All gray here....
Last year at this time I took a drive through Peacock Lane and listened to this song by Natalie Merchant. This year I am sitting here in the wee hours of Christmas morning trying to fight off the inevitable headache that is soon to arrive due to my sugar binge. I am thinking on this song very differently.It is not all gray anymore. There are shades of gray, but it is not all gray. Today Carter and I exchanged gifts and I got the best snow globe. We were at Target registering a few weeks ago and I spotted this burgundy and gold snowglobe that plays "Joy to the World" with a cross in the middle. I almost started crying in the store because I desperately wanted to buy a snow globe and knew that we should not spend money right now.
I opened my big gift(sex and the city dvd box set) and then I opened my snowglobe and I began to ball. I don't know what it is about this snowglobe because I am not usually into knick knacky types of things...but lately I have been obsessed with snowglobes and snowmen paraphenalia. I cried because I realized that I am marrying the person who pays attention to little details..even if they are weird and a tad obsessive. For instance, the other day he set up my keyboard in front of the window in my spare bedroom so that I can start to play again and have a window view. He not only set it up, but followed up a couple of days later to ask if I had been playing...and I had.
Tonight we baked cookies, organized gifts, and started to pick music for our wedding CD. We were listening to Alan Jackson(his choice) and as I listened to the lyrics I was so moved with emotion. I made him come in the kitchen as I was covered with flour and sugary cookie dough and dance with me(he cannot). As we tried to move to the rhythm of the music we were not perfect, we did not have all of the right steps...but we moved together. He kissed me as I held him so close...realizing that this is it. This is what I have spent so many years waiting for....this amazing love that consumes you in ways that you could never imagine...in ways that move you to cry and cry and cry because you feel so blessed...so touched to have found something so beautiful. This amazing love that is an expression of how God loves us and woos us. It is such a gift.
About a month ago I began to mourn the loss of my single life. I began to stare into wonder like a child, clumsely and timidly..stare into the wonder and awe of this unknown future we are building. I felt a deep loss as all of my much treasured alone time was going to be filled with someone elses life. Now after a month or so I realize there is nothing greater than this love...this community with another person. I understand now at a deeper level how much we do need another...we do need others to be with us on this journey of life...this journey toward Christ. It is hard for me to lose quiet time but I see how the quiet is begin to burst through the crevices so it is easier for me to find. I am finding quiet in places I never imagined I would. Quiet is in the midst of the t.v. blaring, heavy metal blasting(Carter's music) and in constant chatter. I am discovering the only way I can find that quiet...that peace is if I fight for it...tooth and nail. It is not something that comes naturally..it is something you have to fight for.
So it is definitely not all grey...just partially cloudy at times with the chance of sun in the later afternoon.
posted by Kat @ 1:02 AM
<< Home