Girl of little faith...
This week has been a good week. I have slacked off some more. I have realized that I can do that so I am. Probably not the best habit to get into...but oh well.I have been so exhausted these past two weeks. It is getting closer to finals time, and with finals comes large projects, presentations, and papers. I am feeling really tired. In fact, I should just go to bed right now.
I am afraid that I am starting to wear myself down. The thought of doing this for the next four years or more is exhausting. I am trying to be better about taking care of myself, by eating better, exercising, and sleep more. I am not sure how next term is going to look with 5 classes, two kids, friends, and me. I am going to have even LESS time. I am praying that Lily will be a good sleeper and Jake will continue taking naps for the next two years. Maybe I can even hope they are napping at the same times:)
This quarter I have two nights free during the week, next quarter I will not have any nights free. I will be going to class every night, unless I take a Saturday class...which I am not sure about yet. I guess that would through out my relaxing Saturday. I am freaking out a little...
In the midst of all of this I am feeling this tugging. I HATE that I feel like I don't have time for people. This is such an important part of my life, I know that it keeps me sane being around people, but it is also exhausting. I am tired. I am wondering if this is worth it all again...
I am pretty sure I am probably going to end back up in ministry again anyways...so why get a degree? I know, I know...it will help me in the future, then graduate school will help me even more. Oh wait, but after that I will be in huge debt so might as well continue going to school for something that actually makes money, to pay off the debt, get secure in a plushy tax bracket, and forget about all that I hold dear.
OK so I am being a tad dramatic...
I don't have the answers, I don't know really what I am doing, but I do know that as I was picking out my classes for winter, I was doing the same thing I was doing in the fall. Looking at each classes and picking them out according to what would help me most in relationships, what skills I could pick up to help me learn to understand people better, and which classes I could use to build up the church.
I know I love Jesus with everything that is in me. I know that I continuously run from my "calling." I also know that in the running I have grown, learned, and struggled in ways that have produced a greater sense of passion in me. I know that anything good is worth fighting for...I want to fight for Him. I want to see His beauty, truth, and love shine on this earth as it is in heaven.
I also know that things need to change before I will feel the freedom to walk in my giftings again. I hate feeling like I am being stiffled, confined, to a certain extent jailed. I know that I could "risk" again, but I have no sense that is what God is leading me to do right now.
I was talking to my new friend, Joyce this week about God and where I am at. She listened to me in a way that I have experienced in a long time. There are some people who truly listen to you, you know that they hear what you are saying, but are listening to you to form their next thought or comment.
Joyce is a listener who you can tell is praying while she is listening. It was so neat. I felt like I do when I talk to my mom. She listened to me vent, and then she gave me a scripture. I was talking about fighting through things, I am going to fight through. She reminded me of Psalm 23, david lying down in the green pastures. She said there are times to fight, and times to lie down.
Lie down...the first thing I thought was...hmm..what would it look like if I were not going to fight anymore. What would it look like if I were to give up?
I would be very hurting, very vunerable, and if hurt again...I would definetely be in therapy. I would have the people that were encouraging me to not bloody my head anymore supporting me, but I would feel like an ass for not listening.
Joyce encouraged me to pray. God is big enough to change things, but I have to ask him to. Part of me is scared to ask him because part of me doesn't want to do a couple of things if he asks.
Part of me wants to listen to my friends who encourage me to not fight, part of me wants to listen to what the therapist said about not putting myself in a unsafe place, part of me wants to make the decision for myself, part of me wants to listen to God...but I am scared...
Girl of little faith....
posted by Kat @ 10:41 PM
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