Thought on Commitment
Could it be that questions tell us more than answers ever do?
Michael Card
I have been very reflective this week as I am preparing my message for Sunday. I am teaching on commitment. The P.O.T.(point of talk...Young Life term) is that in order to experience growth in our relationship with Jesus it is vital that we are committed to Him and the church. It is a very hard thing for me to talk about because it is very close to my heart. I have spent a lot of time praying and trying to organize my thoughts in an orderly fashion. I hope that it happens.
I have realized over the last year that ideologies that I have used as my token phrases have now become a part of me. Those ideas have become a part of my soul, not just my intellect. Over months of anguish, I now can see a glimpse of what God was doing. I am experience a level of depth in my life that I would not have experienced outside of my doubt.
I see now in a greater way what commitment means to me. I waivered, I stammered and stuttered, wanting to abandon the call that is on my life...that is on each of our lives. Now I realize you cannot escape the most mesmorizing experience of your life. And that is this. Jesus Christ died for us. He defeated death. He is here now. I believe that by His Holy Spirit he will use us to bring His glory to all of mankind. Not just to us, but to every Islamic, Muslim, Buddhist, Baptist, Anabaptist, Atheist, Agnostic, Catholic person in the world. To heal the broken hearted, to proclaim freedom to the captives, to give the ones with no voice a voice to speak, to hope, to worship and above all else to love. This is what I have committed my life to, this is worth giving my everything to. I ask you...is there anything more worthy than this?
Yeah I am going to read this on Sunday...
Plans
Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart...try to love the questions themselves like locked rooms and like books that are written in a very foreign tongue. Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given to you because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps you wiil then gradually, without noticing it, live along some distant day into the answer.
Rainer Maria Rilke
I have to read this when I start to slip into my box mentality. I want everything to fit together, I want the answers, I want everything to make sense. I have such a hard time being patient and trusting God. I want to have a five year plan...and I cannot.
Did you know that I used to have a plan? I had a five year plan when I was 19. Every six months I would evaluate my progress to determine what I had to work on. I would set short/long term goals for myself and check them off as I achieved them. I have not had a plan for the last three years. I have not had the ability to make one.
A couple of years ago I was at the mall and I was walking around, daydreaming not paying attention to anything that was around me. I kept looking ahead out toward what was in front of me. Bustling through the crowds, I found the escalator and tried to get on. I kept stepping and I could not get up. After a couple of tries, I looked down and say that I was going up the wrong side. Feeling stupid, I moved to the other side and felt God say to me,"That is how you live your life, Kat." You are so busy pressing through to the goal that you sometimes forget to look at what is right in front of you."
ouch...
Needless to say I have a dificult time with this. I want the world to be organized, and if not the world at least my life.
I know that there are moments where I slip back into this organizational,every thought, plan, feeling needs to have it's proper place. When am I going to learn this is not life?
Life is not neat. It is messy, disorganized and worth it.
I really want to stop searching for answers. I want to just live.
Emotional Single Girl
I am an emotional creature. I am one of the "in touch with their emotions" people. In fact I think it is more than in touch...my emotions tend to run my life at times.
I have this feeling right now that I cannot describe. I know that it sucks. I am sitting here listening to Norah Jones and Adam Levy do a rendition of Love Me Tender. I have been sitting here replaying it to try and describe the moment.
I sit here longing for a life that always seems out of reach. No matter what I do it is an unattainable dream. I want to believe that someday if I do everything right, that it will work out. It has been a long tumultuous journey and all my labor has proven to be fruitless. A waste, a chasing of the wind.
I give up. I quit. It was easier when I did not risk. It was easier when I did not question. It was easier when I did not love to the extent that I give my all. It was easier when I ignored my heart. It was easier when I stopped dreaming of love and did not allow myself to have hope.
I want to spout off all of my idealistic notions about love, beauty and truth and press on to a bright new day. The reality is that I am tired. I lack the faith that other's have. I know God is there. I can feel him when my heart is breaking and I feel as if I am dying...(drama queen..I know) I know that God is doing something and I need to trust. I am just so damn emotional.
I know that my feelings will change and he will give me strength again.
Most of you know about my silly prayer experience a couple of weeks ago. I think that God was using that time to show me that he is indeed God. He is in control...he really is. I know he is doing stuff in me, I know that he is moving. I need to stop fighting it. I don't know why I fight it, but I do.
Will you guys pray for me to not fight so damn much?
Will you also pray for me to find the following guy:
WHAT I WANT IN A GUY(non negotiables)
love god
love people
love children(be really good with kids) and wants to have them
funny(make me laugh)
social awareness(able to care for community)
compassionate
sensitive to my/others feelings
depth in his soul
handsome
supportive of me
someone who is emotionally available
good communicator
forgiving of me
authentic(someone who is who he is and does not hide it)
someone who will be ambitious/take intiative
be my best friend
someone who I always want to be around
someone who is humble yet can take charge
someone that I am not scared to share the rest of my life with
someone who will be completely in love with me and would move heaven and earth to be with me
someone I make crazy
someone who can be a leader or support me leading
somone who is liberal, understands postmodern ministry ideas
someone who makes me light up
be open to new experiences
adventurous
There some negotiable things that are not important like musically gifted, into the arts, write for a british golfing magazine, likes beer(not sissy beer), glasses(i have a glasses thing), tatoos, someone who dresses as well or better than I do(these are negotiables), likes dogs, someone who is as cool or cooler than the following: Brian Jeanseau, Kevin McVicker, Wayne Purdom, Bryan Campbell, and any of my other cool older guy friends...just someone who is cool. I don't know what it is about these guys...they are just neat. I think I should add Kevin Crawford to this list...he is fantastic.
SO someone who dresses and takes intiative like Wayne, is funny and deep like Brian, compassionate, beer drinking, and adventurous like Kevin, wise and authentic like Bryan C., and creative, emotionally present, and glasses like Kevin Crawford.
I know it's a tall order..did I mention someone who is tall?
It doesn't hurt if he looks like any of the pictures below.
I knew blogging would make me feel better...at the very least I am laughing.
Brian McLaren Kills Another Cow
God bless Amazon.com and their timely shipping. I received Brian's new book "A Generous Orthodoxy" Why I am a missional, evangelical, post/protestant, liberal/conservative, mystical/poetic, biblical, charismatic/contemplative, fundamentalist/calvinist, anabaptist/anglican, methodist/catholic, green, incarnational, depressed-yet-hopeful, emergent unfinished Christian.
I am 50 pages into the book. Ladies and Gents one of the cows is down. I repeat one of the sacred cows is down. I started a list in a notebook of the cows that are going to be murdered during the reading of this book.
Today's cow was sitting comfortably, far away in my subconscious. This cow had been established and secure in his home for years now. He was well feed(with my ever-lingering modernist mindset), sitting in the green cozy home along with all of his other friends.
Today's cow was named Creed. No not after the band. I am referring to the Apostle's and Nicene Creeds. I think I should mention that this cow's life was taken before Chapter 1. Mclaren has done and excellent job of giving the reader every opportunity to back out of reading the book. If you are not scared through the foreword, introduction, and the disclaimer titled, "For mature audiences only" you are just as ruined as I. Throughout those first 40 pages I was only shocked once..that is where Creed took a bullet to the head.
Now keep in mind...I re-read the portion several times in order to really grasp what he was saying. Mclaren states that although the new orthodoxy which he is living, consistently, unequivocally, unapologetically upholds and affirms the A & N creeds, it also acknowledges that a number of items many hold as vital for orthodoxy are found nowhere in the seminal creeds. He also states that generous orthodoxy, affirms that scripture itself remains above creeds and that the Holy Spirit may use scripture to tweak our creedal understandings and emphases from time to time, so that new creeds are needed to give voice to the cry of faith today.
Yeah I am still processing through this. So I know that the bible is infallible. I know that our interpretations are not. I guess what I see in my heart is that I held the creeds pretty highly. I guess I liked that the core of my belief system fit into a nice neat package that I could reference to, that I could read to get the warm fuzzies, and that I could sing about in short simple melodies that were energizing.
But there is room for tweaking?!?!?!?!? What the hell?
I am done for now.....
Sick and the City
I stayed home from work today. I feel like crap and I am sitting here hoping that I am okay to go to work tommorow. I love my job. It is probably because I get to spend the day hanging out with two of the most adorable children in the world(okay so I am a tad biased).
I was up this morning trying to get myself up, realized that would not be happening, and decided to go get some coffee. My logic in this was that if I have caffeine at least I will get some writing done in bed. So I sucked down a triple soy latte. God bless
Urban Grind Coffee(22nd and Oregon) and their wonderful double-ristretto shots. If you have not had the delectable,savory goodness that is found in their creamy little shots of espresso...you must. In fact I am thinking I need another one...maybe not. Starbucks is within walking distance and I left my license at work. Crap that means that my debit card is at work. Crap that means I cannot go shopping tonight for movie night tommorow night. Ferris Bueller's Day Off @ UG. Yeah just as I was typing I began to feel the caffeine kicking in...perhaps I should wait. I am going to be all jacked up like a hamster on crack here in a moment...okay I think I already am.
I went to Seattle this weekend. I spent time my friends Matt and Nathan. Our friend Allisha was supposed to come and hang out with us to, but she didn't(slacker). I had a great time. We went and saw Shrek 2....so hilarious. Matt and I went out on Friday and watched drunk people in Pioneer Square. We read. We had really good chinese food at this place called
Moon Temple in Wallingford. We had Mac & Jack's African Amber beer at
Murphy's. It had been a long time since my last M&J's....good stuff. I watched the last Matrix...which was good. I kept pausing it to pack, shower, and do my make up so I don't think I fully experienced it...but I saw it. I love Seattle. I thought that I would move there when I am done with my transfer degree...but my love for Portland wins out again and I think I will stay here until I am done with my degree(just a thought, not a definite.) Maybe I will look at graduate schools in Seattle...
Portland is my favorite place. I love that it is a city, but not as metro as Seattle. I love how the streets are somewhat organized. I love that I do not get lost anymore.(Matt this is not a reference to us not taking James St. and ending up near Boeing Field.)
I love that I have my favorite coffee shops. UG, Stumptown, and that one on hawthorne I always forget the name....it is on 50-something....well I love that place.
I love Lucky Lab, McMenemins, Laurelwood, Alameda Brew Pub. I love Montage, Noho's, La Cruda, Ole Ole, Thien Hong, Sushi Land, Holman's.
I love Trader Joe's, Wild Oats, New Season's.
I love that TJ's, Blockbuster, Starbucks, my bank, my hairdresser, and a variety of restaurants are all within walking distance.
I love Laurelhurst Park, Irvington District in the spring when all of the cherry blossoms are falling to the ground and it feels as if you are in a fairy land. This sense of euphoria overcomes me and I am so grateful to be alive. There is that part of Weidler & 21st right before you get onto Broadway, under those trees that make me feel so comforted during the fall when the leaves are changing color, I want to drive under it over and over again...sometimes I do. Then there is the family of enchanted trees on McLouglin going out toward Reed College area. I am not sure what that area is called I call it the enchanted trees area. If you have never been out there you must. Just go out McLouglin...it takes my breath away every time. Fall, Winter, Summer, Spring doesn't matter when(I am partial to the fall). I feel as if for the moment I am under the trees a spell comes over me and all there is beauty. All I see is Him. If only I could live under those trees.
Yeah so maybe I will look at graduate schools in PDX. Maybe I will go to seminary at Multnomah...or not.
Kat
Choices
I was reading the Magician's Nephew by C.S. Lewis the other morning. I was reflecting upon the part where Digory and Polly are in the Woods between the World. They have just realized that with the green rings they can choose a pool and it will transplant them into a different world. Lewis describes the woods to be a placid place, a place that was seemingly tranquil.
I thought about how through out life we are faced with different choices. We have the ability to live for good or evil. To fight the good fight or sit on our ass and do nada. We have the choice between organic, fair-trade, locally roasted, french press coffee and the ever-evil corporate Starbucks, knowing our addictions always overcome our will to do right...we choose which ever is most convenient. Paper, plastic, your own cloth bag, drive or public transportation, veggies or Big Mac(if you haven't seen Super Size Me...see it), PBR or a couple dollars more for the IPA, Kerry or Bush...okay I will stop here. With all of these choices it makes me stop and wonder...does it really matter in the end? Do our choices really make a difference?
Erwin Mcmanus in his book, Seizing your Divine Moment(thomas nelson publishers...you must pick it up) says this,
"The divine potential of a moment is unlocked by the choices we make. Each moment's personal, historic, and eternal value is directly related to the choices we must make within it. If a moment is the gate through which your divine journey begins, then choice is the key that unlocks the adventure."
He goes on to say,
" The most spiritual activity you will engage in today is making choices. All the other activities that we describe as spiritual-worship, prayer, meditation,-are there to connect us to God and prepare us to live. While moments are the context within which we live, choices chart the course and determine the destination."
Holy Crap. If what McManus says is true, I am F***ED. Every choice I have is the potential to unlock my adventure? I don't know about you but I do not feel the tranquility of the woods of the world like Digory and Polly felt when faced with choices. I feel...terrified.
Do you remember Choose your own Adventure books when you were a kid? I loved those books. I loved that no matter what choice I made I could always go back and change it. I could change my decisions to have the best scenario win out in the end. I loved the control. I loved that everything could be defined in it's nice, neat ordered package. A+B always came to the sum of C. Perhaps my strong affection came from the knowledge that I could make things right.
That is not the world I live in anymore.
I used to live in a place where everything was black and white. Clear-cut, straight across the board biblical answers, everything had it's place, I knew what I wanted, where I was going. I wanted to plant a church, be a pastor, care for people, preach, teach, encourage young people, build up the body, make disciples, love people to Jesus...the list could go on and on.
But there is not a list anymore.
Today I have no clue where I am going, what I want to do. The only things I have to guide me are a couple of burned out passions that left marks. I am so passionate yet jaded about the church. I love writing, yet am so insecure. I have a love/hate relationship with christians. I love the people who are intelligent and thoughtful of their faith...I cannot stand the robots who do not think with the brain that the God they worship gave them to use. I still somewhat like the idea of being a church planter...if I got to pick the people in my church. Then again maybe not..I still have issues to work out in regard to the vineyard church planting model.
With all of that said...I am confused, tired, and sick of the world and the church the way it is. Yet my presence in this world, the choices I make, have an impact, so I have to be an active participant. I cannot choose to sit on my arse and not play.
I am going back to school at the end of this month. Usually in situations like this I would sit down and chart out the next four years and know what classes I was going to take, which school I was transferring to, and which graduate schools I will be applying to in four years. This is the first time in my life I am not planning everything out. All I know is that I am taking a step. It was something that has been eating at me for a few years now. God or my own insecurity about not having a degree? God's plan or my own plan? My desires being his desire because he is in me? I am not sure...then again I still do not know what I think about the idea of God's plans or purpose in our lives. If the plan is simply that we know him...I get that. If there are certain tasks or things we are put here to do... I don't get that. I see that in scripture that was never the rule it was the exception. Think about all of the other thousands of people that were followers of God that were not written about. God was still their God...they were just not cool enough to be written about....maybe?
I guess the bottom line is that I do have choice. It is a beautiful thing that my God loves me enough to allow me to choose to love him...that it is not something that I am programmed to do. It is a glorious thing that my choices effect my future, other's futures, my community, and my world. I truly can make a difference by the way I live...good or bad. There will be a history about me. I will live on in the lives of the people around me, in stories, in songs. Just as my mother's smile is on my face, my movements mimicking hers, so will I live on in the people around me.
Which adventure to choose?
Hopefully today I will choose to love as if it were my last day to love, hug as if it were the last chance to feel someone against my skin, and embrace each beautiful gift that we are given with each choice that is before us.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
