Patterns of Unhappiness
I noticed today that in the past where I thought my "changing my mind" complex and my "emotions" was fine because it was my decision, my choice, whatever and it is a hard thing to reconcile. Where once all I really thought about was how I feel in a situation or what is happening with me, what is a "healthy" situation for me is all really wrong when you are in relationship with someone. At that point your needs are no longer the priority anymore. You have the capability to either bless someone's life, or really fawk it up. In my lifetime I think I have been the latter more that the blessing. I see how my actions have hurt others, how I continually seem to disappoint people and it makes me so angry. There is this person inside of me that longs to be freed, that craves the Light, that desires the altruism of Mother Teresa, but have nothing.I could spit out pretty Christian language and tell you that in our weakness he will be our strength and make beautiful things out of everything according to his perfect will but the reality is...I have done that and fawked it up. I have done "kind" or "loving" things, I have "prayed" for people. I have also been spiritually abusive toward people, manipulative, and a duplicitous person that would be up in the ranks of the best of the Pharisees. And I call myself a Christian? Ok...maybe I will settle with the title of really fawked up Christian.
I made the biggest mistake of my life this week. It was a learning experience.(See revision below) In addition to the above, I learned that I am selfish and confused little girl that make emotional frustrated decisions at times and that is wrong. I loved him more than I ever imagined I could love another person and he loved me to. And I screwed it up.
Love that consumed the both of us is now destroyed
I sit fragile and broken
The future that was filled with dreams and a love of life shared
Is now just uncertainty as to what is next
The visions of me in white by pale candlelight as two become one
Replaced with emptiness and loneliness
The distant cries and laughter of lives coming into existence
Is now the sounds of my weeping and laments
My soul is filled with regret
I would give anything to take back that moment
Where the voice of love was consumed by the voice of misunderstanding
I would give anything to have loved and not lost.
posted by Kat @ 2:12 PM
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