Yes I am alive
I have not blogged in a week because I have been processing through A LOT of stuff, I started my BC this week and feel weird, lots of stuff with school, and I had this INTENSE dream this week that took me 4 pages of writing when I got up to get it out. It was a, "God might be trying to communicate something big" dream. It had many layers and after talking about it with the "girls", they both had great God-insight.
Here are the titles of the blogs I have been working on:
Beauty in the Burbs
To be or NOT to be...
Thoughts on the Vineyard
Thoughts on Protecting Unbelievers
I need a Gay-Boyfriend
Hopefully I will get at least one done this weekend!
Kat
Curtis Calvert- Old Man with a Mohawk
Tonight in the middle of writing my Ethics paper, my friend Curtis Calvert called. He is great yada, yada, yada.
I have mentioned Curtis before in a previous post, about how nice he is, yada, yada, yada.
We caught up since we have not talked in a few months. He told me about Wildhorse, I told him about school. He told me about a Family Life conference he attended. I told him about church stuff. It was a weird conversation for me. When I don’t talk to people for awhile, I feel a bit odd. I kept talking, because I am good at it, makes silence less uncomfortable. Well that is part of it, part of it was because I was telling stories about the last three months.
Finally toward the end of the conversation, it felt as if we were becoming familiar with each other again. He said something that was obnoxious(he is a punk slacker), and I began to remember how funny he is and started to miss him. Then I started a sentence and the following was said:
Kat: “Umm never mind.”
Old Man: “You know I hate it when you do that.”
Kat: “ Do what?”
Old Man: “You know.”
Kat: “What?”
Old Man: “I know you do that to annoy me.”
Kat: “What?!?!?!”(Kat says in a frazzled annoyed voice as she secretly knows EXACTLY what he is talking about)
Old Man: “What were you going to say?”
Kat: “Never mind. It was nothing.”
Old Man: “Oh yeah....you know you were doing that to annoy me.”
Kat: You know Curtis, everything is not about you.(She says in a therapist toned voice) You are definite showing signs of your narcissistic personality right now.
Old Man: Oh....you know EXACTLY what you were doing.
The rest of the conversation consisted of him telling me about the “boys” shaving mohawks into their heads. We have a plan for him to be here in May, but since that will probably not happen, as he is a PUNK SLACKER, here is a pic of the travesty that has become my friend’s head. Well...not really a travesty, it is just...umm...interesting.
Curt-
Don’t hate me -k-? I will owe you dinner if you actually make it here!
Update
The children that I nanny for will now be known as "Jake" and "Lily", parents Otto and Olivia, for anonymity sake.
just didn't want anyone to go back and read and wonder if I had lost it!
Clarification on Donald Miller Post
Someone pointed out to me that love is a strong word. "Falling in love with..." even worse.
In case you didn't figure it out yet...let me clue you in...
I have the tendency to be quite DRAMATIC at times.
Am I falling in love with Miller? No....
Could I possibly be crushing on a person I have not had a REAL conversation with? Let's hope not...
Am I silly and girly? Oh hell yes...
Wrinkled around the edges
I feel as if I am constantly scrambling to make sense of all that life is. I want to define all that is not, I want to find answers where I lack understanding. Every now and then I know that things are not black and white, and that there is not an answer for everything. Life truly is messy, confusing and beautiful all at the same time. I wish I could be rid of the messy part. I wish that I could have all of the good without the bad. Call me selfish, but I like to have my cake and eat it too.
I get so frustrated with myself at times, because I feel like it should be an elementary skill to grasp that the world or at least my life will not always be pretty. Yet I still strive for neatness and order. Perhaps this has to do with my deep psychological malnutrition as a child.
Growing up, my mother was very unhealthy. She made a lot of choices in regard to our child-rearing that were not the best and that have effected the way that I perceive myself, the world, and how those intertwine. Basically I am saying I am a product of a screwed up family, like most of us these days. When I think upon my childhood, I recall the memories that cover me like black tar smears on a pristine white linen couch. The family that I grew up in is the reason that I view the world as it is. I need to make everything definable. I need to look well on the outside, because as my mom used to say, "What will people think if your clothes are wrinkled?" When I was younger I didn't care, the more time that passed the more aware I became of my appearance.
It was just this week that I realized all of the reason that I am so conscious of how I look is because of my mother. Most of you have seen my mother, she is beautiful. I, imagine that somewhere along the way, someone taught her the same thing. The reality is for most of my life I was orderly on the outside, but the inside was severely fawked up. Inside I had questions about who I was, where I was going, and if I was worth anything other than what people perceptions of me were. Over the years I have learned to iron my clothes, so that knowone will see that I am a bit wrinkled. I have cleaned my external so well, picked my language, clothes, ideologies, so well that knowone will know that I am a bit of a hedonist. Even in the midst of the confusion that looms over head, like crows above an oozing, bloody carcass, I know that it will eventually clear.
Even in the darkest of thoughts, there are the memories of the love that seeped through all of the ugliness at times and make it as if the tar stains were not there. It is amazing how the good always seems to outweigh the bad, no matter how bad it is. Love has the power to alleviate the deepest of hurts, even the ones that seem to not want to heal over.
Maybe I need to be ok that I get life is not neat 40% of the time. It is a start. Maybe I need to be ok with being a bit wrinkled around the edges.
Daily hands, Divine Hands
Tiny hands seem to think that they can do whatever it is that they want. Lily's new activity right now is to pull her feet and my hair. Jake's new obsession is my nose. He seems to think that it is quite funny to attack me while trying to shove his chubby little forefinger in my nose while screaming, "Nose!!!! Kat's nose!!!!" He is getting stronger everyday and it is like trying to wrestle a siberian husky puppy on speed. Adorable, but not so sane.
Hands are tricky things. They can accomplish so many wonderful things, while also doing some not so good things. I know in my lifetime my hands have been used to do really hurtful things. I am sure that Ann-Marie Chartier in the 9th grade did not appreciate me punching her in the face, just as I did not enjoy her slapping me. I know that boys that my hands have touched were pleased, only to see now that my hands were in reality harming. Then there are times where I have touched the side of someone face, looked deep into their eyes, and prayed that in that moment they would experience the love of Jesus.
God's hands are so amazing. They have the power to give and take, produce and destroy, heal and nurture. Sometimes I imagine God as a large beautiful woman, who's skin has been marked with lines of wisdom and kissed repeatedly by the sun. She is the owner of an organic garden, and she is in charge of the crops. Each seed gently hand-planted, each fruit hand-picked, and placed into a large wicker basket that rests gracefully on her hip. Her hand are delicately shaped, but you can see the strength within. She loves her employees, and gives them the first of the fruits, she even takes time to make special jams for the employees to take home and enjoy with there families. She is a kind, generous provider that loves life, people, and good food.
Tonight while hanging out with my friends I saw Her hands. I saw that even though at times we think that our tiny little hands can do amazing things, Her hands are the ones that really do the work. My friend Kelly is coming into her God-within her space. She is beginning to see how Jesus plays an active role in her life and is hearing his voice. Kelly is truly one of the most amazing people I have ever met. At first I thought she didn't like me, but I think that was more because she doesn't hide. She does not put on the niceties that most people do to cover up themselves, there is no bull-shitting with this girl...she is present. We sat over beer and dessert tonight and chatted about what God has been stirring in her, and I was taken to a place of ineffable awe.
I was moved by the fact that my Lover has the ability to show up and reveal himself without our help. She said, "I feel like Jesus has infiltrated me." Trissa said, "Jesus penetrated you." Which I thought were both great words to describe communion with God. In an old Webster's dictionary the definition for communion was intercourse. Intercourse with Jesus. It is so nice to know that Jesus isn't afraid to have intercourse with us, but that he wants to be in us. He does not rape us, but he woos us into a love relationship.
Later while in the bathroom Kelly said, "It's almost like being gay. I know that I cannot deny it anymore, and hide in the closet." I LOVED this!!! It still makes me sad that being a Christian has such negative connotations that people, myself include, feel like I need to escape the label.
It is truly an amazing experience to hear the story of people whom God is working in and be able to sit back and know that is has nothing to do with what we do or don't do. It is something that is indeed other-worldly. To see the hands of God, we are graced with little glimpses of what a beautiful Lover is doing in the hearts of men and women everywhere.
Over IPA's and Carrot cake, the Holiness we encountered is too much to explain with words.
Will back out on singleness idea if Donald Miller is available
I will rethink the whole being single for a long period of time if Donald Miller is available.
Just started reading his newest book, "
Searching for God Knows What" last night and I am only one chapter into it and am already falling in love with him again.
Makes me feel silly when I fall in love with authors who I am reading. I first began to have "feelings' for Miller, in his brutally honest book, "Blue like Jazz".It is hard to stay on the side of normalcy and not stalk him especially when the author lives in your town, goes to your friend's church, and you know hangs out at ALL the same place you do. I ran into him at Anne Lamotte's book reading at Powell's and retreat to the 6th grade mentality of, "Oh my gosh(tehehe...)I cannot talk to him(tehehe)."
In this case I actually took 5-10 minutes to muster the energy(ok Trissa was threatening to drag me over to him if I didn't), I have issues and cannot talk to boys that are CUTE and in this case, I admire.
Miller's draw again, is his ability to communicate with intelligence, beauty, and vunerability. The ability to lay himself out for all the world to see is the mark of all things good.
Despite the girly imaginary thoughts that are produced while reading his book, I don't think he could be a pastor's wife.
Irvington Preschool Silent Auction
Snip & Tuck
Item # 619 Vasectomy
Gentleman start your engines. Don't be shy about bidding on a vasectomy. If you aren't bidding on it, your wife probably is. This is the procedure she has been dreaming about. Ok, so it come with a little discomfort but think of the rewards; spontaneity in the bedroom, no more 4am feedings. The doctors at Portland Family Practice have performed hundreds of vasectomies and will take good care of you. And you'll have the spring back in your step in no time!(We have set the value at $300.00, an estimate of out-of-pocket expenses for the patient who has insurance coverage. If you do not have insurance that covers this procedure, this is a steal!)
I am not kidding...this is word for word on the pamplet.
Singleton Thought
So TODAY I am thinking I like the idea of being single for a LONG time.
***********************A LONG TIME!********************
Today I like the idea of planting a church as a single woman. Actually today I love the idea.
The reality is...I don't have time to be in a dating relationship. Where I am right now just feels so right. I don't have the time to be doing all of the girly girl stuff. I want my focus to be on what God has put in front of me right now...and from what I can see...that is not a boy.
I am more passionate about Jesus, getting an education, and pioneering ahead for people to walk freely in their relationship with God, to nurture people, to spend time with the poor, to do all of the things that God has put on my heart. However, at some point that might be marriage and a family.
Someone said to me yesterday that God would be more honored with me having a child, than any church plant I could ever do. To raise and love a child, is more important.
I disagree. I think that God is more honored that I am listening to His voice beckoning me wherever He may. That I listen for him delicately whispering in my ear:
"Hey sweetie, can you go here for a bit? I really want you to hold these people, love them, and nurture them the way that I nurture you. Let them see my love be expressed through all of the gifts that I have knit into you."
Obeying His voice, whatever that may be, I think that is the highest calling we could ever honor God with.
So that is what makes me want to be single for a long time. I am really loving this time of hearing the voice of my Infinite Lover. I feel content in the arms of my Beloved, I feel at rest, at peace. I want not.
Martin Buber talks about the I and the Thou relationship with God, and I believe that once you experience the Eternal Thou, there is no substitute.
Think Tank Time
So here is a little TTT that I have 10 minutes to write. Last week I presented in my philosophy class on communion. I wrote on the board the following:
Ritual and Relational
Daily and Divine
Natural and Supernatural
Added to that list I think should be:
Sacred and Profane
These thoughts all started in Sociology 204 with the sacred and the profane talk. I am not really sure what I am trying to say...
OK so there are some schools of thought that the daily is not interwined with the Divine. That in order for something to be Divine in nature that it must have an element of sacredness to it, that it can only be experienced in ineffable moments of connectivity to a Higher Being i.e. God. This moments cannot be connected to the whole of the daily life, for it loses a sense of awe if not in a "spiritual" place. Example: Engaging in a mystical moment with God where you are just completely loving on Him and He on you in a karaoke bar.
I beg to differ...
Of course, I can only speak subjectively about the matter. I HAVE had these experiences in my daily life. Can I rationalize them? Can I explain them? Can I set forth formulas to prove these moments with God? No, no I cannot.
My blogtime is up...
I will have to expand more later...
Being thankful
Most nights at bedtime, I lay in bed and talk to God. Sometimes just about whatever, but I have noticed lately, I have been really thankful.
Last night I was thinking about Jake and Lily how thankful I am that God has allowed me to be apart of these little people's lives. I am sure that parents have moments like that, but it is just such an amazing gift to watch a person grow.
We went to the park yesterday afternoon and I watched him as he was running down the path marked with the pink blossoming trees speaking his little toddler language. We continue down the familiar path, as he led the way I was struck by the passing of time in his life. Being around children as they are developing seems to put life on a roller coaster. There are moments that are slow, where you seem to notice everything around you. From the small little twigs on the side of the road to the rocks to the ducks on the pond, everything seems to be heightened as you see the world through their eyes. Then there are the moments where it feels like these slow moments suddenly decided to represent a crack high. Everything is fast, chaotic, and you don't notice anything, the puke on your shirt or the snot running down his face that is almost to his mouth.
It is no wonder that people with kids, visibly age more quickly than the childless.
Yet I am thankful for every moment.
I have been really tired this weekend...I am not sure why.
Friday I was going out to see a movie with Aaron, Trissa and Eric, decided I was too tired to leave the house so everyone came over for dinner and wine. It was really relaxing. Good conversation, food, and fun.
Saturday morning I woke up exhausted from the late night and watched I (heart) Huckabees, which I am going to need to watch again, then watch What the bleep do we know?, and then get together with friends for conversation and wine about how this intertwines with christian theology, and where we often fall short, what are somethings that are similar in thought. Hopefully we will do this soon, and have good heady conversation...which I love. Maybe we should tie this into the re-read of Generous Orthodoxy. Hmmm....
Ok so I need to hurry my blogtime is up and the Imago Dei people are infiltrating my study room. Damn Imago Dei people!
Coffee, Long Naps, and Processsing was the trick
I realized why I may have felt so burned out yesterday was a lack of "emotional processing" time from the Saturday thing, lack of coffee(i have been drinking more tea lately). Today during Jake and Lily's naps they slept for longer than usual so while I plowed through Martin Buber's I and Thou, I listened to good music and prayed.
Taking abnormal psychology rather than women's history...much better teacher. I mentioned to Otto and Olivia today that I am thinking about moving on at the end of my contract(june 2006). I don't think I can do it.
I read somthing by Mark Twain today:
Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw of the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.
When I read this...I feel a twinge of disappointment of not being Jake and Lily's nanny anymore. OK that is a vast understatement...I feel like my heart is being carved out with a spoon. I always try to make decisions prayerfully, and what will produce the least amount of regret if I do not step out or challenge myself. I think I may regret not being their nanny. Partially because I am slightly attached and do not want to miss out on their lives...or at least the first few years. Eventually I will have to move on...maybe when they are in Kindergarten! Today, I think that I will regret not staying and helping raise them. I also will regret not getting my degree. I also will regret not being able to have time to invest in people, volunteer, write, and start to plant a church.
I think I may need to try and do it all. Can I do it all?
Music of the week ritual
Today I organized my CD's catagorized them and alphabetized them in the following categories:
Burned/Non-burned
Christian/Secular
Crappy Burned/Crappy Non-Burned
Crappy Christian Burned/Crappy Christian Non-burned
It is funny...most of my vineyard stuff is in the crappy christian section.
So each week I have been picking out CD's for the week that are in the car for my commute. I begin the morning ride with Elevation and then switch to something else. I begin the school commute with Vertigo then switch.
This weeks tunes:
Ani Difranco----Knuckle Down
Garden State Soundtrack
Jack Johnson----On and On
Jennifer Knapp Mix
Princess Diaries 2 Soundtrack
The Police----Every breath you take The Classics
I cannot wait for my commute!
Be like water, by soft yet strong.
-Brenda Petterson
Merging oh beautiful Merging
It's official at the end of the month Urbanchurch and Metro Vineyard will be merging. Oh beautiful, merging.
I am actually saying beautiful cause I cannot think of anything better to say. Perhaps I am casting my hope of what will come to be. I am not really sure what I think about this anymore...it changes so often. Today I am annoyed.
Little freaked about having a lot of new people in the shop and I am not sure Kevin and Eric know where we are going. That makes me REALLY nervous. There are somethings that I am thinking that I cannot really articulate right now...but I am hoping that things will be good. But today things don't FEEL so good. I can feel myself starting to put myself on the shelf again. I hate that...I don't know if it is just my own fears or God.
The dream I had about the hospital/birth thing seems so applicable now. In the dream I as giving birth to a baby. It was a large building, I was in a lot of pain as I walked around the hospital trying to find my room. I walked around holding my stomach and ran into Nigel. He asked why I was there(it was a birthing center-esque place). I told him I just had a baby and invited him to come and see her. He said yes. I also ran into Jeff Mook who unlike the other dreams I have had about him he seemed to be really out of it. I was way excited and told him I had a baby, and he was really happy for me. He hugged me and I invited him to come see her. I went up to my room to find a clanking washer next to my bed. I went downstairs to request a new room because I knew the baby and I could not rest there. They moved me to a ward for other recovering from birth moms, but it was an empty ward. I was the only one and I was surrounded by friends, I was alone in the birth but not in the parenting. I was frustrated because there was so much transition and all I wanted to do was find my space, rest, and nurture the baby.
There is definite a correlation between the birth in me and the birth of a church someday. I think that this dream represented both the frustration of me wanting a place to be safe and comfortable to be nurtured in the "new" me and also in the birth of a new church.
Eric asked me if I was "called" last night. I know that I am "called" to planting a church where I am leading a team of people, but I am not sure that God is calling me to this "new' thing. I knew when I was in Hawaii that I was coming home to be at urbanchurch, and felt like God was blessing that decision. Eric said,"Well God knew that all of this stuff was going on when you made your decision, so why would he want you to leave?"
So now I am a little pissed off with Jesus. I just don't freaking get it sometimes. I am irritated.
In spite of...
my sad state...I did get to see Anne Lamotte last month, I am going to see Jack Johnson in August and U2 in December. What more could a girl ask for?
World peace, full ride for my master's and a pair of Manolo's?
Taking a moment to embrace the emotion
Today a person that I am not in relationship with anymore called to apologize. Since ending this friendship I have felt a great sense of assuredness, that I indeed did the right thing. However, the way that I handled the phone conversation surprised me. I never imagined the person would call, and I never imagined that I would say what I said.
The reality is that I am quite content now that this person is not in my life. At one point I thought the world would come to an end and that I could not live without this person, but now I see those were all illusory thoughts of my romantic imagination. I can and am indeed happy. Happier than I thought I could be. I have moved on.
So why does it hurt so much right now? I felt great all of these weeks and now? I feel like crap. Probably because the person sounded vunerable and I am listening to the Garden State Soundtrack.
Thoughts on Women in Leadership
Over the years, I have had these little thoughts from God, things that He has spoken to me that I have held onto like a small child grasps tightly onto a cherished toy. I have also had insights and encouragements from others that I have prayed about, felt out, and waited to see if they came to fruition. Some of these have, some of them are still sitting in the wings waiting for the chance to make their onstage performance, but they continue to sit. Tenatively, waiting to come into life.
Yesterday on my walk with Jake, I was thinking about the oppression of women over the years, thinking about how much it has changed in the secular world, yet how in the church in some circles it remains the same. However, even in the secular world a woman only make 73 cents to a man's $1. But in the church how has the oppression of women changed?
In some eccesiastical groups, it has become better. Women are encouraged freely to engage in all roles that a man can within the church. It does not matter that they are female, they are a human that has the ability to be called by God in the same ways. They are equal, in theory. People in higher authority validate their calling through ordination, yet these women I imagine still face challenges as they go against the social norms that have been set up within christian culture. In most circles, it is NOT the norm for women to be called by God in the same roles as a man.
Looking at this point from a sociological perspective there are two theories I want to look at to gain greater understanding as to the root of the inequality. One is the conflict theorist POV which would causes me to wonder,"Is it the people that are in the majority(namely white, anglo-saxton men) that continue to allow the inequality to flourish? What within the structure has been set up to not allow women to freely walk in their calling?"
From the structure functionalist P.O.V. they would question what is wrong within the institution that is causing the problem. Is it the institutions that continue to not allow women to lead that are continuing to perpetuate the vicious cycle of inequality? "Is there something wrong within the structure that is causing women to not be free to express their whole-selves? Or is it inequality within our social structure, since in some circles women are allowed to lead? Do our christian social norms dictate how freely women move in leadership circles?
In the Vineyard, we allow each church autonomously to decide whether or not women are allowed to become ordained. A few years ago, I was ok with this. Today I am not. Today I see that although we have make this allowance, to me it should not be something that should or should not be allowed, it should be a non-issue. Many men that I know say that it is a non-issue, that it is not something that they don't even think about, and that they believe that women can lead just as well as a man. What if women lead better than the men? What if the women in fact became the majority? Would you still be ok then? Probably not.
At
ELI a few years ago, the issue of women leading came up. My friend was basically told that,"ELI does not want to be issue focused and the leadership believes that we want to focus on encouraging young leaders."
Perhaps they don't see because we come from a completely different stand point. All throughout history, we(women) have been oppressed. We come into a place of wanting to lead, yet do not have the relationships with the men to be apart of the "boy" group. Most of us do not golf or smoke cigars, or pee in the same bathroom, so we lack some skills in order to engage in the same ways as other men are able. It is not an issue for the majority, yet it is for the minority. We have very few ways that we are able to connect as we all know we are from different planets.
Several years ago, I felt God say to me that I was going to be a mother in the Vineyard. I distinctly felt that I was to nurture, encourage, women in leadership, to be an older role model for the younger generation.
A couple years after that, I ran into this man who was the "crazy prophet" guy in Yakima, who was the one that said I was going to pastor, before I even thought women could pastor. He said to me in the middle of a run-down Safeway that I was going to pioneer, that I would plant churches, and be an expression of God's love in new places, that I would be a pioneering force.
A couple of years after that, someone praying for me felt like God was saying that I would be plowing ahead for future generations, pioneering. During this time I sensed that God was saying that I was supposed to be an advocate for people with no voice, not just women, but minorities, the poor and disinfranchised.
There were days when I did not want to fight. I actually said to myself,"I am not a fighter like other women. I will do what I do, and allow God to pave the way." While I do still believe wholeheartedly that God will continue to pave the way, I think that I need to be speaking up. It is not ok that we say that women leading is a non-issue and then make this small, pathetic attempts to rectify the situation that are like putting a VERY small band-aid on a 3rd degree burn wound..not really fixing the problem.
In order for us to be able to lead I think that men need to graciously scrunch together and extend their hands toward the women who sit in the kitchen, the dreams that sit untouched deep within their hearts, and make room at the table.
There is room enough for all of us.
