Studying for Business...struck by the lyrics
I love U2 and their ability to captivate my attention toward Jesus.
I definitely want to trip inside His head...
I love the line,"Freedom has a scent like the top of a newborn baby's head. I thought about how Grace always smells so good...freedom is that good.
Thank you Jesus for the freedom that you give us.
Here are the rest of the lyrics:
"Miracle Drug"
I want to trip inside your head
Spend the day there...
To hear the things you haven't said
And see what you might see
I want to hear you when you call
Do you feel anything at all?
I want to see your thoughts take shape
And walk right out
Freedom has a scent
Like the top of a new born baby's head
The songs are in your eyes
I see them when you smile
I've seen enough I'm not giving up
On a miracle drug
Of science and the human heart
There is no limit
There is no failure here sweetheart
Just when you quit...
I am you and you are mine
Love makes nonsense of space
And time...will disappear
Love and logic keep us clear
Reason is on our side, love...
The songs are in your eyes
I see them when you smile
I've seen enough of romantic love
I'd give it up, yeah, I'd give it up
For a miracle, a miracle drug, a miracle drug
God I need your help tonight
Beneath the noise
Below the din
I hear a voice
It's whispering
In science and in medicine
"I was a stranger
You took me in"
The songs are in your eyes
I see them when you smile
I've seen enough of romantic love
I'd give it up, yeah, I'd give it up
For a miracle, miracle drug
Miracle, miracle drug
PoMo Thoughts from Kat
I have spent almost 7 years reading stuff on postmodern theory, culture, theology. Over the years as my thoughts have expanded and disintegrated into jumbles of confusion and clarity, mixed with moment of light and dark, I have come to some conclusions.
1) Postmoderism is so five minutes ago. I am a little burned out on all of the conversations of modern vs. Postmodern. I am ready to get back to the simplicity of our faith. This intellectualism that is prevalent in the emerging church today is exhausting, maybe that is because I don't have my MDiv or my Doctorate in Theology, but if I did I hope I wouldn't waste as much time conversing over the importance of systematic theology or infallible doctrine...how about getting out of our ecclesiastical circles and find Jesus in the broken and the poor. Now don't get me wrong...there are a lot of people that are doing tremendous amounts of work in this area, but there is a lot more to be done...
2) Division among the emerging church and the traditional church needs to stop. We need to find a common ground and stop trying to have our voices be heard, stop finding things to disagree on, but focus on the things we agree on. If we are to be the body of Christ, we need to be embracing of all of the parts...even the parts that we don't agree with. I know in my own personal journey I have had a time where I have stepped away, in order to gain a broader perspective on the task at hand. It was also a time for me to continue the development of my voice outside of the prevailing culture. I would call it my "wilderness" time. Over the last three years I have thrown out a lot of what I previously thought was to be fundamental, only to see that it wasn't, but with the throwing out I also threw out what was good about those fundamentals. Over the last three years, I have continued to be able to learn the art of process and finding the beauty amidst the crap.
3) On a positive note the PoMo movement has allowed the freedom of expression in new innovative ways to communicate Christ's love. This is my favorite part. It has been so amazing to see God birth new tales of the faithful releasing their giftings to the world, to build up the church. I am daily reminded in blogworld of all of the new forms of worship, new forms of service, and that to me screams the voice and breath of God. I love being able for the first time in my walk to have a place to create, to explore, to experiment...it is a good thing.
I will add more later...
I hate getting sick...
I have been vegging out all day reading, sleeping, and I still feel like crap. I thought by resting that maybe I would fight it off...
My head hurts, I feel dizzy, and I have a bit of a cough...I am trying to decide whether I should stay home tommorow or not.
Ok so there is a crap part about my job. If I am getting sick, and I am contagious, if I go to work the kids could get sick and I would feel awful. But then I feel bad about missing work because it is an inconvience...
Then there is my whole conscious thing. I grew up with the work ethic that you go to work everyday unless you are dying or pretty close to it. The times that I have missed work I have been either puking, or the other stuff(you know what I am talking about...I just have a hard time saying it.)
Anyways I usually feel like a big sissy and I tell myself to just suck it up.
I know that something has been going around, Rebecca was sick and Evangel I think is fighting it off right now. I should stay home. One to rest and hopefully fight it away, but also to alleviate the potential guilt that will inevitably haunt me if I get Jake and Lily sick.
Horse Brass again
This evening we convened at the Horse Brass once again for beer, food, and conversation. The smokiness is less noticeable than previously thought. Although I could just be getting used to it...
This morning while at UG I talked with one of the customers, Chris for awhile. Later Macker and I were talking to him and I told him about getting together at Horse Brass...he met up with us.
Chris is a really nice guy, who is a great conversationalist. At the end of the evening I invited him over to sit at my end of the table to chat.(This was AFTER Ruth complimented my boobs in my sweater and told her betrothed to look! Silly, silly Ruth!) We talked like we had earlier in the day and I apologized for him not being able to read his paper in the morning because I interrupted him. The conversation went on to what I read in the paper, and then to Africa, and then to caring for humanity.
Chris is an attorney, I shared about having compasssion for people and giving to the less fortunate...he said he would give when he got his life together. I quoted Gahndi about being the change we want to see in the world, he said it was depressing to read in the paper and that media hypes it up. I partially agreed and then refuted by saying there is a bit of truth in everything it is just a matter of finding it. I talked about Bono, he said that he didn't respect guys who had millions of dollars and encouraged people to give when they could give more. I shared a bit about Bono's work with DATA, he said it seems like Bono skips around to different projects....
I reached across the table and said(sarcastically)..."you are going to have to leave if you don't like Bono."
He also hadn't seen any Adam Sandler movies that he liked...
Needless to say this person was the COMPLETE OPPOSITE OF ME and has made me realized that I am becoming a freaking hippie!
As I was talking it was as if I was becoming aware of my voice...I said a few times, "I know I sound like a total hippie..."
He did not get the whole caring for people thing....
So very interesting how different we as humans are.
Variety of Relationships
There are relationships in life that are the most wonderful God-inspired creations one can encounter. These are the ones that are worth fighting for...I am so blessed to have a few of these.
There are relationships that begin great, but due to the constant change that is evident all around us, float out into the sea of the forgotten.
Then there are the relationships that cease to have fulfillment, they are only a source of continuous discomfort. I have had a few of these...
This of course is not an exhaustive list...
In my early twenties, I picked up a commitment ideology that has led me to make some really unhealthy decisions. My thought was one in which to truly love another person, you work through things, you stick it out, you fight until something good comes out of it...this has led me to stay in dangerous situations. I didn't want to let go of these things because of history in friendship, but I realized in order for me to have a future I had to let go.
I realized that some relationships can be helpful, but some can really hinder you. I am not saying to always leave negative situations, but if you continue to feel like crap in a situation it may be the best to leave it...especially if it is not God-inspired.
Now we can get into a huge discussion over all relationships being God-inspired but our being sinful we are not able to maintain health in situations...
I still believe in sticking it out, fighting for the good, but I think that if you continually feel like you are being tortured....probably not the best place to be.
I know that this is one of the best, healthiest, decisions I have EVER made...
I feel completely at peace...which I have not felt in a long while.
Weirdo Collage thing on canvas
Communion Tray
Desperate to Create
Perhaps it is because I am of childbearing years that I am so desperate to find a place to create. To have a part of me come out into something beautiful(or at least attempt beauty). Some could theorize that is why I am obsessive about my clothes, it is that I need to create.
Tonight Evangel and I worked on the Stations for church on Sunday. I love spending time with her and I had a blast. We sat downstairs and cut up magazines and then I painted a tray to place communion on and a weird/ugly thing. The weird/ugly thing certainly is...odd.
I will blog the pictures!
Come away...
i sat and listened as everyone sang
i had to
i had to just let the words wash over me
cleanse me
Come away with me in the nightCome away with meAnd I will write you a songi took some notes but mostly listened as Kevin spoke right to my heart
"david... it is time to return
david... come home
david... you are free"
Come away with meon a busCome awaywhere they can´t tempt usWith their liesi tried to hide away during group time,
started to move inside myself
when He approached.
His gentle words
His gentle hands lead me to a place where i could sit quietly
in His arms
and He spoke to me...
I want to walk with you On a cloudy dayIn fields where the yellow grass grows knee-highSo won´t you try to come"david,
you are free
release your shame
this isn't your fault
I love you..."
Come away with me and we´ll kissOn a mountaintopCome away with meAnd I´ll never stop loving youi resist
i fight
i turn away
i collapse
exhausted
on His lap
and i weep
forgive me
And I want to wake up with the rainFalling on a tin roofWhile I´m safe there in your armsSo all I ask is for youTo come away with me in the nightCome away with meAs i left that place where His love met me
i wondered
i thought it was me who wanted to have this intimacy
i thought
i wanted
you to be close to
meCould it really be that
you want
me to be close to
you?
i drove away to the tune of
Peter Gabriel's Don't Give UpRest your headYou worry too muchIt's going to be alrightWhen times get roughYou can fall back on usDon't give upPlease don't give upCould it really be that in such a short time i have made these friends,
that i have become a part of something that is already so meaningful?
-------------------------------
lyrics
"Come Away With Me" by Norah Jones off her album, "Come Away With Me," 2002
"Don't Give Up" by Peter Gabriel off his album, "So," 1986 - Get the complete lyrics here.
Gum Fairy
Tonight on my way to class I felt like I had nothing to give. I am extremely exhausted and surprised that I am having the energy to write. U feel like I got a taste of what a piece of real motherhood was like today. Taking kids into public is so much fun to watch them interact with the world around them, but at the same time it feels really draining...or it could have something to do with me not sleeping very well at all. I feel like death and cannot wait to go to sleep.
The last thing I wanted to do was engage with people. Before lecture I talked with Stephanie about her sister(she was diagnosed with cancer a few weeks ago) and I caught her up on what she missed in class. I wanted to talk with other people that I have been conversing with but was fried out. I got a new pack of gum out of my purse and offered a piece to Steph, then to Andy next to me. Then I went to throw the wrapper away and I thought, "I should offer gum to other people." I asked Eric, Cory, Miranda, Justin, Ava, and everyone else but I cannot remember every person's name. I felt energized in giving. I sat back down and talked to Andy about Andy and how he was doing and listened to him tell me how tired he was. Steph leaned over to me and said,"That was really nice, you were like a little gum fairy. If it were me I would have offered you some and that would be it."
It is in the simplest of acts that we are able to take the love of Christ into the world. Sure to me it is a pack of gum, but to another the act of being acknowledged by another person is immeasurable...
It is in the daily that we are able to bring the divine...
Thought I should add...it was Orbitz gum. One of the ways the word Orbit can be used is this way: A range of control or influence: “What magnetism drew these quaking ruined creatures into his orbit?
And for those of you who are wondering...I will not be pulling out Testamints next week...
http://christianthings.com/testmint.html
Will you pray for me this weekend? I have to write a 5-7 page paper for Sociology, two tests next week that I have to get A's on, 5 observations for ECE, and a ton of other crap. I am not getting much done during the week...
Blogging time up....
Practicing Presence
This evening after a lengthy discourse on adolescent and young adult development I walked to my car with Kim from my class. At the beginning of the term we talked about what our "dreams" were and what we wanted to do. I shared about how I worked in a certain direction toward a "career" for a long while and was not sure if that is what I wanted to do anymore. I did not share specifics, as I try to avoid the instantaneous label that is place on people of ministry. People of ministry are the blacks of yesteryear. Heaven forbid you be a "christian" or a "believer" or a "Jesus-freak"...you are promptly placed in the category of "judgmental", Bush-voting, fundamentalist. I avoid this at all cost. I would much rather enter into a conversation with someone and be Jesus with skin on. I just love that term to describe incarnating ministry...it seemed so cheesy in YL at the time...but it is so applicable.
Kim had shared her "testimony" with the class this evening about her coming into her own. She grew up in an unhealthy cultish (like really a christian cult) home. When she was 18 she moved to go to college and began to explore her sexuality and realized that she was a lesbian. She shared a bit about being disowned by her family and how her friends have become her new family. I was so moved by her raw emotion and honesty that I decided to tell her.
I told her how impressed I was and how I wish she wouldn't have been so hurt by people and that I was sorry that happened to her. Now I cannot explain this but there have been a few times where I feel like I should apologize for the hurt Christians inflict upon people...I guess trying to right a wrong. She has been asking me all term what it was that I wanted to do career wise since everyone else was specific...and I remained a mystery to her. I told her that I was in ministry for years and that I wanted to plant a church someday. I also told her that my dream was to provide a place for people to question, to serve, and to be themselves and love everyone equally...cause I think that is what Jesus did. I told her why I didn't share that with many people(she got it) and we ended up talking about life, God, and our beliefs for the next 20 mins.
She was so honest with me and I felt privileged to listen to her. She shared about her family, her being kicked out...I briefly shared about Erin and other people who think I have gone off the deep end. It was so neat...
I told her that we need to go for beer sometime(she and Jen love McMenamin's) so we are going to try and set something up next week.
I love love love being able to be with people! I also love that Jesus is giving me the ability to see people and listen.
Listening is the new preaching of today....Silence speaks so much louder than words.
Yakima is the pit of hell
Yakima is the pit of hell and I am not going back there EVER unless one of the following occurs:
1) My sister has a baby
2) Someone in my family is hurt, sick, or needs major surgery
3) My cousin is in deep emotional distress(maybe I will buy her a plane ticket for this one.)
4) My friend Erin gets married
5) Someone that I love dies
6) They decide to burn it and start over(I will be there in the aftermath)
I have been dreading going back there for almost a week now...I cannot do it. It is truly the most awful place in the world....I am Urbaness Kat...I cannot survive without the city air. It is bad enough being in the suburbs all week let alone spending a weekend in hell. Obligation should not be the motive to do things...I should know this from experience.
I realized that my family has been here once in the last two years. Once. I have seen Trissa's family more than I have seen my own. I think that if it were a priority they could come here...I am not going to feel guilty about not going anymore...I have a life too that is actually far busier than every member of my family (excluding my aunt...possibly)
Done, done, done feeling guilty!
Today I had the perfect job!
Jake and Lily were so great today! It was the best day...this perspective however may be due to the 5 SHOTS OF ESPRESSO that I drank today. I have decided to bypass the milk and additional calories and go straight to the heavenly source of all things good and pure...
CAFFEINE!
We went to play gym this morning and I talked to a couple of mom's. I think not having Olivia there forced me to be somewhat social. Although I missed having Olivia there...I like having her around..it makes me less nervous to know there is someone else watching Jake...two on two action is much easier. Anyways it was nice to listen to some of the mom's talk about there kids. Lynn works for Hanna Anderson and her son____ is 2. Melissa and Luke(who is a month older than Jake). Melissa vented about these bratty kids that are rowdy and hates it when they come. She seemed VERY overprotective of her son, which is only going to lead him to rebel if she doesn't allow him to act out now.
Later in the afternoon we went to Washington Park and played. It was SO much fun. I loved playing with Jake in the new place...he loved the sand box. I am not sure if he has played in a sand box before, I am sure he has, but I talked about the sand box before we got there and when he saw the sand box he said to me through a silly grin,"Sand-Box". It was really cute. We played and I met a dad with two boys that were 5 and 2, and I listened to him tell me the story about his wife leaving him and the kids a few weeks ago.
It was really sad. I am not a mom, so I do not know, but being a nanny...I could never out of the blue one day decide to just leave. Partially because I am somewhat of a commitment Nazi, but mainly because I love Jake and Lily. More importantly they love me(actually Jake love me...I think I am growing on Lily) and I have made the choice to be a part of their lives for this season...you don't do that to kids...that's just crappy. This is coming from someone who is not a mom...
I also don't know the whole situation...he could be crazy or something. The part that I loved was the listening. I was able to listen to someone's story, and tell him that I was sorry that he was hurting. That my friends is something that I love to do. I love to comfort people who are hurting, I love to be a listening person in someone's life, and I love that it happened just by being present in a place.
I think that is essentially what Jesus wants us to be. A light in a dark place, a beacon of hope to a despairing world. A presence. I believe that happens in the daily living of our lives. I believe that happens while turning our heart and ears to another individual(mom's and nanny's eyes are on the children) and being the loving presence of Jesus in the world(or at least in our sphere of influence).
Maybe I need to start paying closer attention to the Starbucks people...they are definitely in my sphere.
Oh...I started reading the Confessions of St. Augustine today...more about that later.
I would have the perfect job if...
I could get paid to do the following:
1) Blog and write(but not to be published...don't like the pressure)
2) Spend time with people listening to their stories and caring for them
3) Have time to be involved in the community raising awareness of social issues and volunteering in a shelter or an AIDS clinic.
4) Thinking up creative ways to build community and do them(make dinners, plan movie nights, etc.)
5) Read. Anything that will stimulate contemplation in me and in turn be used to encourage people.
6) Spend time caring for children(but only kids that I like)
7) Care for a commmunity of people and inspire them toward loving Jesus and loving other people.
8) Organize things...set up calendars, administrative stuff that ties in with community stuff.
9) Setting clothing displays in department stores(the ones in Mervyn's bite....sorry I am a bit obsessed with store displays that model 90's style....so wrong)
10) Make ugly things pretty and neat
Okay so maybe I do want to be a paid-pastor. I remember saying once that the only way that I could become a full-time paid pastor was if it were in my job description that I were to spend 1/2 of my time volunteering with a community program.
This whole needing to find a career thing sucks ass. It sucks even more when you to a certain degree feel called toward something and don't know how to get to the end of the rainbow. Several years ago someone said to me:
"Find your passion and when you find that, find out how to get paid to do it."
It would be nice if my passion were in line with something that would provide a 401K and stock options. I never used to think about this crap and now I worry about it. Planning for the future.
The reality is...that I have a great job as a nanny. I love to go to work. I hate it when I am sick or the weekends...I feel like I miss stuff. The only thing that would make it perfect is if I had time for people. Sometimes I miss the flexibility of the coffee shop, where I could meet with people in the afternoons and evenings and not worry about getting up on time and being prepared for the day.
I guess you can't have your cake and eat it too.
Silly Movie Line
I went to see a movie today and in one of the previews a woman says:
"Hope. I will start having hope when Jesus stops making movies and answers the prayers of a righteous woman."
Funny.
Station # 2
The Second Station:
Jesus carries his cross
Most fortunate is the soul who walks by the way of Calvary, following Jesus our Redeemer, for if we suffer with Christ now with Christ we shall reign in the glory of the Father.
--Saint Paul of the Cross
Matthew 27:27-31 (The Message)
The Crucifixion
27The soldiers assigned to the governor took Jesus into the governor's palace and got the entire brigade together for some fun. 28They stripped him and dressed him in a red toga. 29They plaited a crown from branches of a thorn bush and set it on his head. They put a stick in his right hand for a scepter. Then they knelt before him in mocking reverence: "Bravo, King of the Jews!" they said. "Bravo!" 30Then they spit on him and hit him on the head with the stick. 31When they had had their fun, they took off the toga and put his own clothes back on him. Then they proceeded out to the crucifixion.
You were led to Calvary, Lord,
carrying the cross by yourself.
Yet was the cross only yours,
or was it also mine you bore?
By your holy cross, O Jesus,
make me strong and able
to take up the cross I must bear.
Station # 1
The First Station:
Jesus Condemned
Matthew 27:2-11
The Message (MSG)
2Then they tied him up and paraded him to Pilate, the governor.
3Judas, the one who betrayed him, realized that Jesus was doomed. Overcome with remorse, he gave back the thirty silver coins to the high priests, 4saying, "I've sinned. I've betrayed an innocent man."
They said, "What do we care? That's your problem!"
5Judas threw the silver coins into the Temple and left. Then he went out and hung himself.
6The high priests picked up the silver pieces, but then didn't know what to do with them. "It wouldn't be right to give this--a payment for murder!-as an offering in the Temple." 7They decided to get rid of it by buying the "Potter's Field" and use it as a burial place for the homeless. 8That's how the field got called "Murder Meadow," a name that has stuck to this day. 9Then Jeremiah's words became history:
They took the thirty silver pieces,
The price of the one priced by some sons of Israel,
10And they purchased the potter's field.
And so they unwittingly followed the divine instructions to the letter.
11Jesus was placed before the governor, who questioned him: "Are you the "King of the Jews'?"
Jesus said, "If you say so."
And they sent you to your death.
Lord Jesus, Word made flesh,
Light for our dark world,
God come to save us,
may we never send you away.
Stations Opening Prayer
Praying the Stations of the Cross
To pray the way of the cross requires only that you meditate before each station. Before each station you may say:
Lord Jesus Christ,
take me along that holy way
you once took to your death,
Take my mind, my memory,
above all my reluctant heart,
and let me see what once you did
for love of me and all the world.
The way of the Cross is the road which leads to Paradise; it is the sure way to holiness.
The Passion of Christ is the greatest and most stupendous work of Divine Love.
-- St. Paul of the Cross
Stations of the Cross @ UC
Some of the things that I love are meditative ritual and contemplation. I really love some of the practices of contemplation that the Catholic tradition practices. Another thing is trying to see Jesus in the mundane in everything that we do that it would be worship to God, that our lives would be lived in such a way that it were a fragrant offering to God.
For Lent I decided to set up Stations of the Cross at church. For more info here is a site:
http://www.cptryon.org/prayer/xstations/index.html
I know that someone is probably reading this and thinking that I am wacked out for using something from the catholic faith(you know who you are). For me, I think that Jesus is so much bigger than theological debates and instead of throwing the baby out with the bath water, I think there is wisdom in finding value in things that christian fundamentalism sometimes overlooks because of piety.
Here is a picture of one of the stations that I set up:
Each of the stations takes you through the final steps leading up to Jesus death, with a scripture and a quote.
For space I will post the Stations text in another blog.
Blessings!
Musings of the Homeless Man
The broken sidewalk and hazy lights on Belmont lead a path for us to journey. It was an overcast Saturday evening as we gather for the weekly ritual of beer, conversation, and food. My dear friend needed someone to listen so we removed ourselves from the smoke-laden room and walked the block.
It was a refreshing source of air for my lungs and my soul. As we were walking I was surprised to see a homeless man sitting in the bushes that I had not noticed prior. He said hello, and asked if he could play a song for us. I told him we didn't have any money, he said he wasn't doing it for the money, that he does it for the people.
He played a slow song, and a fast one...to be honest weren't that great. We danced to the music. We were being silly(not drunk I only had 1/2 of a beer), and we danced to the music.
When he was finished he said the reason he played his harmonica was for the joy. Not for the money, he said he gets enough to eat, to survive, but to see the smiles and the dancing of people.
I left completely touched by this. His heart was not for money, nor wealth, but in that moment he lived for another's happiness.
Jesus let our lives be like worship to You
Let our worship be a blanket to the homeless man
A healing salve to an open wound
Help us not to forget the people that are your beloved children
Even if they are a bit messy.
Jesus you said that what we do for the least of these that we do unto You.
Help me to remember to be a servant.
Theological Conversation with Rennie
This morning I had a special little visitor while I was cleaning. I was organizing and I found the DVD that I made for communion in 2003 for UC. It was a bunch of different images of Jesus serving, on the cross set to music provided by Casey Corum's,"Your love is Amazing". I decided to watch it since I hadn't seen it in awhile. Rennie watched it with me.
At the end she showed me the sign for Jesus
(http://www.creative-communication.org/creative/lessons/dictionary/graphics/jesuslovesme/jesuslovesme.asp)
and told me the reason why the sign was the hands was because the nails went into his wrist. Then in a very non-chalant tone said,"But you know he had to die."
She then got her very deep-thinking Rennie look on her face(that is classic Rennie) and said," I don't get the whole Jesus being God and God's son thing." How can he be both?
I said,"Well people were not close to God and God wanted to be with his people, be in relationship with His people and for us to be able to see Him and so He send His Son, so we could be in relationship with God again."
Rennie said,"Yeah I get that."(I wonder if I even get it sometimes!) "But what I don't get is how he can be BOTH the Dad and the Son. And where do Mary and Joseph come in. I thought Joseph was Jesus dad...?"
I said, "Well we have daddies here on earth that are the people that take care of us, you have Kevin, I have John, and they are supposed to be the people that show us what God's love is like. We also have our Father in heaven who loves us and cares for us, and that is what Jesus had. He had a father in heaven and Joseph here on earth."
Rennie,"Oh ok...(still with the deep-thinking look on her face)
I said,"Sometimes I get confused and I don't understand it either...it is ok not to understand all of it."
She just came downstairs and saw that my bag has R's on the inside lining and said," R for Rennie."
I said, "R for Reaction by Kenneth Cole"
Oh the things these kids are learning...
There are people in life that can go through the motions, live their day in and day out without thinking about if their lives are making a difference, if they have contributed to the bettering of society, or if they are fulfilling their purpose.
I am not one of those people.
In the book of Jeremiah God says to Jeremiah," For I know the plans I have for you. I have plans to prosper not to harm you, but to give you a future and a hope."
Over the last year I have intellectualized this repeatedly. I have questioned my calling in life, I have questioned the person that I know that God has created (is creating) me to be. I use both terms because I know that I am a work in progress. Through the shaping of who I am within a community, in relationship with the triune God, I am never going to be complete. That is the beauty of evolving, my friends.
I decided on my last day in Hawaii that I was going to stay at Urbanchurch. I had a definitive moment with God on the beach, and at a little cafe, from about 5:30am-10:00am. I cannot really put words to what God did, I just know that I was forever changed on the morning at the beach as I experienced a depth of love and adoration toward God.
I know I left the situation realizing that in order to be true to the tenacious spirit that God has knit into me, I needed to stay. I need to be the leader/pastor/whatever that I am supposed to be, despite my questioning. I questions time and again if I was this person because other people said so, but the reality is that I know. This is the place that I find my resolve, in knowing that I am being the person that God has created me. The reality is the definition of who I am will not be found in being a leader but it will be found in being God's child. To be honest...I am not sure that the "who" of who I am can truly ever be known as I am a changing person. Every moment, every experience shapes us...
I came back knowing in part that my decision was reflectant of people that are my friends and confidants opinion's of what I should do...some of their opinions...others thought I should leave. It came down to bottom line...when I stopped being critical, stopped intellectualizing, and listened to the small voice of God within my own beating heart...I knew that I could not be content knowing I did not stay. Once that happened it was as if passion flowed. I could dream of the church again, I could hope again, and I was able to see the dawn of a new beginning.
Now...here is the catch. Yes I am staying at urbanchurch and I am going to be an ACTIVE part of the community and help make it somewhere I want to be and that other's would want to be... building a family.
I am still going to go to school. I am going to keep pursuing this other direction and continue toward my Sociology degree until it becomes apparent to me and to the people around me(or at least the people that have earned the right to be heard) that it is time to do something else.
Next quarter I will still be taking a full-load, but I am making more time for people...which means less time for me...and I think that is ok for now.
But this summer...I will be free. I will only be working and I will be able to spend more time doing what I love...caring for people.
List of things to do....
Jeanseaux on Friday to watch girls
Wash and clean car
Study
Buy stuff for stations at church
Meet with Bryan Campbell on Sat
Audit class on Sat
Go see In Good Company
Clean room
Make meals for week
Give Brian and Ruth their rocks
Maybe Horse Brass on Sat
Find Dan's # and return his call from when I was gone
Call Erin
Call Sarah(if you think about it...pray for Sarah...she is having a hard time finding a job and is really discouraged.)
Relax
Go tanning
Review books that I read
Thinking relaxing is not going to happen
I have this itching, burning sensation on my...
face. When I was in Hawaii something happened to my face. It kinda burned kinda not...whatever the hell it is I have scratchy, dry combo skin and it sucks.
Tonight, being the genius that I am thought I would put Benadryl creme on the itchy part...now it is freaking burning and I washed it off 10 min. ago.
I look like crap...not to mention my hair has been a pain in the butt since I cut it.
Oh and I wore this stupid shirt today that I didn't realized how unfashionable it was due to the $3.00 price tag. I think I can make it work if I actually wear it correctly.
Today was a good day until I went to school. I was so tired that I left early. I am going to bed in 3 minutes.
"The richness of my inner life is a complexity more riddled with doubt than illumined by faith."
"But all of that holy busy-ness seems like a kind of sand-castle building to me now, and the zeal of my answers is a soggy heap of kelp by the tide. There is a prayer that is simply seeing through yourself, seeing your own nothingness the emptiness impervious to self-assertion. A prayer that is the end of the rope. A helplessness, fathomless, and terrifying. No matter how holy or well meaning you were when you start out, no matter how many fine experiences you had along the way, by the time you reach the point of this prayer you want only to get out of it."
"And God? God is that which will not let you out of it."
Quotes from the Monk Downstairs
I have read a book called,
The Monk Downstairs, by Tim Farrington. I just realized that this guy wrote a wonderful female character. The book is about a monk named Michael Christopher who has left the monastery and is now renting an in-laws apartment located in the backyard of a single mother named Rebecca. The plot-line is pretty simple, guy and girl, guy and girl endure trouble, guy and girl live happily ever after. The lucid turns this books takes are hilarious. Mike, is struggling to find himself after 20 years in a monastery, find meaning in his life, find the purpose for his journey. Throughout the book there is correspondence with a monk that he used to minister with. This monk, Brother Mark, has taken it upon himself to stay in contact with Mike and help him to "save his soul." As the communication progressed through out the novel, the interaction between Mike and Mark becomes increasingly heated, as Mike becomes increasingly jaded. The language is so beautiful and raw, as Mike tries to explain his new found experiences, new found faith, and found love. The author has done a great job of communicating the doubts, insecurities, and hearts of all of us in ministry at one time or another.
Back from Hawaii
I feel more rested than I have in years. It was the best trip ever. I spent the first week avoiding any thought processing, which was just what I needed. I made three decisions while I was there. One, I am going to give up an hour of sleep every morning during Lent to spend time with God. Two, I am going to listen to God more, Three, I am going to write more. So many things happened in me not really trying to make a decision, that some decisions I feel are falling naturally into place.
On Thursday morning I got up at 5am and went to the beach to watch the sunrise. I listened to 3rd Day on the way there and prayed. I sat by the ocean sipping my signature soy latte, and wrote an analogy of the ocean and my spiritual life. I realized that although I may not be the most eloquent of written skills, I love to write. All of the talk about publishing and crap lead me to not want to do it anymore. I felt as if I HAD to produce something worthwhile for my writing to be of any importance and this is not the case. Now I understand it is not about the final product, but the act of creating. My descriptive language use sucks, I have a hard time communicating emotions on paper, but I love it. I love to write and I think that is why I love to blog so much. I love having a space to create, since I am not writing music very much(although I started a new song this afternoon). When I am not creating I feel all bottled up and I have not outlets. Man oh man I sound like a freaking hippy.
Ok so we are made in God's image and He is a creator. I think that means that we have a portion of God's creative spark.
Edith Schaeffer wrote:
" A Christian, above all people, should live artistically, aesthetically, and creatively. If we have been created in the image of an Artist, then we should look for expressions of artistry, and be sensitive to beauty, responsive to what has been created for our appreciation."
So I have decided that I need to listen to that still-small voice within my heart that beckons me to write, to love, to sing.
I read a ton of stuff that I will comment on later. I have homework to do. Over the next weeks during Lent I am going to focus on different spiritual topics to get your thoughts flowing in the direction toward God, our beautiful Father, Jesus our brother and Savior, and the Active Spirit within our lives.
May you be blessed beyond measure.
Moku'aikaua Church, Kailua-Kona, Hawaii
Beach @ the Marriot
I don't know the name but this is the beach from this day!
Thoughts on the Journey in Hawaii Part 3
Wednesday
Today Jake and I played at the beach. We went to a small beach with extremely course sand that was made up of bits of lava rock and coral. It was unlike any sand I had ever seen. As I lugged the stroller with the oversized bag, sand toys, and the small whining child, my thoughts went to distant thoughts of a singleton at the beach without large quantities of "necessities." We dropped our things and walked toward the ocean to explore. The larger rocks beckoned us closer and we began to take our steps upon the steady ground. Hand in hand we strolled upon the rocks. They were covered in mossy green slime that feels and smears like finger paints. We found a spot in the rocks that dipped in and formed a puddle, the perfect size for a small boy and his nanny to explore on an overcast humid day in February. I found some of the green paint on my arm and we began to paint with it. Sitting on the rocks, our feet in the warm puddle, having him smear green moss on my arms and legs, I felt alive. I looked out into the vastness of the ocean, so grateful for the beauty I was experiencing at that moment. To love, to care, to protect, to play.
Thoughts on the journey in Hawaii Part 2
Wednesday
Today Jake and I walked through the petroglyphs trail I saw Jesus heart. The road that we were on was a road which was not the safest for a 20 month old quick boy who occasionally trips to walk on. The road is filled with rocks, some that are like stepping stones, others are just hinderances as you try to keep balanced. It was pretty rough terrain for a small boy, but I thought that he might enjoy all of the small rocks that we could explore. We began our walk down the trail together and as he became more familiar with the road he walked ahead. The times that he did this I looked ahead of him to make sure it was safe, my eyes were always before him. I could forsee any obstacles that may come in his way. There were times when I called out his name to slow down, to be careful, to hold my hand. Many times he obliged my paranoia, my protective nature, other times he continued down the path himself.
Halfway through our adventure, we came upon an area where he needed to hold my hand. He felt as if he did not need my help. I, insisted that he take my hand, and repeated my intentions were merely to protect and help him. He eventually noticed that it was easier to allow me to help him and grudgingly took my hand. Other times, I had to grip his hand furiously in fear that he would escape my grasp...this child, like most children has a mind of his own.
There were other times where I walked alongside of him, I did not know the best way to get through the area we were at so I had him sit down until I could go ahead of him and make sure that he could make it, other times I carried him to make both of us feel better.
All of these heightened experiences on my walk with Jake, I felt as if each word that flowed from my mouth that Jesus was trying to show me that is what he is doing with me at times. It was as if the word came to live as they came out. My words becoming small reminders of my Father's voice.
The clean morning air refreshing to my lungs
I could feel something
Was it you?
The warm winds of the spirit envelop my being
I walked amidst the holiness of this place
Thoughts on the Journey in Hawaii Part 1
I am going to publish this in installments. I was going to put it all in one blog and I thought it better to date them back and go in sequence.
Have fun!
Tuesday
It is really beautiful here. It is the perfect temperature for me. Not too hot, nor too cool...it is just right. This morning I felt really meditative as we were walking along the lake. The warm breeze enveloped every inch of my body, it was really peaceful. Each step I took I became increasingly aware of my presence in this amazing part of God's creation. I could hear soft, joyous music play in my head, as each step to me felt full of life and hope. I loved being able to see the world through the eyes of a small child, each step, each stop, provided a new adventure for the two of us to embark. First it was the smallish puddle in the parking lot that was infested with beautiful pink azalea petals that he insisted he put his feet in, next it was the centering stones in a pattern of tiles that were metal and just beautiful. Finally it was the koi fish that we sat and looked at outside of the Starbucks. It is such a gift. It is a beautiful gift to spend time with this little boy as he explores and discovers his world. I feel alive knowing that I am contributing something wonderful to society. I love that I know that the world is only seen through the eyes of our own selfish paradigms, but for a moment all I see is what he sees.
