The Church of Soren Kierkegaard and Oregon Symphony
I have not been to Mergy-Church in two weeks. I told a "Speaker-of-Truth" in my life this week that I have not been attending, and she said that is a good thing. She said that I have needed a break from church for awhile and that we as humans sometimes try to compartmentalize time and that God does not view time the way that we do. What to me seems like a long time, to God may not seem very long. It was good for me to try and grasp the idea that maybe I might be away from a church for longer.I am going with the "doing what is on my plate" model of ministry right now. I cannot do anymore than I am doing and the stress of Mergy-Church is just too much. I cannot handle anymore transitions...I have enough for right now. I have been thinking about taking this time to look at other churches...don't have the energy for that either. So this morning I read through Objective and Subjective Reflection from Kierkegaard's Concluding Unscientific Postcript. Nice relaxing read for a Sunday morning.
Tonight I am going to the Symphony with Trissa. We are going to see the pianist, Peter Donahue. Supposed to be good. It will be better than church. Oh wait. It could be church. Hmm...not a bad sounding church to me...symphony and possible cocktails after. That is "good church" my friends.
I had a God moment this Friday in the car. I was listening to U2, and Where the Streets have no name came on. I love this song, for some reason whenever I listen to this song I feel like I engage with God in a deep way. It is very centering to me. I was thinking through some stuff and I needed to write it down, so as I am driving on the 26, I am trying to write down my thoughts. I know...not bright but a girl has to do what a girl has to do.
Here is what I wrote:
I need to be around people that are not scared to hear what I have to say cause I am scared of my thoughts, my dreams, my questions. I don't want to be theologically spanked like I have been. I want someone to walk with me as I try to figure it out. I want to be encouraged to dream by people who aren't afraid to be a little irreverant for the sake of the Gospel. Because I think it is important to challenge our religiousity, our safe places. Because in those messy places, those confusing, heart-wrenching areas that is where we find the depths, the beauty. I want people to recognize what God is doing in me. Not according to what "they" think it is. To fit into their comfortable ideas of accountability, structure, and CP ideology, but to be honest with what God is birthing. To allow it to birth the way that it is supposed to. To be honest, I think I will know in my spirit when it is safe and I want people to trust me to be able to hear God. I know that might never happen. I feel protective of what God is doing, the baby in my belly, cause I don't want to watch it miscarry again. And I don't want to abort it again. I want to carry it to term. I want her to be healthy, safe, and warm.
For me right now I feel as if I am learning more, growing more being away from the church than I am being an "active member of a missional community." I just cannot do it right now. I have to go with my gut, I have to go with what God is saying to me, even if people don't think it is right. I have to do it cause His voice is more important to me than anyone else. Period.
I know that community is important and I value community to the highest extent. I just know that my ideas of community are a bit different than some.
posted by Kat @ 12:37 PM
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