Thoughts on the Journey: March 2005

Wednesday, March 30, 2005

Thoughts on Mothering the Church

I have all of these thoughts all day long about church planting and how that is similar to raising a child. Everyday I feel like God gives me this new view on how hard it is going to be to plant a church and on the flip side how great it is going to be.

Yesterday I was taking Jake and Lily to playgym and I decided to stop by Starbucks to get some tea. Why I cannot just buy a box of the Tazo Zen Green Tea, I will never know.

So here is the process drawn out into 20 steps:

1) Get out of car, get Jake and Lily out.
2) Look for wallet, find it and set it on Lily.
3) Hold Cole's hand, with seat on other arm. Go get bagel for Jake.
4) Walk to Starbucks, get in line. Set Lily down, to hold onto to Jake.
5) Cannot keep ahold of Jake. He wants to touch the display with the colorful breakables.
6) Encourage him to look at sis and play with her.
7) Pay for tea. Jake drops his bagel that he was holding.
8) Furiously grab for more cash to buy new one so that he doesn't freak out. Heidi insists that we have it for free.
9) Grab panino, small children, and tea and head for car.
10) No free hands, Jake tries to push door open. He succeeds.
11) I put drink down, set sis down, bend to his level and explain the waiting for Kat process.
12) Grab tea, sis, and have small child grab onto sweater.
13) Get to car, put tea and girl on ground, buckle boy.
14) Grab girl, put in, get keys.
15) Get into car. Start car. Damn it. Get out and grab tea.
16) Wipe sweat from my face.
17) Ask Jake if he is ready
18) Say a little prayer for safe travel
19) Put the car in reverse
20) Drive to destination

During the little prayer I thought...hmm...being a mother would be hard. You have to do everything in slow-motion and in stages. You cannot just get into the car and drive. You cannot just go and buy a cup of tea. You are carrying children, and children take time. You have to be patient. During the times where things need to be explained you need to take time to address those things to teach, so that hopefully the child will learn why we do things the way that we do.

Now I imagine my day would have been a little less stressful if I had avoided the trip altogether. If I would not have stopped for tea, which I didn't really need. It was more because I knew we hadn't made a morning run to Starbuck in awhile and don't want to break tradition. If I had not stopped I would have missed the opportunity to see Jake say," Bye, Bye Cheeelaa" to the bagel lady, or missed an opportunity to experience the kindness of Heidi giving Jake the panino.

There was beauty in the midst of a seemingly chaotic exhausting process.

How does this tie into church planting? I think that at times, for me, in this internal process, it felt like I have been dragging, it is taking too long. The reality is, and will continue to be, that it takes time. Nurturing takes time, birth takes time, and that I need to be patient.

Last Saturday I said I feel ready to give birth...yeah today I am not. I think that is part of this emotional process. Some days I will be jacked, some days I won't, but it does not take away from the ongoing transformation in me. It just means somedays I am ready and some not.

Just thought everyone should know...

I woke up this morning thinking about Henry Kissinger. Not sure why.

Jesse Jackson and the First Lady Pipe into Terri Schiavo Debate

According to CNN.com Jesse Jackson has stepped in once again with his view of morality for our country.

Jackson stated,"A consistent moral & ethical position would extend a feeding tube to all who are confronted with starvation-to demand public government policy to feed the hungry."

OK Mr. Jackson why don't we give a shout out to the millions of starving children all OVER the world. Why don't we pull yet again the eyes of the nation once again to something that is SOOOO MISSING THE POINT!!!

First lady Laura Bush said Wednesday that the federal government should intervene in such disputes. While traveling to Afghanistan she told reporters, "It's a life issue."

Life issue. Hmm...

I do not dispute the fragility and sacredness of each unique individual, however I think we need to look at this in light of ALL of the other really important travesities that occur everyday in the world, in our country. can we take a gander at all of the innocent lives that are being taken in Iraq and all over the world.

Just really irritated me that Jackson piped in...

Sunday, March 27, 2005

Birthing

Am I “emerging”? And what would it mean if I was? Truth be told, I don’t know what I am. I’m comfortable with Christian, but beyond that, I don’t have a clue. I don’t seem to fit anywhere, and I’ve given up trying. As I slowly figure out that God doesn’t dislike me, I’m learning to live without the validation of the religious big boys, and that makes me a much more forgiving person. I find that working on my own spiritual practice leaves me less concerned with where I fit on Christianity’s organizational chart. For now, I’m content to have friends who know me and love me as I figure out how to know and love myself. I will greedily take all the grace that I can find. I wouldn’t trade the healing I’m beginning to find for anything.

-Christy Dry Bones Dance Blog

I have spent the week praying, wrestling, drinking, and resting. It has been a good week for me to assess all of the thoughts that have been stirring in me. I read this today and resonate so deeply with it. So deeply that I feel as if the words are my own.

This week has been a week where my dreams seem to be weaving this tapestry of mystery and grace. Reading over old journal entries, silently, gently feeling as if the Spirit is hovering as my finite mind tries to grasp the thoughts of the Infinite. I can see how ever so gracefully, as I write, I feel as if these ideas are not flowing from my intellect, but from One that is spinning the vision of new life.

I started an essay this week on the birthing process. I have never had a child, yet I feel as if the things I am emotionally experiencing in the birthing of the new me. There are so many things that are like being pregnant, like coming into motherhood, that are happening in this God-birthing in me time. I have been feeling the Mary connection. All she knew was that she was pregnant by the Holy Spirit, as this life was growing in her belly. All I know is that God is birthing things in me, developing things in me, to birth something new. To plow ahead for future generations, to mother in the church.

One of my favorite quotes is by St. Irenaeus who says:

The glory of God is a human being fully alive.

That is what I sense God is birthing in me. The ability to be fully alive, without my insecurities, my ideas of calling, and the ME. Part of what is birthing is the Son within my womb. The Christ within me. The Incarnate Jesus growing in my belly. During pregnancy, you are caring for the child, taking pre-natal vitamins, eating well, and talking to the baby in your tummy. As the pregnancy moves forward, you are growing more and more impatient to see your little life. I have heard through several different sources that during the last months of pregnancy you feel as if the baby is taking over your entire body, you just want the damn thing out. This is mixed with the emotions of wanting to see the baby, wanting to nurture, to hold to love the child. This is how I am feeling both about the Jesus in me and the church God is encouraging me to plant.

I feel ready for all of these pages I have written, all of these years of waiting, developing, doubt, fear of coming into life. There are times during the pregnancy you question if you can do it, you are filled with insecurity and you change your mind. The only thing is you are too far into it to turn back. I have all of these questions in my mind, but I also come back to the resolve of knowing I am too far I have to get the thing out. I feel like I have been sitting nesting for longer than I realistically have. I guess these thoughts have been stirring in me for years, it just feels so frustrating, I am ready to start pushing. I feel like I want to at least try to start and if things don't work then you scrap them and try again. Then again I do not want to push prematurely...lots of bad things could happen if you push before you are dialated.

Maybe I need some pitocin.

Easter...

I love Easter. I especially love it this year because I am in bed reading and listening to Diana again. This lent season has been depressing and exhilerating. I feel like God has resurrected life in me. It has been good.

I, imagine that being resurrected would be an exhausting experience. To have gone through all of this trauma, die, and then come back. But to quote Rennie,"But you know he had to die."

There are so many different aspects to think on during this time and I want to think on life after death. Life coming forth. Last night in conversation someone asked me what the vision of the church I am going to plant is...

I hate these questions. I just need to stop answering them. Or at least come up with a short one line answer. Jimmy John always used to say you should be able to sum up an entire message in a sentence. Hmm...as I wrote that I realized how limiting and modernist that is. It doesn't allow space for the enigma that is our faith.

I don't think that in the emerging church their needs to be a defined vision. Let's highlight a few word just to make sure I am being clear:

I DON'T THINK that in the emerging church their NEEDS to be a DEFINED vision. I think there needs to be an idea of what type of journey you are taking, but a destination? Not sure I like that. A defined clear vision with all of the boxes, all of clear cut leadership roles, don't think you need that. Again my language is still developing...

So maybe my answer should one of the following...vote and let me know what you think:

1) I don't have a fawking clue, I could B.S. my way through and give you some sort of an answer, but it will just be crap.
2) I want to proclaim the truth of our Lord Jesus Christ here in Portland, and all around the world to set the captives free from the enemies strongholds.
3) I want to be friends with people. Walk together, providing ways that we engage the broader community through the arts, social justice, and caring for our neighbors. I want to build a community of people who play together, dance together, and care for the poor, here and all over the world. Embrace the hurting. Drink beer. Make dinner. Read literature and discover the heart of the Father. Watch movies and find the beauty of Christ. Listen to music and connect with the Spirit. Find. Explore. Breath. Listen. We will be a reflective group.

Maybe just the first sentence of #3.

No matter which way I answer it, it does feel as if life is coming forth. That something is happening...vision or no vision.

Wednesday, March 23, 2005

A better Kat...

I feel like a better Kat when I am not in school. I got my grades back from winter and I got a 4.0.

Good, yet I still didn't think it was good enough. I think I would have been ok if I would have done everything else in my life at a 4.0 average, then I would be pleased. There was a sacrifice that was made to the alter of the 4.0. My time, energy, and life. Only 4 more quarters then I can focus on just school. This whole work, school thing is sucking the life out of me. I cannot wait to be able to have school be my primary focus.

This last couple of days, I have realized that I am a better nanny not being in school. I have time to cut out Jake's projects stuff and clean. I feel more relaxed and not as if every second the kids are sucking the life out of me. This week, I remembered again why I love being a nanny so much.

I was sitting watching Jake at the play structure at Washington Square Mall. I love watching him as he is interacting with the greater world around him. Jake has a timidity about him in new situations. He stands back and watches everything that is going on around him, then he engages where he is most comfortable. His face was filled with timeless expression, I am sure he will carry for the rest of his life. His little faces that show his silly side, his seemingly blank stare that is only him studying, and the enormous grins that cause his eyes to close as he looks upward. He has this unbelievable compassionate kindness to him. Even as the little girls are taking advantage of him, he continues to be kind and even-tempered. I wish I could say the same when he is playing with me. Sometimes I imagine him in high school as the kid that everyone wants to be around, if he is anything like his parents with their magnetic personalities, this kid has ASB president written all over him. His cautious, observant nature, I hope will keep him out of trouble. He is the most amazing kid.

Ok now that I have gushed I need to get back to my other writing...

Monday, March 21, 2005

The candles are lit...

and I am sitting in bed listening to Diana Krall. She is one of my favorite artists. Her voice is so haunting to my soul, her lyrics feel as if the world is filled with beauty,love, and honesty. It is truly a blessed moment.

After hearing Annie speak last week I realized that I am going to go insane if I cannot write more. I need to get out all of the ideas that are lingering in my head. It has become something that I can no longer put on the shelf. I have a story, a perspective, that needs to be shared. Even if it is only with my friends. The only problem is that I need to get over a hurdle. What hurdle? The hurdle that is me.

I realized why I am such a freak. It is because I have a fear of rejection. Why do I reject other, namely men? To avoid being rejected or hurt. Why do I not try this writing thing? To avoid failure and rejection. Why do I not risk? To avoid failure. A good portion of why I do not do things or move forward is because I am wracked with fear. Fear of self, fear of success/failure, fear of not being accepted for who I am, fear of not doing it right. It is a large smelly pile of manure that I find myself.

After my business final, I quietly walked down the hallway, mustering every ounce of strength to not cry. My mind was flooded with thoughts of the future. Question after question, pouring out of my spirit, toward the heavens with sheer exhaustion. I am tired of having the same conversation with God. What do I do? Where do I go? What is it that you are creating me for? Exiting the double doors, breathing in the moment,the smell of wet earth filled my lungs. Delicate drops of rain feel on my thick hair to attempt to cleanse away all of my pain. My spirit was holding onto every fiber of strength that I had left, every string slowly being ripped in me.

I have nothing. Nothing, I dramatically thought to myself. Every insecurity in me was rearing it's ugly head. I cannot do anything well. Why can I not do anything well. The only things that I am good at are not worth anything. Why can I not just be good at one thing. Ruth is really talented with the piano, why can't I be as talented as her? Trissa is really confident with boys, why can's I be like her? Erin is a fantastic teacher, why can't I be like her? I am good at loving people. I am good with kids. I am good at being nice. Why can't I preach a message well? Why can't I sing well? And finally, Jesus why the hell can I not write? I want to write well, I do not want to just be somewhat good like I am at everything else. I really want to just to one thing well cause it feels so scattered to me. I cannot do anything right.

Then I realized. My mom used to tell me that I couldn't do things right. I remember when I was around nine sitting in the car on a hot summer day with my mom. I sat quietly in the back seat, then a familiar song came on the radio, that I enjoyed, and I began to sing to it. I stumbled over a few words, and felt stupid. I remember feeling unsure of myself alot as a child. My mother haughtly reached over to the stereo, and turn the music down. She said, "If you are going to sing it, sing it right."

I spent a majority of my childhood trying to make things right. I spend most of my life today trying to make things right. Trying to be right. At the age of 26, I am beginning to uncover a huge flaw in me. I cannot be right. I will never be right. Why? Because the person that determines the right is me, and I have proven repeatedly that I cannot live up to my personal expectations. They are way too high.

The voice that I have been given has not had the freedom to sing, because of my own self-inflicted oppression, partly because of the unhealthy paradigms that continue to corrupt the view of myself and the world around me, and God. I guess part of me I think feels sometimes that God was displeased with me when I was not as active in the church this last year and a half. That I was a disobedient child, his bastard child, that really wasn't his because all of God's children were submisssive, good kids that saved their allowance and gave to the poor. Intellectually, I can tell you that is not true, but oh man did I feel it, still do sometimes. Part of me always felt like it wasn't ok to tell anyone that I have doubts about God, partially cause I didn't want to be attacked with the bible band-aid shit that christians are so good at using to try and cover up real pain. Jesus is a big boy, He can handle a little irreverance for the sake of authenticity.

I guess I am ready to move toward healing. I think that for me starts with believing that great things can happen. In order for great things to happen though...I need to risk.

I am going to be better at talking with men that are not married or dating someone...
I am going to try and not be so damn critical of myself.
I am going to write more.

And then we will see what happens...

Wednesday, March 16, 2005

I am a lazy ass...

I am supposed to be working on my Sociology final and I cannot concentrate! Trissa just called me to tell me that someone that we know is marrying his ex-girlfriend. In addition to that...I am completely jacked that I get to see Annie Lamotte tommorow.

ANNIE LAMOTTE!!! My favorite author of all time!!!! I am so freaking jacked!

Is it wrong to pray for good seats and autographs from your favorite author? Maybe a picture with her too...oh my gosh...I just love her to death. If I get to meet her I am going to wet myself...

I love her because I feel like her voice is a cool cup of water to the parched dry land that our culture's soul have become. We are into instant gratification, drive-thru serve, and individualism. Annie encourages people to stop and look at the world around you, roll up your sleeves, and get your ass to work.

Annie has encouraged me to discover a path in which I can tell my story. The only true story we can tell is our own, if we try to tells another, we will never be able to capture the full essence of it. She is the reason that I started to write the singleness book...that and I needed to have a place to spew my thoughts on being a singleton in the church.

So I suppose the book is a product of Annie's ability to be raw, Sex and the City's hyper-reality state of the dating world, Bridget Jones laughable naivete, and to spite all of the years of being brainwashed by Joshua Harris', completely uncontextual use of Scripture, "I kissed dating goodbye." I need to write a chapter about all of those FAWKED up books that I was encouraged to read. The sad thing is that hundreds of people's ideas of God's best, is completely compartmentalized into what Harris thinks is best. I will give him that they are nice thoughts...they are just not real for the average girl.

Perhaps the average home-schooled girl that is not going to know about sex until her senior year.

Monday, March 14, 2005

Broken Single Girl

I think the older I get the more I realized how screwed up I really am. The years are not forgiving, but instead they bring about more trials, insecurities, and hurt. At the same time, joy, perserverance, and new found faith. Faith that perhaps would not have been birthed otherwise.

Last week I met a man. Everytime I feel something new that is scary to me...it is automatically deemed weird. It took me a week to realize that what was weird was that this person struck a vunerable place in me, a place that very few people touch...I should say very few attractive, single men touch. I was struck by his kindness, authenticity, and his vunerability. It is not often that I feel good things about people in a first meeting.

Second meeting he touched me a few times. The were not just friendly conversational touches either. There were four or five of them and they were "touchy touchy". Not completely inappropriate or anything...just more intimate than conversational touch.

This has led me into some deep introspective analysis of me. I am realizing that a lot of the person of Kat, that I put forth is not the vunerable Kat. It is part of me, but not all of me. With attractive single boys, they see the bitchy closed up Kat. My friends see pretty much everything, but I realized...God is the only one who sees all of me. I disclose way more to him than I do to everyone else...basically because he already knows.

There is this part of me that is so fragile and sensitive that often is covered up with sarcasm. There is a part of me that is so broken, that I don't know how to fix it. There is a part of me that feels so complete with God being the Lover of my soul, but other times that just wants to have someone physical here to come home to and make me a cup of tea and hug me when I cry. Yet I feel like I need to be okay being alone. That I need to be satisfied, while most of the time I am, sometimes I am not.

One of the chapters of my book, Single in the Church, is about embracing singleness. To accept the reality that you may be alone. Live life to the fullest the way that God intends all of his creation to do. Sitting around whining will not do you any good. Then I start to talk about the Eeyore syndrome, the oh woe is me stuff....perhaps I need to deal with this a bit more delicately...have a bit more compassion. I started that chapter when I was having a "being content with singleness" day.

I am content. I am happy. I think that I question if I am single perhaps because of my own demise, my own fear.

I wonder how many times in life we miss out on what God is doing because our own junk gets in the way?

Perhaps this is one of those times...

Saturday, March 12, 2005

Bullshitting Jesus

I am going to sound really irreverant when I write this so forgive me. My intention is not to be disrespectful, but honest and brutally so.

I hate religious language. I think Jesus does to. Or I could think that because sometimes the things I am really passionate about I think that he is just as jacked up about too.

Back to hating religious language...yeah I hate it. It feels so fake to me. I think that there are people out there that truly do love Jesus, but they put on this "prayer voice" or use religious jargon to communicate God's truth to people. I think that we all have different expressions of who God is, and that each of us makes up his body, but I guess the expression I have of Jesus is a bit more...raw.

I have a really hard time when I talk to people and they use words like,"Seek the Lord's guidance," or "We have to share the Good News" or "He needs to be Saved.' Yes with an emphatic capital "S", like it is something to be obtained and once you have what my friend Trissa calls your,"Get out of jail(hell) free card", you are in and now it is your job to share the "Good News" with all of the other "lost" souls so that they can "know that Jesus is the Lord and Savior."

There is such a productive salesperson approach when this language is used. The productive salesperson must inform as many people as to why that product is the best for their needs, and if the product is purchased how it will revolutionize your company or your life. It makes me sick that we have reduced the Lover of our soul to a tract or a three-minute pitch on how to obtain ever-lasting life.That is not to say that people that use this approach to God and to the community around them are not valid...they are just not people that I relate to.

The way that I engage with God is different. I talk to God like my best friend, my lover, my father, my counselor, all with the foundation of non-fakiness. I lay it all out, I tell him when I am pissed off, I yell at him and tell him that I think he is being unfair.

The Jesus that I know is not impressed if I come to him with holier than thou language. In fact there are times where I feel like I have done that and I feel like Jesus bitch slaps me(convicts me) to a place of laying it all out before him(repentance). I told Rebecca last night,"Yeah I don't feel like I can bullshit Jesus."

I don't think that in order to "Seek Guidance" I need to sit down and pray for 30 minutes. I have him as my Guide, all day long. Even in the moments where I am so frustrated with the screaming child that all I want to do is yell, that he is guiding me toward understanding and patience(sometimes).

I don't think that in order to share the "Good News" I need to lay out a sales plan to someone as to why they should know Jesus. I think that being the incarnation of Christ, wherever I am at, that I am sharing the good news. McClaren describes it as a dance. You are in a love relationship with God, and as people watch this dance, people hear the music, you cannot help but want to join in. I think that Jesus is captivating enough to woo his own people...I just have to the vessel in which his love flows through.

I do believe that Jesus is my Lord and Savior, but I think that at times we get so caught up in worshipping one part of God, that we often overlook other amazing parts of God. I think over the last year I have really been worshipping the Creator/Inspirer, Counselor, and Intimate Lover that God is.

It is amazing how much we change. Words that once were apart of my venacular are now gone. I wonder if they were every truly there. I wonder if they ever really sunk into the core of who I am. I was taught several ways to preach, teach, love, and care for people. Now I see that these things were just a part of the whole that I am becoming. I see how each experience good and bad made me the person I am.

I think like people, their are many different flava's(attributes) of God, and that in any relationship if you focus on one or two traits and overlook the others, you are not holistically able to love a person.

I want to love God holistically, even though I will never be able to grasp the fullness of God, I want to at least while I am here on earth, try to grab on and experience the Ride that He is...

Wednesday, March 09, 2005

we want to hear you...

We sat all snugly on the couch.
Everything was normal,
we just finished a nice meal with all who had gathered and we were getting ready to "worship" together.
Ruth and Brian and Mac and Dylan led us,
expressing their beauty, their gift to God and to us.
i did my usual thing of listening and singing.
i really do understand the words and love all that they say.
i know what we sing to be true.
Sometimes i am even moved because i believe so deeply.
God is here. I know it. I just know it...

Then it happened.
It wasn't huge.
It wasn't earth-shattering.
But it was there... there was a change.
I sensed it in her.
She felt His presence.
I don't know what tipped me off.
Her voice didn't change.
Her posture didn't change.
But...
What was it?
Her spirit?
Something changed!
And i knew what it was.
God was sitting with her and she let Him.
If only for a moment, she was communing with Him...
***

***
It was Friday night we talked:
Horse Brass this week?
I dunno. Not sure what the purpose of it is.
Purpose? Does it have to have one?
Yeah, to build community or some shit like that.
What does that mean?
I don't really know.

I like it though.
I thrive on it.
I love the noise.
I like the beer.
I actually enjoy the smoke...(until i get home and realize my eyes are on fire and i stink!).
For me the whole scene fosters relationship.

It is different though. Different than a group of us sitting in someone's home and playing cards. Different than two of us going to a coffee shop together. Different than watching a movie with friends...
I like those settings too.

Saturday morning, Robin had a school project.
I slept in some and then got some things done.
When she came back we really connected.
I thank God for how close we have been the last couple of weeks.

Every touch,
every glance,
every word
feels like we are constantly making love.

Touched by her.
Touched by God.

Later...
Last minute.
We decided to go.
It happened there too.
Touched by God.
Again, in a way that is tangible for me:
Friendship.
Beer.
Conversation.
Companionship.

I love my bride. I love the way she talks to me. I love the way she talks to others. She is so amazing. Sometimes i like to just sit quietly and watch and listen...

Connections were made.
Similarities discovered.
differences understood.

-cough- -cough-
Time to go home.
We stayed later than normal.
I didn't want to leave.

At home we collapsed... as we slept, tangled, naked, in our bed we felt the closeness that has been building. Our prayers spoken out loud before we drifted off lead to a sleep-filled night of comfort... peace.

Sunday morning... pulling ourselves out of bed.
Feeling both excited and curious about what will happen at the meeting.

Community.
What is it?

Ideas shared.
Some differences given.
I learned though that we all want the same thing.
We are all longing for the same relationship.

A connection with God.

Can a pint get me there?
Can a pitcher?

We have these relationships. This community. These friendships that are growing:

Friday, Robin and i really connected in a conversation we had about community but also about us and how i want to be hers and have her as my companion.
God was there with us.

Saturday - that continued. Robin and i went there as companions and added to that the relationships we foster at the Horse Brass. More connection, more community.
God was there with us

Sunday morning - All of that continued. Add to those relationships, the community we have, the discussion of what community means. What it means specifically for us. What is the purpose? What does this community do?
God was there with us.

Sunday afternoon - Bob. Our neighbor. We love him. He loves us. Topics came up. We shared about our church. Robin shared some of her burdens. He prayed. We cried together. Again, connection, community.
God was there with us.

Sunday evening - ALL OF THAT continued. Relationships. Connection. Community. Some of those who we have been building these relationships with lead us in worship.
Because of the vulnerability that we have developed in our friendships.
Because of the trust built into that.
Robin was lead right into the Father's lap.
For the first time she felt she was doing more than just singing songs.
She felt as though she was truly worshipping him.
God was right there with us.
Robin was somehow lead to acknowledge Him and to bask in His pressence.

Isn't that what this "community" thing is all about?

Each of us
gathered around each other
enjoying each other
leaning on each other
carying each other
talking
drinking
laughing
crying
praying
leading each other to Him.

So there she was. With Him.

On the way home she told me how the message Kevin shared effected her and how the prayers of those around us meant so much to her.
She knew i sensed it.
She knew i believed.
But she also knew i wasn't there.

She wanted to share it with me.
She wanted to stay there too.
We talked about how to make that happen.

Formulas and postures...

She asked, "If i ask you to do something with me will you promise to not think it is weird?"
I love those kinds of questions.
What if it really is weird?

For the next hour and a half we sat, naked on the floor with blankets and pillows. Candles lit all around us. We held each other, prayed, sang and cried.
I believe He heard us.
I long to hear Him.
He still remains mysterious to me.

I am content, though, to
experience Him
through the tangibleness of
my bride,
my friends,
my community.

Monday, March 07, 2005

Thoughts you should know

Just thought you should know that while I am the most exhausted I have ever been in my life, I am the happiest I have ever been.

It is so good to rid yourself of the old and put on the new...

It is so good to be content....

It is so good to have Love...

It is so good that I get to sleep for six hours...