Thoughts on the Journey

My personal hell

Carter opened our bedroom window blinds this morning because it is beautiful day. This is my view. This is my hell.

I hate Beaverton.

posted by Kat @ 1:42 PM

Remodeling Our Hearts

This morning Carter and I attended the "Welcome to Mosaic" class at the church. It was our first attempt to take a closer step toward knowing people. We have talked about getting into a small group and I think I may need some more time. I thought I was ready but I need to take it slow.

I sat and listened to "J" talk about the vision/values of Mosaic and I felt something stir in me again. Twinges of pain ripped my gut as the memories of my past lingered overhead. I remember being able to share with people what my church was about...what my life was about. I watched him sit with a deep conviction that drove his passion...and I was jealous.

I was jealous for the life that he was living that I wished in so many ways I had again. I wish I was walking in my gifting again. I wish I knew what that meant again. I long to find my place again...all in time. I know that leaving was the healthy thing to do. I know that I am in a much better place now...wrestling with the unknown...finding the honest place in me.

"R" shared today about what he will be teaching on for the next few months. He said that as the building is being remodeled this would be a good time as a church to look at our hearts and ask Jesus to do whatever work He needs to do to prepare us for what is to happen at Mosaic. It doesn't sound as cheesey as I wrote it. The core was that he shared from his brokeness. I realized while praying tonight that I never heard this in my past church experience. I heard "pretty Jesus", but I didn't hear open frank honest dialogue. This is what I love about our church. I feel safe to unload.

All of these months I found Mosaic to be a place where I could hide from "walking in my gifting". Being such a large congregation I could attend and not have any expectations put on me. Now I see that God brought us here for me to have a safe place to wrestle all of these months, to figure out what it is that He is doing in our lives.

I feel good to know that for today.

posted by Kat @ 12:32 AM

Move or not to move...that is not a question anymore

We are staying here for the time being.

First we discussed California. My dear friends Brian and Julie moved to San Diego and his best friends live in LA. After watching a couple of episodes of "The Real Housewifes of Orange County" on Bravo...I freaked out and we decided it was more important for me to be sane.

We talked about Seattle. We wanted a change. We looked into different possibilities and then Carter lost his job. Not the wisest choice to move when I have a job.

It seems as if we are supposed to be here for right now. There is no indication that we are supposed to leave other than me needing to live in the city or I am going to go nuts. We have been driving in a lot more lately so that has been good.

We are staying in Portland unless he gets a job somewhere besides PDX and that is not looking likely.

posted by Kat @ 12:27 AM