Two big stressors for me this week are gone.
1) I was stressed my garbage was not going to be picked up this morning. My trash was full because of cleaning and getting rid of stuff before guest came over and I was freaking out I was not going to have any space to store garbage. In a timely manner the garbage service did run this morning. Praise be to God.
2) I was stressed about Thanksgiving and Carter's parents meeting my parents for the first time. Carter and I hosted Thanksgiving and we had a blast. I would have had more fun if my early appetizer visitors could have stayed longer. It went off flawlessly despite my two hour nap I took in lieu of a good night's rest.
I feel a little less freakish now that I have a bit more space to move around without looming agendas overhead. Well except for the two 4-5 page papers I have to write this weekend. Oh yeah...Christmas gifts. That is another bee. Getting done with school this quarter. Breakfast tommorow morning for the out of town guest.
Spinning Part Deux
I know I need to re-center. I know I need to slow down. Yet I find myself again in that place between sanity and falling apart. I am too busy.
I feel like everything is above me like a swarm of bees trying to get to a spot of sugary substance on my head. I feel sticky and warm like a child's hand after eating a lollipop. So messy, so very messy. Then the bees come in to add more grief to an already chaotic situation. All I want to do is swat them away, but the more I swat, their presence becomes increasingly hostile.
Occasionally one will break through my failing arms and sit directly on my nose so I can see nothing but that one. I swat her off, but she likes my nose for some odd reason. For that moment I am able to ignore all of the other annoyances and see one. Instead of killing the damn bee, I gently remove her and place her back with the rest of the swarm. Avoidance, I am finding is the worst thing you can do with a community of bees.
I need to start killing some bees in my life. I need to get rid of something before they consume me and there is no longer me....only the shell that I used to be.
Knitting is not helping. Knitting has become a bee....damn me and my ever loving agendas....I have seven more to make before Christmas.
Down time is not helping. I only sit and make lists of everything that I need to do or should be doing.
Praying is not helping....I am becoming increasingly frustrated with my conversations with God lately...well maybe I can find a better word...I am becoming increasingly indifferent toward this whole, "God's calling" on peoples lives.
I need to kill bees now.
Spinning
Do you ever feel like the world is spinning around you so quickly that you feel as if you are whirling in the wind caught up in the branches of a willow tree on a windy fall day? The branches slapping you in the face just enough for it to sting a little, just gently enough to excite you, to catch you in the wonder of it all?
In the movement of the leaves falling gently to the ground you are at that moment caught. Enamored with the beauty of the moment. It stops. The busyness subsides and you drink it in as if it is a glass of St. Chapelle's Special Harvest Riesling. You enjoy it. You savor it. You wish it would never end.
In the spinning you must remember to be present with the space that you are in. If you do not take time to think upon the present you will forget the meaning of it all. And there is meaning to be found in it. The mystery, the complex beauty of the spinning.
I realized today that as I am spinning I need to sit. The pain I have wanted to forget is still there, the joy that is all around me is there, the expectation of my future is there...I am not taking time to filter out the old and embrace the new.
Today on my drive to school I stopped for a moment and paused. I heard all of the painful voices of my past darkening my future. I want to let go of it so bad and I can't. I sat in my car and said,"Jesus this really hurts." "Jesus I think that was wrong." "Jesus I need you to make it right." I also thought some very David-esque comments but decided it was best to not wish my enemies death. I sat for a moment with my hurt and it hurt really bad. It still hurts really bad.
Today was a day where I had the courage to stop and realize that the ugly things I have not wanted to see are very real and very present, but I need to forgive. I need to move on. It is time to move on. I need to stop over-analyzing everything that went wrong, how I could have made better choices, choices to have protect myself better, choices that would alleviate my hurt. Choices that would have put me on a different life path than I am on now.
I need to move on and forgive. I need to try and love my brothers and sisters. I need to love like Jesus loves. I need to listen like Jesus listens. I need to rest like Jesus rested. I need to stop and be caught up in the beauty of the spinning whirling trees, and remember to breath and do my homework, plan a wedding, host thankgiving dinner, clean my house, make lists, finish my christmas scarfs and figure out how to make fantastic truffles and body scrubs for Christmas.
One of our engagement photos
I, Katrina Delarosa do solemnly swear...
I, Katrina Delarosa do solemnly swear to try and be less dramatic about my fiance's choice of hairstyle. I promised to love him despite his choice to come to my house the day our engagement photos are to be shot with a hairstyle that I have never seen on him before. I am thankful he loved me when I was crying hysterically and telling him how awful his circa 1985 haircut looked. I am thankful that he did not ask for the ring back at that moment and run away to Portugal.
Saturday, we planned for my friends Erin and April to meet us on 23rd and take our engagement photos. NW 23rd is the place where we had our first date and I thought it would be nice for us to take our pictures up there. The first half of our day was beautiful, but during the evening shots we got pretty wet in the rain.
Below is one of our pictures. A majority of them did not turn out for some reason...I think we had some camera issues. A few of them I am going to use for the wall photo hanging in my room, but we are going to have to reshoot later this week...this time with digital. E & A both used 35mm, which as you can see by the picture turn out somewhat grainy from the CD.
Sunday we drove out to Salem to look for churches to get married in. Nothing as of yet. It was a great drive down just to be together and for me to start working on my newest scarf. I am working on a pink and gray striped scarf for a friend and the colors are so complimenting.
The Girly-ness of First Thursday
This evening Biz and I headed down to the Pearl District to have dinner and look at art. We had a bottle of wine, a FABULOUS dinner, and fell in love with a photographer at the Yoshida Gallery. Steve_____, has the most captivating work I have seen in years.
We were walking to the car and I saw that my friend Kevin was in his coffee shop. I had mentioned to Carter that I really wanted to have the reception at their place. I was thinking....late evening, dessert reception, lattes, wine, art....very urban.....very relaxed.
I walked in and was greeted with a hug and I told them I was engaged and showed them the ring. This was the first time that I have been extremely giddy since Carter gave me the ring. Oh by the way...it is perfect. Princess cut, over a carat...beautiful and simple.
I talked to Dian about having the reception there and they said they could do whatever we wanted. I think more than anything the thing that I love about the place is Kevin and Dian. I know they have taste and whatever would be done would be done well.
I am not sure carter is sold on the place...but I just love it. I realized today that there is a huge parking lot behind the shop that people could use....since it is in the Pearl District we were thinking parking would be a problem...but maybe not.
We'll see...we are talking about June 30th...which would be 14 months from the day of our first date.
I asked him the other night when he knew that I was it...
He said from the first moment he met me...
I am so in love with him it is just crazy and oh so very girly.
I need to get our wedding site up so that I can write all of this sappy crap there.
