was perhaps an internal one for me to fight) It just seemed easier to not be involved anymore and hide in my community and not ever go to one of these things again. This was going to be the final one, no more conferences, no more pastor's conferences, nada.I think more than being tired of the vineyard I was beginning to be tired with me. I am physically tired. I am emotionally exhausted. I am fried out and feel as if I am going in too many directions. I had no idea what direction I am supposed to be going in. I am currently working on my Sociology degree, planning to go to graduate school. This has lead to much turmoil because all I have ever imagined myself to be is a pastor. The pastor I think God is(might be) birthing in me is not the pastor that I have seen. It is very different than what I originally thought...I am not the person that I thought I was going to be. In all of that I try to grasp the meaning of how I have come to be where I am, and realize that is a waste of time. It is a part of the great mystery, I will never comprehend and it is better to live in wonder than to toil in the fight for understanding.
I am also working full-time, trying to maintain friendships, and build new ones. I love people, it is energizing to be with people, I have also found my much needed away time. I need to go away and be with the Father.
I realized this weekend that I had been holding onto A LOT of bitterness. I was angry with the people that have hurt me, which lead me to be bitter. I became increasingly jaded, cynical, and mean. I was not being the person that God has created me to be. I was not brimming with the love that God has given me. Yet still, even now, I wonder how I can fight through to be the person God has(is) created(ing) me to be, and not be pushed to be something I am not. I have fought for so long to find out who I am(becoming), that it is hard when I have to edit my language, wear "appropriate" clothing, vote for "republican", not drink, and kiss dating good-bye. How do all of these boxes that are set up in our subculture not influence the way that I see myself? How do I not be frustrated when I feel as if to be a "good" Christian I have to ascribe to these and more idealogies, that are not all scripturally based. Oh wait...scripturally based according to that denomination, or that specific sect....right.
I just want to love Jesus the way that I love Jesus. If I walk with Jesus he is going to show me where I am wrong...right? I just want to be in a community that loves Jesus, and loves me as I struggle to find out what that looks like in my life, and what that looks like in OUR lives. I just want that community to not only be in Portland, but also in my friendships that extend out from here. I want to see that in my family, I want to see that in the vineyard. I hate that at time I feel as if I have to protect my friends from fundamentalism, I have to protect them from getting bad theology...or is it theology that I don't agree with!?!?!? I am so messed up...
I love Jesus more today than I did three years ago. My life just is a lot more real in how I do that. I hurt and feel instead of pretending like everything is fine. I share my intimate thoughts with people, not as afraid of rejection. I love until it hurts, l love some more, and I keep loving even though I am bleeding all over the place.
I received prayer for bitterness. I also received the first prophetic word that I have not been pissed off about in two years. The last two years every word that has been spoken over me had been about calling, plowing ahead for future generations, being an advocate for people, pastoring, stepping up to the plate, planting churches....blah blah blah. I was freaking sick of it. I was done. I didn't want to be that Kat anymore. I wanted to be normal Kat.
How does this all come together? I think that all of this is a part of the process.
posted by Kat @ 9:31 PM
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