Today is Sunday...
8:00 Up lying in bed
8:35 Still lying in bed
8:49 Up deciding on outfit...decide to wear black/white dress with pink of the shoulder sweater and pink crocodile 9West's.
9:57 Trissa's..watch a bit of As Good as it Get's on cable.
10:18 Going to church
Church and leave before worship.
11:55 Go see Abi and Julie J.
12:33 Yummy lunch with Bryan and Lisa my fashionista guru...note to self...do need older women to mentor me in the ways of fashion as I mentor younger women.
2:30 Stop for coffee at my new place...cafe 2by2...love Troy and Jose...they are the best! God bless Cory Love and his amazing coffee!!!!
3:17 Home to write paper very angry about some stuff.
3:47 On my way back to Julie's. Hang with Jeanseau family, have dinner, and watch Monster's Inc. Freaking a little about Julie's HOME BIRTH!?!?!?!? I am such a worrier.
7:45 On way home...talk to Matt. Ask advice about beating head on wall. I said I will do whatever he thinks is best, he says this is not a hair up or hair down question(our code for same easy answer everytime question...he always says down) he says to pray some more but have wisdom. He tends to sway toward the non-bloody head team.
8:30 Play on computer reading Rachelle's blog and looking at pics
10:10 Still have not written my paper or studied for my test.
I am going to bed and have officially accomplished nothing this weekend.
Oh wait...I did. I spent time with people, I loved my friend during a really hard time, and I don't feel at all guilty about it.
I did what I love to do...let's see if I am singing the same tune during finals.
Girl of little faith...
This week has been a good week. I have slacked off some more. I have realized that I can do that so I am. Probably not the best habit to get into...but oh well.
I have been so exhausted these past two weeks. It is getting closer to finals time, and with finals comes large projects, presentations, and papers. I am feeling really tired. In fact, I should just go to bed right now.
I am afraid that I am starting to wear myself down. The thought of doing this for the next four years or more is exhausting. I am trying to be better about taking care of myself, by eating better, exercising, and sleep more. I am not sure how next term is going to look with 5 classes, two kids, friends, and me. I am going to have even LESS time. I am praying that Lily will be a good sleeper and Jake will continue taking naps for the next two years. Maybe I can even hope they are napping at the same times:)
This quarter I have two nights free during the week, next quarter I will not have any nights free. I will be going to class every night, unless I take a Saturday class...which I am not sure about yet. I guess that would through out my relaxing Saturday. I am freaking out a little...
In the midst of all of this I am feeling this tugging. I HATE that I feel like I don't have time for people. This is such an important part of my life, I know that it keeps me sane being around people, but it is also exhausting. I am tired. I am wondering if this is worth it all again...
I am pretty sure I am probably going to end back up in ministry again anyways...so why get a degree? I know, I know...it will help me in the future, then graduate school will help me even more. Oh wait, but after that I will be in huge debt so might as well continue going to school for something that actually makes money, to pay off the debt, get secure in a plushy tax bracket, and forget about all that I hold dear.
OK so I am being a tad dramatic...
I don't have the answers, I don't know really what I am doing, but I do know that as I was picking out my classes for winter, I was doing the same thing I was doing in the fall. Looking at each classes and picking them out according to what would help me most in relationships, what skills I could pick up to help me learn to understand people better, and which classes I could use to build up the church.
I know I love Jesus with everything that is in me. I know that I continuously run from my "calling." I also know that in the running I have grown, learned, and struggled in ways that have produced a greater sense of passion in me. I know that anything good is worth fighting for...I want to fight for Him. I want to see His beauty, truth, and love shine on this earth as it is in heaven.
I also know that things need to change before I will feel the freedom to walk in my giftings again. I hate feeling like I am being stiffled, confined, to a certain extent jailed. I know that I could "risk" again, but I have no sense that is what God is leading me to do right now.
I was talking to my new friend, Joyce this week about God and where I am at. She listened to me in a way that I have experienced in a long time. There are some people who truly listen to you, you know that they hear what you are saying, but are listening to you to form their next thought or comment.
Joyce is a listener who you can tell is praying while she is listening. It was so neat. I felt like I do when I talk to my mom. She listened to me vent, and then she gave me a scripture. I was talking about fighting through things, I am going to fight through. She reminded me of Psalm 23, david lying down in the green pastures. She said there are times to fight, and times to lie down.
Lie down...the first thing I thought was...hmm..what would it look like if I were not going to fight anymore. What would it look like if I were to give up?
I would be very hurting, very vunerable, and if hurt again...I would definetely be in therapy. I would have the people that were encouraging me to not bloody my head anymore supporting me, but I would feel like an ass for not listening.
Joyce encouraged me to pray. God is big enough to change things, but I have to ask him to. Part of me is scared to ask him because part of me doesn't want to do a couple of things if he asks.
Part of me wants to listen to my friends who encourage me to not fight, part of me wants to listen to what the therapist said about not putting myself in a unsafe place, part of me wants to make the decision for myself, part of me wants to listen to God...but I am scared...
Girl of little faith....
Girl in Psych class
There is this girl in my psych class who I think is really cool. She is smart, compassionate, and someone who I am becoming friends with.
For those of you that don't know I do not talk about God at all with people I do not know. AT ALL. We were studying last week and we were taking a break and she said the following:
A: Okay I have a question and you are going to think that I am psycho.
K: Okay what?
A: Do you ever think that you hear God?
K: What do you mean?
A: Well I was at work last week and I was talking to a co-worker and I started telling her about my life and then I started telling her that I knew that God had a plan for my life and a purpose. I didn't really know that until I said it.
K:That's really interesting...
A: Have you ever done anything like that?
K: Yeah I have. I totally believe that God speaks to us, and I think he talks to me.
A: Do you go to church or anything?
K: Yeah
A: I went to church for the first time in my life last week with my boyfriend and I hated it...people seemed like they were judging me.
K: I have a great church...very comfortable it is my home. It meets in a coffee shop. I sometimes share on Sunday mornings. (I told her about sponge bob day and God's love message)
A: Wow that sounds neat.
K: Yeah it's fun
A: Yeah I wish I could fine a place where I wasn't feeling judged.
(The conversation went on for awhile)
A: I am really glad that we talked about this. I love that you are a normal person, you know you drink and stuff...I really feel like you are someone who I can talk to about this stuff.
COMPLETELY BLEW ME AWAY!
Now I would not think EVER in any of the interactions I have with people they would know I were a christian with my words, but I listen.
I think listening is something that is vital in showing God's love to people. Being present in their lives.
It is good...
I have been slacking off for the last week. I have been studying, sleeping, and watching T.V. I am not really sure why...I think because I have been obsessing alot lately. When I obsess I need to veg and do nothing.
This weekend I had aspirations of hard core studying, yet I did not. I watched three movies, read, and watch the AMA's. Mom you were right about that Gretchen Wilson song...yucky.
Despite my apathetic nature I have been getting alot accomplished inwardly. I have been processing through alot and feel like I am coming to some conclusions.
I found that I need to be more intentional with the people I spend time with..although a hard choice it was a good choice. I feel as if it will be the best decision that I have made in a long time.
On the other hand, in another relationship I realized it was worth the fight. True, I want to hurt this person more than I have ever wanted to hurt someone, but I now know that the only way out is through. God Bless Alanis Morsette and her music...it is the only thing that kept me sane these last couple of weeks. I am refering to her newest CD, the soulful one, not the evil bitchy ones of her past.
I was talking with Kevin and Becca last night and it was really hard. Good, but really hard. I know that I have spent the last year running away from my gifts, but it was nice to know that I have friends who love me whether I am running or staying. Eventually I will see that I need to stop, look back, and reassess.
Just an update...remember the mid-term I forgot about that I thought I bombed? I got a B.
Hmm..what else? Evangel and I skipped church on sunday and had yummy morrocan oatmeal at Old Wive's Tale. It was so fun...
I am back on dairy! I am sure it will not be for long, but I can eat more than three dairy product in a day! Sunday I had a glass of non-fat milk, milk in my oatmeal, cheese on my sandwich, and ice cream. I am so excited that I am able to eat dairy.
I will hopefully have something more interesting than my dairy intake later this week.
Erin Hagarty
I am going to tell the story of Erin. I am thinking that if I write about it maybe it will help with the healing process.
Erin was my best friend for several years. We met in a church situation, she went off to college, we kept in touch off and on. Erin was one of the most amazing people I had ever known. Bright, compassionate, occasionally warm. She was definitely someone you wanted around.
Erin began to have problems when she was away at school. She went to UW for two years, and like most students became a great pupil of mixology. Erin at that time was self-admittedly in need of God to do something. She was in a very dark place, and needed out. So I went to visit her.
I spent sometime with her and encouraged her to come home. I offered anything she needed let me know and I would be there for her. She left Seattle, moved in with my sister and I, and was doing better. We became closer and closer as we lived together for almost a year.
She is the person I cried to, laughed with, talked about boys with. We did youth group together, which was hard, but we got through it. Erin decided about a year and a half later to move to Puyallup WA. I wanted her to do what God was saying, I encouraged her, but often regret that decision.
She was attending what I would call the Vineyard Fellowship of the Complete Assholes. Sorry it is the only way I could think to say it. It is MY blog so I can say whatever I want. Let's just say I don't have a huge respect for people who hurt other people in the name of Jesus. The Jesus I know is pretty good about wanting to protect, not harm people.
She was there for a couple of years and I knew that at some point we would end up not being friends anymore. One, because I know her and I know how she doesn't always put people in the best light and any failings I have were going to not be communicated in a positive light, which would lead people to inevitably discourage her from being around someone like "me". God forbid I would be a bad influence. Two, I knew that she was going to be sucked into the "Christian us and them mentality." Again, God forbid that we actually have interaction with the world around us. They need to come to where we are, we don't need to go to them. Yeah you know I think that is crap. Hmm...did we ascend to heaven or did God come here? Hmm..think He came here...yeah I think that's how it goes. Sorry for the sarcasm.
Over a two year period we became increasingly distant. We visited each other, talked on the phone, but I knew we were growing apart. I could feel it even before I really comprehended what was going on. It all hit the fan when I told her I wasn't going to be involved with ministry anymore. At the time I was living with some people and was feeling increasingly agitated with my surroundings. I was not in a place where I was being nurtured in any sense of the word and over a period of about 6 months grew more and more irritated, jaded, and fussy. I decided to take a break from any form of ministry before I became so burned out and critical I would never go back. She did not agree with this decision. She wasn't really sure that it was a God thing, I knew that it was.
I spent the months of November-March questioning, writing, struggling, crying, fighting, hurting, reading, and came to the conclusion that where I was, although hard was the best place I had been in a long time. LIfe was being birthed within me in a way that could have never happened if I did not wrestle with the unknown, question the certainties that directed my life, and realize all that I once knew was not truly known.
I think I scared Erin. I think my questions frightened her. Perhaps that is why she did the most disgusting thing that was ever done in my adulthood. I cannot imagine what it would be like to not have the freedom to wonder, that anything that was not comprehendable was thrown out. It saddens me to think that people actually live like this. To me, it seems easier to try and find the beauty in the things that may not seem pleasing. For some I suppose it is easier to clean it all out.
Erin and I were on the phone on a Saturday afternoon. I don't remember what exactly we were talking about. I was talking about something, then my signal faded, I realized I needed to take a shower and forgot to call back. I called her a couple of weeks later, again a week after that and asked about these overalls that she had of mine. I jokingly on the message said, "Yeah I haven't talked to you in awhile...wondering if we are still friends."
About a week later I received the box with the overalls and a note. The note basically said that I was going off the deep end, I need to find a biblically-based church, get prayer, because I am in desperate need of healing. The letter stated she wished to have nothing to do with me anymore, do not contact her via email, she erased my address. Do not call she will not call back. Do not write...you get the point.
I still cry about it 8 months later. I cannot explain how it feels to have someone who you wanted to be apart of your life for the rest of it erase you. She was going to be my maid of honor. We were going to have our kids play together. Her kids were going to beat mine up, my kids would pray for hers. I would cook dinners for the family get togethers, she would make the desserts. We would make freezer jam and Irish soda bread. I would be able to call her to get her aunt's breakfast pancake recipe. She would call to tell me about what stupid thing happened. She was my best friend.
We used to stay up late and watch movies together. She loved chocolate cake, with chocolate frosting, and 1% milk. She would leave the cups with a little bit of milk on the bottom in the living room and I would scrub the cup later. She made me laugh so hard I threw up. One morning trying to be a nice friend I decided I was going to bring her cinnamon rolls for breakfast, forgetting she was allergic to cinnamon. She said, "What are you trying to kill me?"
Through all of the irritations, love, laughter, tears, and joy she was my friend. And now she is not. I wonder if you ever really heal from loss. I do know it feels like she is dead. Even though I know she isn't. It is still hard after all of these months to imagine my life without her. Sometimes when something really amazing happens I wish she were there for me to share it with. I am sad that she will not be there when I graduate, at my wedding, or when my babies are born.
I wonder if she feels the same way. I wonder if I could have her back in my life someday. Instantly I think there is no way I could ever trust her again. I could forgive her, but I couldn't ever give as much as I did. It hurts to know that this situation tied in with another has made me not be trusting. It sucks to be hurt, I wish I could say I have moved on but I am still really pissy about the whole thing.
Hopefully in another 8 months it will hurt less. Or do these pains always linger? Are these the hurts that never truly heal? The wounds that are always open, always oozing, constant throbbing.
I am need of some healing salve. I don't think that is because I have gone off the deep end. I think it is because I realize that we are all in need. We are all desperate.
I am not ashamed to admit it, it would just be nice to be told without being excommunicated.
Growing Up
Growing Up
I had an interesting experience this weekend. I decided to take a mini break and come to Yakima for a visit. Note I did not say, "Go home for a visit." Yakima is truly the most miserable place on the face of the planet, we'll second to an Iraq War Zone.
The moment that I enter Yakima County I was ready to go home. As soon as you enter Yakima County you get a weird feeling. Some people refer to it as the, "Yakima Yuck." Truly, it is yucky and it is noticed. I am not one to over spiritualize stuff, but it feels as if you have walked into an oppressive evil place. Ask anyone that has lived there, or visited there.
I was a mess. I had to have called Trissa at least 4 times, and a couple of other friends. Trissa was the best though...she understands the yuck. Yet even in the midst of the yuck, it seems to fade as soon as I see my mom, or some other lovely person.
I have been processing through some thoughts in regard to my faith(like usual), and I feel almost at a stand still. This weekend brought up a lot of unresolved issues about my life, God, and what it is all for. I know intellectually what it is for, through the reading of the bible, but alot of times I realize what I think I know...I don't really know. Like all good mysteries I suppose...
I feel so discouraged when I come back here. I feel so different. I don't feel like anyone understands me, like I am in the twilight zone. Everything from the way people interact with each other like the lady at Selah 7-11 calling me honey 5 times, to the way people dress, to the way people drive, eat, everything is so opposite of my life. Yet I know that a part of me is all of the oddities...this is where I came from.
The difficult thing with knowing the things that shaped me is knowing that they are apart of me. The grocery store that I shopped at in Selah, looks the same as it did 8 years ago. The lady at the 7-11, is the same lady from when I was in high school wondering if I could pull off buying cigarettes without being carded. My high school still looks the same, just smaller. Everything just seems so much smaller.
All of the things that are around me are apart of the person I am today. It is just hard to have that knowledge, yet not see any correlation whatsoever.
I do not see any of my history in who I am becoming. I know that it is there...it has to be. I don't understand the mentalities of people anymore, I don't fit into the box anymore...
I guess this is part of growing up.
Wondering if it is all worth it?
I was in class last Friday working on a group project. We have to simulate a social movement for our final project. We have decided to start a movement that seeks to raise awareness of mental health issues in the Portland metro area. To shed light on an otherwise touchy subject, and perhaps break down the shame for those who may struggle. It is our experience that people with mental disorders are marginalized in our society and we seek to provide education that promotes wellness for the people of Portland.
That is just an example of some of what I said during class. According to Vanda, Kelly, and Krishna I am the smart one in our group. They are deferring all communication work to me. It made me feel really good that people thought I was smart.
All of my life I have viewed myself as the silly girl. Yeah sometimes I am a little slow to the uptake. I am so bubbly and outgoing that it comes off as...well ditzy. For the first time in a long time I am beginning to think that I may be smart. I am wondering if this is something that actually may have been going on for awhile. Curtis told me that I was smart a couple of years ago...I didn't believe him at the time, but I think I may be starting to. I also realized that I am one of the people who would be REALLY smart if I applied myself, but am too busy with other things to give 100% to it.
Last night I went to my Architectural History class and did not know that it was our midterm test(ditzy moment). I had not studied at all. I actually have not studied at all for that class. I have been taking notes, staying awake during the films, but no studying. I completely bombed the test. All of my other classes I am doing fine, I have an A in each of them, this one though...yeah I am a little screwed. I sat through the film before the test and wondered if it was worth it? All of this pressure that I am putting on myself is robbing me of the joy of learning.
I sat in class and wondered if this was the right thing. Is all of the energy that I am using being invested or wasted? Is this the right thing for me, or is it what I am doing because it is something I was socialized to believe I should do? Go to college, get a degree, have a career, invest in my 401K, buy stock, and live happily ever after.
Or is it something different? Could it be investing in the lives of people? Or caring for the environment? Taking what I do know and using it for the bettering of the world. You don't need a degree to practice kindness, love, and grace.
I guess if me going to school to prove that I am smart was the goal it is accomplished. Did I really need to sit through a class to have someone tell me that to believe it to be true? Is it something that maybe if I were to look at myself I could see without someone having to tell me. There is a sociological theory that is called the Looking Glass theory, which states that a person becomes who they are because of who other people view them as.
This is definitely true in my life. I am a product of my environment, how people view me, how God views me.
I guess I just wonder if it is worth it. I wonder if what I am looking for is not going to be found in a career, in a degree, in a 401K. If it cannot be found in these things, then where is it?
And what exactly am I looking for again?
Election
I am saddened today. Not because George W. Bush will be in office for another four years, or because the Republicans have gained more seats in the House and Senate, but because of the apathy that is sure to follow the President's win.
The Associated Press released a a statement estimating 9 percent of voters Tuesday were 18 to 24, about the same proportion of the electorate as in 2000, exit polls indicated. The youth vote accounted for 17 percent of turnout when broadened to the 18-to-29 age group, also about the same share as in the last presidential race. The actual number of young voters was up, given that overall voter turnout was higher.
Now what?
Many could say that this election was the most heated in awhile. At the end of an election which brought frustrations among liberals and joy for the conservatives, what will happen with all of the raw emotion that was produced? Will the young people who fought for the good of our country continue to campaign? Perhaps not for a specific candidate, but for peace, hope, dignity, and unity for all of humanity.
I was in Sociology 205 when we heard about Kerry conceding. The room seemed to be filled with a stale melancholy. Knowone wanted to talk, there was a sense of defeat. A majority of the class were pro-Kerry, so it was a sad day. I sat feeling sucked into the emotion of it all, and I realized that my energy was lacking. The passionate zeal that I held weeks, days earlier for my beliefs and heart for our country was failing. I felt despondent. I sat feeling like I was going to cry, then I realized that it was going to be ok and that the world CAN be a better place if I choose to change it.
I loved that Kerry told George that we needed unity in our country and that he hoped we could begin the healing. I hope so to. I hope that we can start to break down the walls between republican and democrat and start to become humans again. Wouldn't that be nice? To live in a country where we could be who we were without feeling as if we need to be apart of a certain camp. To be free, to think, to live with passion for all of mankind.
Wouldn't that be great?
I will not be bitching about Bush anymore. I realized a majority of why I love Kerry so much is because he is not Bush. I am tired of talking about Bush, it is old. He is the president for the next 4 years and I am going to be fine with that. I think to be honest a lot of why I disliked Bush is because that is what I was socialized to think living in Portland, which is one of the most progressive cities in the nation.
Now Measure 36...
I am not done with this.
Hmm... I remember memorizing a few things in 9th grade..oh yes:
The Declaration of Independance(just the part I want to highlight)
We hold these truths to be self evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their creator with certain unalienable rights, that among these are Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Happiness-That to secure these rights, governments are instituted among men, deriving their powers from the consent of the governed.
Oh yes and our rights to speech, religion, sexual orientation, whether or not Jane and Sandy can marry....all in the Bill of Rights.
Why can't we see that we are taking away someone's unalienable rights of Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Happiness.
