Decisions...Decisions...Oh so hard
We are living in the suburbs which I hate. We were TALKING about moving to Seattle...until we realized the UBER expensive rental market. We talked about moving back to the city to be closer to the church that we are quasi-committed to. By committed I mean we give financially but I guess that is more a commitment to God than it is a commitment to a church. We LOVE our church....LOVE it. We are not involved...knowone knows anything about me at all. We enter in usually after coffee in the morning at the local corner Starbucks and we are inspired to make a difference in the world....we both want to walk out this change in our own lives to serve the people around us...specifically the poor. We both have a deep compassion for the poor...yet we continue to live in this beautiful cookie-cutter 3bd, 2.5 bth townhouse with the luxuries of a pool, hot tub, and work out area. I feel so lost right now. I feel as if I am living this life that is not mine to live. I feel like there is something else that I am supposed to be doing and I don't know what it is. I miss school...then I think do I really miss it or do I miss feeling smart? The ego-strokes you get from having a 4.0 and not putting in true effort are nice but feel so vain.I just want to scream, "VANITY, VANITY!!!" I am tired of feeling like I have lost my purpose and I don't know how to get it back. I am tired of wondering if this is all my life is supposed to mean...eventually finish my degree, get a career, have a baby and living this live that sometimes I want more than anything.
I love elements of my life. I adore my husband. He lost his job this week because he works and retail optics and well...retail is from the devil. He sat out in the garage throwing pottery today and I stood and watched him put the finishing touches on a coffee mug. He LOVES throwing pottery...it is his passion and definitely something God has gifted him to do...cause he rocks. I stood their and wished that I could have that same passion again.
Somewhere in the last couple of years I lost myself. I lost my purpose and I wonder if I really ever had it. I hate feeling like I was meant for more and I am missing the mark.
posted by Kat @ 7:15 PM
