Speaking of dreams...
One of the redeeming qualities of Holyweird is their production of films about those who persue dreams.Yesterday my family went and saw "Robots."
The film failed to draw any real emotion from me.
But there was one moment, where the father tells his son that a
"dream you don't fight for can haunt you for the rest of your life."
Now, i am still a little to young to introspect much.
But i do know that i use to dream.
There came a time in my life that i felt those dreams were out of reach... forever
and i decided to set them aside.
Why waste my time on them?
Why keep rattling the handle of locked doors?
Why keep praying to a god that does not care?
i walked away.
completely.
First... i became numb.
This must be the best way to not feel.
Second... i became callouse.
This must be the best way to not get hurt.
I then became narcistic and hedonistic.
My full persuit of pleasure left me empty, but wanting more.
Unquentiable, i ran full force toward everything and everyone that i could get something out of. My desire, my appetite continued to go unfulfilled and i damaged a lot of people in my wake.
i sought after the kinds of things that touch my body...
not realizing that i had a deep need for the kind of intimacy that touches my soul.
Haunted?
Well, it is difficult to sleep when you have no dreams.
On Febuary the 11th, 2003 i wrote the following:
VALENTINES day will mark my third anniversary of being a selfish ass.
i have had so much fun over the last three years,
but where has it gotten me?
i am more distant
more disconnected
i am less caring
less compassionate
Thinking about what made me make that decision though... i'd make it all over again.
Because i am now callous to the
anger,
criticism,
deceit,
games...
i'd rather be comfortably numb then back there again.
That final statement is true.
So true.
But, i continued down that path i was on and do you know where it got me?
Depressed.
How can someone who doesn't feel get depressed?
I created a dark place for myself:
sleepless nights,
catotonic days,
wild and crazy weekends!
Depressed.
How did i end up here?
I gave up on my dreams, i know i won't get them - i accept that so life should be fine.
I am having more fun than i could imagine having!
I no longer feel pain.
Depressed?
Medication...
Therapy...
I was counseled to find something to give myself to. It was recomended that i give myself to my kids and to a community...
Fast Forward>>
Here we are a couple of years later.
God rescued me through a love that i found in the oddest of places.
She gives me love, His love.
The smashing reality that this is from Him lead me to seek Him again.
So here i am
a little damaged
a little broken
a little "wise"
a lot vulnerable
a lot scared
a lot skeptical
but the dreams are returning
and the new life has begun.
posted by David @ 2:56 PM
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