Being Torn Down
I am at a place in my life where I feel as if God is ripping out a lot of me, tearing me down to build me back up. Pruning shall we say. During any pruning process it is painful. Very painful.Over the last few weeks I have realized that there are some very toxic relationships in my life that are not helping, but rather harming me. In these cases, generally I would ignore the problem and hope that it would solve itself. Lately this has not been working so well. I have had to be pro-active in taking steps toward wholeness and setting boundaries with a few of my relationships. It is weird to be in this place where God is cleaning out so much, yet there are very few people around me. I do however believe this is a good thing.
There are times in our life where I think we do need a community of people that nurture and be Light in each others lives. I am not in that season. A majority of what I am going through are these deep faith struggles that at times knownone can understand and it forces you to have to look within yourself to find the Light. I am in the dark musty places beginning to feel and smell life. It is painful but hopeful.
Today on my drive home I saw an old dingy apartment building being torn down on 20th and Morrison. There was a distinct calm voice on the radio as I thought on how I very much feel like that building. I feel as if I am being ripped apart, torn down. Beside the wrecking thing were two men who were hosing down the area so that the dust would stay down. I thought...if I am the building who are the people who are hosing me down? Who are the people that I have holding the hose of God's living waters pouring into my life during this demolition?
Tonight I went over to my friends the Jeanseauxs house. They are a couple of my hosers along with a couple of other people. I realized that there are very few people that I would say love me for me, because there are only a few people that I would say I have made my full self known. Tonight I took a step closer to authenticity....or so I think. Tonight I told the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth so help me God. Tonight I did not perform, I did not say what I was supposed to say, I did not worry about hurting someone. I got to be Kat and that was enough.
In the midst of being ripped apart I mourn the loss of the person I was for so many years and I look toward the hope of the person that will be birthed out of this. I long for the reality, I crave truth, and I want to be honest about where I am at...for the first time in my life.
posted by Kat @ 10:42 PM
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