Lessons on Church for Kat #2-Shifting from what I thought I should be to who I am
I have for the last month said to myself, “It is not time to plant a church. It is not time for me to be pastor.” The reality is as I said this...I am thinking of the pictures that pop up when I think of those two words. I am thinking it is not time to plant a traditional vineyard church, with format, go through the church planting process and be “sent” and all of that shit. Maybe someday it will be...maybe it will never be.When I get a picture of a pastor I think of Wayne. I picture my handsome, Jesus-y friend Wayne. He is the best pastor I have ever known, but it is not the pastor that I am called to be. The pastor that I am called to be is like the pastor I learned the most from, Rebecca McVicker. The momma-pastor who loves her children so tenderly, so lovingly, and gives everything she has to her children. I have watched her in sheer exhaustion and frustration give selflessly to her children. Nurturing them into their giftings, finding ways to make them feel special, and always having time to patiently listen. This is the kind of pastor I long to be. For years this picture of a Wayne-esque pastor has haunted me, this picture of this good-looking charismatic boy, who was able to sit at many tables because he was a boy, because he was a strong leader, because he could captivate an audience. This is the pastor that I thought I was supposed to be. This is the example that I had to follow, because there were no women pastors. To be honest, the only women pastors I knew were either children's pastors(which is so not my calling) or they were bitchy and distant. It was only a few years ago when I met Rose and Rachelle and began to feel hope that there were actually good women leaders out there who were not afraid to take charge, who loved, and were intelligent. Not just spewing out christian propaganda of "female appropriateness" whatever the hell that is.
It is just over the last few years that I have embrace the fact that I am a girl. I am not going to lead like a man. I am not the most captivating or beautiful, but I love to be with people who are figuring out their lives. I am not invited to sit at many tables, because for whatever reason my voice does not matter. I am not a strong diplomatic leader. I am a lover-of-people, wherever they are at. I will not captivate an audience or a crowd, but I will influence those whom I am close to. I suck at teaching a message, but I am good at preaching without being preachy. Over coffee, in the dark corners of a pub, in a car ride to a bar this is where I preach. My friends, classmates, random people I meet. These are the people I care for.
This is the pastor I am. And I am fawking tired of fighting it. I am tired of trying to fit into these boxes that I think I need to be in or that other people try to put me in. These things were in me all along and I have fought it because it is different than everything that is around me. The only reason that I am tenatively coming out of my shell is because I am able to see glimmers of hope shining from the emerging church stuff. When I worked with youth...all I wanted to do was be with kids. I HATED building up this “program” and youth events. It was not me. I was the best at one-on-one time with kids, listening to them, and partnering with what God was already doing in them. Not about the program, but the people. This is what a pastor is to me. Sure I can plan and organize, but why? I think the church needs to become a part of someone, not just meetings for someone to attend with great music and doughnuts. It is something that encompasses everything, not just a once a week event. It becomes a part of your entire life. It is in the meetings in the living room, it is in the keg-parties, it is in the drag-queen invested clubs. It is being the presence of Light in dark places. It is being Jesus with skin on...lovingly the unlovely, kissing the tops of babies heads, embracing those with no hope.
Now with this definition of a leader and a church...this is something that I can get behind.
posted by Kat @ 12:42 PM
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