Hard
I have been reflecting upon my life a lot lately. Most recently I have been thinking about high school...ten years ago. In less than a year will be my high school reunion and I look back upon my life and I am surprised at my reaction. I can take an honest assessment of myself and be pleased with my life. I see all of the decisions that I have made and I wouldn't change any of them. Well maybe a few...there were a few that I stayed inside myself, inside my darkness, and did not allow Light to come in...those times I regret. Yet I can still look at those as learning experiences.I have become quite surprised at how dramatically I have change and disappointed at how similar I am. I know that old habits die hard...but this is getting a bit ridiculous...ten years!?!??!?!?! I have decided perhaps by confessing this sin perhaps I can begin to peel this old paint away...so are you ready!?!?!? It is so pathetic and sad....
I AM NICE(FAKE) TOWARD PEOPLE THAT I DO NOT LIKE.
So I suppose one could say that I am not truly nice because it is not genuine. I developed this as a young child. I am sure it is because my mom does it and well...I watched her my entire life. Granted, I will say...my mother is one of the kindest people I know...but now she is a bit more honest...she does it because she has Christ's love for people. But me? Well I do have love for people...it just flows more freely to people I like...which included but is not limited to: drag queens, hurting people, homosexuals, really kind people, pretty much anyone who is disinfranchised. Well I guess I can sum it up by saying I like genuine people. I don't like disingenuious people. There you go.
So I find myself at 27 still faking it. I always try to find something good about someone, I cannot ever accept that I do not like someone. Right now though...I wish I could just say, " I don't like you...I haven't liked you and I have faked it because I don't want to hurt your feelings cause then you might think I am a bitch."
It always comes back to me caring about what others think. Perhaps this is the root issue.
posted by Kat @ 3:00 PM
