Wednesday, July 20, 2005

One year Blog Anniversary

Two days ago it was my one year blog anniversary. Upon reflection I see how much this blog has been used for so many frustrations, so many hurts, that I fail to see the good in this. Perhaps the good is that I was able to save money in therapy.

As I read over this last year I see how much I have changed. I can see the nudges toward certain endeavors, and all of the spinning as I do not understand what this journey is for. Until recently I thought the journey was about alot of other things but it all comes down to one: Love.

I was mulling over 1 Corinithians trying to figure some stuff out and I was just struck by it again.

I Corin. 13:4

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.

I see over the last year I have in my own self tried to love. I have performed in such a way that I worked toward something, I did something in order to have the act be love. The gestures, the acts, the services are not love. I wish I could say it was the motive of the gestures...but it wasn't.

Love is hard. Life is hard. Giving of one's self is hard. I harbor these utopian dreams of serving, loving the unlovely, caring for people, yet in my own sphere of influence I lack. Because I am selfish. I see all that I am and all I aspire to be and I fall so short.

Yet I know that Love is the reason that I exist. It is the reason that there is anything good. It is so hard to tap into this extravagant love when you are pissy about being hurt.

This blogging thing recently has become a painful thing for me. It is something that I love dearly...but I think it is best if I not post for awhile. I am processing through alot of painful stuff...I think I want to hide away and not let anyone else see my pain. I think it is time to be a hermit. I have lost too much this year to continue to give myself away in such a public manner.

I will be taking a blogging hiatus and I am not sure when or if I will be back.

thank you for taking time to read and share my life this past year.

posted by Kat @ 10:04 PM