Tainted Romance...or something like that
Why is it that boys are retarded? Is it the testosterone that makes them dumb? Do they not hear you? Do they just not hear you? Do they just not get it? I, imagine some do cause I have male friends whom I love.This whole men not listening thing is becoming a theme in my life.
The last blog that I posted referenced to the kind suggestion that Carter made to volunteer together. Great. Nice. I set some boundaries in regard to where I am at with this whole "dating" thing. I made it very clear that I do not have the time to invest in a relationship. I made it clear that I have a plan and a direction in which my life is going and I need to focus. I told him I could not commit to spending a ton of time with him, because other things are a priority right now. I am not in a place where I rush into any sort of a relationship or into spending alot of time with someone. I had a plan of what my summer was going to look like. I wanted things to just develop naturally. I didn't want to force anything, cause if I wanted to spend more time with him, I think I would find a way to do that. I am not in that place right now. I need time. I need space. I communicated all of this. He called me or text messaged me to the point where I felt really overwhelmed. I realized over and over this week how much space I need, how much "Kat" time I need. I realized how much I love to be single. How content I am with where my life is. Probably not the best thing to discover when you just met a great guy.
After our conversation on Wednesday night, I made it very clear what my boundaries were. I told him that I did not want him to kiss me until I was sure I wanted to be in a dating relationship/exclusive with him. I CLEARLY communicated in the past that I have allowed the physical aspect of the relationship get out of hand, and that I want to take time and get to know him before we went there. Perhaps this was too much to share on my part but I thought it was good to explain the reasoning behind my decision. CLEAR...crystal clear.
He showed up at my house at 6:40 on Thursday morning and TM me to "Come outside." I had just gotten out of the shower, had no make-up on, and was running late. I replied, "No" and then called him to find out if he was really outside. He was. I told him I would be out soon. I went outside to find him standing beside my car holding a bouquet of white roses(my favorite). I freaked out. I thought it was really sweet, but I felt really overwhelmed.
Are you catching the I have been really overwhelmed theme?!?!?!?!
I said something stupid and took the flowers, said thanks and he kissed me. Now I did not want him to kiss me. At all. I was too OVERWHELMED and felt like I was trying to get ahold of myself. He was done with his little "kissing show' and walked to his car and I said something like,"You need to find better things to do with yourself in the morning." Something stupid. He text message me when I got into the car, "Don't be afraid."
Let me tell you I am freaked. Not because he is a kind guy, or because something great might happen. No no no...because my boundaries were crossed and I felt invaded. Because I am in desperate need of space and I feel like Captain Commando Romance has an agenda that I do not want to follow. I am not the girl who is wooed by all of this nice shit. I want someone who is ok with moving SLOWLY. Isn't slow good? Isn't careful good?
This is the hard part for me. He is nice. I have fun with him. He is great, but I am happier alone. Everything in me is saying, "He is not it." I thought maybe it was me pushing him away, but I think it is something else. I have a hard time going with that because I do not have a "reason". I hate my need for reason and logic. It makes me pissy.
The thing is I am already passionate about Someone else. It consumes every part of me. He consumes every part of me. The only time I feel alone is when I have to go to a wedding or some sort of couple event, other than that I am content. Not just fine....content.
I keep thinking about I Corinthians 7, and I think about how I love being single. I think about how I was not always like this. There was a season where all I could do was think about being married and a mom.
People used to tell me, "Well God knows the desires of your heart." That Proverbs that says, "Delight in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart." I know that means that when we submit ourselves to God that our hearts desires become what is after His heart.
It just amazes me how much my heart has changed. Not that I am against marriage someday, cause I'm not. I guess part of me already feels married. I don't think that makes sense, but that is how I feel. It is like nothing can get in the way of that most intimate place in me that I have given to Him. I feel as if He is asking me to protect that place in me.
Maybe there will be a day where he asks me to share that place with someone else, but it is not now. It is weird...I have always been more passionate about being a mom than I have about being married.
Something to continue to think about...
posted by Kat @ 4:38 PM
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