Perfectly normal?
Last week during a relaxed conversation about future stuff Carter informed me that we will be engaged by the end of the year...in time for us to send out our Christmas cards as our engagement/save-the-date cards. You know...killing two birds with one stone...so very "Kat agenda planning style."Wednesday evening I was milling around the mall waiting for my lovely boyfriend to get off of work. I just ended the most wonderful conversation with my friend Erin. She was so encouraging and helpful during a difficult situation I was trying to process through. I decided to pop into Helzberg Diamonds to look at rings again and make sure what I wanted was what I really wanted and to have my finger sized.
As I looked at the diamond that I have dreamed about my entire adolescence I realized that it looked weird. I tried it on and it just did not fit me. It was weird. I started to look at similar stones with a larger band and it seems as if those look better. They were a much better fit. I began a conversation with the girls and just as she asked,"Is your boyfriend here with you?" The phone rang and it was Carter. For some odd reason I didn't want him to know that I was there so I was a bit reluctant in making my whereabouts known. As I sheepishly confessed my destination I began to get a sick feeling in my stomach. The room was spinning. I felt as if I were going to pass out. The girl behind the counter asked me if I was okay as I began to sink into the reality of the moment. I turned to look over my shoulder as I spotted Carter making his way around the corner. This situation was completely embarassing. One, because I have been looking at rings alone on and off for about 8-10 years now and it felt weird to have someone be with me as I was feeling very girly and vunerable. Two, because I felt like I was going to throw up. I began to tell him that this is not about him, that I love him, and the reality of the situation just sunk in. He sat as cool as a cucumber martini as I felt my entire life flash before me. The sales girls insisted that I try it on with him there and I kept saying, " I can't...Oh my God...we need to leave." The girls said this was perfectly normal.
Is it perfectly normal to question your decision of the person you fall in love with? Is it normal to feel as if the room is getting smaller as you think about being engaged? Is it normal to freak out about wearing a ring, a tangible expression of a future hope of a life together?
I have spent a number of years wondering what my future spouse would be like. It is very different than what I pictured yet I know it is right. I know that he is the person I want to spend the rest of my life with. I always imagined this sense of calm would come over me when I met him and that everything would be easy and grand. It is neither easy nor grand...but it is scary. Beautiful. Hard. Joyous. Annoying. Peaceful. Safe. Frustrating...in an exhilirating way though.
I guess I will be fine when I think about these things. When I do not dwell on the fact that I am not doing things the way I thought they should go. When I begin to stop and live and not be so scared of love. Cause all of the bad is worth the good. All of the pain is worth the joy of love. All of the nausea is worth it cause I will be with him.
Let's home it stops before the actual day...knowone wants to puke when they are being proposed to. Even worse...knowone wants to puke on their wedding day.
posted by Kat @ 11:04 PM
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