Boy A
Yesterday I had an observation for my ECE class. I went to observe a toddler class to look for developmental progress in the children. I was supposed to find one child to focus on, and observe various aspects of their growth.
I picked Boy A. I picked him because he was cute. He reminded me of Jake. I spend about a 1/2 hour watching him, before I started to connect that something wasn't normal. A, seemed to be really autonomous for his age, and had an unbelievable ability to focus on one thing at a time. He sat for 10-15 minutes and collected acorns to put into his boat.
A, seemed completely oblivious to what was going on around him. He seemed very content to just be, and not engage with the other children. By this age(he is almost three) he should be playing with other children or at least engaging in parallel play. A little girl came over and took him boat away from him. He wasn't able to use his words and he let out small whimpers to try and communicate what he was wanting to say. He swat at the little girl, trying to tell her to leave his beloved toy alone. The girl ran away with his boat.
A, sat on the floor, despondent, and began to weep. He wept as his treasured boat was in the hands of another, and he sat alone. His toy, his friend, his connection to a world outside of himself was gone. He laid down, with dried pine needles and acorns under his tiny body while he cried out. He seemed to be aching within, not a person in the world to comfort him, he sat alone.
A, I found out later was autistic. I felt the pain that he could not express. I felt the loneliness, the pain of being so seperate from a world that he was living in. A world that he lived in which knowone could ever comprehend. I was with him in his pain.
I watched in his eyes, as a teacher came over to comfort him and there was no comfort to be found. I watched in it his body as he tried to wiggle out what he could not say. I heard it in his screams as he cried out for understanding.
Yet there was knowone.
I longed to hold him, to bring light and love to a place where he might not have ever experienced it before. I wanted to hold him. I wanted to comfort him. I wanted to clean the brownish spots of earth from his face...
I could not cross the boudaries of the observer, I had to sit and watch his pain, write of his pain.
How many times to we sit and be observers when we have the ability to clean the faces, embrace the hurting, and comfort the misunderstood?
I know that I sit more often than I should, I want to walk more.
SO SO SO SO SAD
Matt is coming to visit this weekend. I cannot wait to see him. Tommorow we are going to hang out, Saturday we are going to hang out with McVicker girls and then go to Horse Brass to meet up with Brian and Ruth, and whoever else comes. Sunday we will hang out some more....CANNOT WAIT!
Here is where the sad part comes in...I am more excited about Matt coming to town than I am about me going on a FREE trip to Hawaii for a couple days shy of two weeks. I guess I care more about being with my friends than I do going to fun exotic places.
I have been in go-go-Go mode all week long. I feel like I have been going non-stop(except today when I watched a little TIVO). I cleaned a bit today, packed some, and right now I should be studying.
I leave for Hawaii Monday morning @ 6am. I am kinda nervous. I think any new situations for me I am a little tenative. I am a bit nervous about being in the same house with so many adults. We will see how it goes. Hmm...it might be fun to give you a run down of the different personalities:
Otto- He is one of the most hilarious people that I have ever met in my entire life. He is even funnier than Jeremy Baird...mainly because Otto's joking is not all cynical...it is more well-rounded humor. He is a fantastic father, and just an all-around good guy.
Olivia-She is one of the most compassionate people that doesn't really know the capacity of her compassion. Meaning, I think she has a lot more compasssion that she shows externally. She is very laid-back, relaxed, and kind. She really loves her kids a ton....and she always has a good story to tell from Dr. Laura.
Grandpa Target(Olivia's dad)-He is really nice, loud, opinionated, and a little hard of hearing...only in one ear I think. He is loud...and...umm....loud. Kinda silly too...hmm...I am sure I will have more to say AFTER the trip. Apparently he enjoys karaoke...
Grandma Shake(Betsy's stepmom)- G. Shake is a woman after my own heart. She is kind, compassionate, she seems diplomatic, and she is ORGANIZED. Like Martha organized...she is super grandma. I really really like her.
Kat(me)-Is quiet when around all of these people. I smile alot, don't say a whole lot, pay ALOT of attention to the kids, unless I am talking to Otto, then I am usually laughing or trying to think of something witty and sassy to say to zing him or talking to Olivia...who I tell ALOT to. Well maybe not ALOT...but alot. I just get really quiet when there are other loud, outgoing people around.
I should go find out what to make for dinner tommorow and study for business...yucky yucky business.
The Little Ninja Girl
Saki, from birth was destined to be a ninja girl. Although this was not typical of her culture, she was special. Different than most girls, she bore the mark of leadership. From the early days she was known as a girl who would one day fight on behalf of mankind, to protect and embrace all of the hurting disinfranchised people of the world.
Saki wrestled day in and day out with the desire to become a normal girl. All she ever wanted was some normalcy. There is comfort in being like everyone else. There were the people within her community who sought to make her like everyone else. The women who told her to shut up and make babies. The men who told her to find her seat on the sidelines or to go be hospitable somewhere. Yet her inner being screamed anytime someone tried to conform her. The paradoxy was ridiculous. Saki craved to be apart of the mainstream, but her spirit longed for freedom. There was always a battle.
The battles that occured everywhere were not with huge bloody fights, but more with the silent movements of men into head ninja positions. Meanwhile women, educated, talented, women sat. It was not necessarily right in front of her, but it was prevalent nonetheless. The battles were in the meetings where she sat alone feeling as if her voice had no weight and was not encouraged to speak, to share, to dream alongside the men.
Early on in her life, people directed, guided, and nurtured Saki into becoming the best little ninja girl that she could. They taught her how to fight, how to be crafty and precise, and above all else, to remember what she was fighting for. Saki, at times knew that the fight was worth it all, but other times she questioned. She wondered why knowone else was being trained as well, why she was different, and bore the weight of this responsibility. Wasn't there someone else? Couldn't she be like all of the other little girls with their quiet demeanor and sensible thinking?
She wanted desperately to fight but was tired of fighting. Tired of feeling like she had to be something that she wasn't. The ninja that she was trained to be, is not the ninja she dreamed to be. All of the battles, all of these years, came down to one final battle.
The battle with herself. All of the external battles lead her to develop the ability to fight the biggest battle of them all.
There is no certainity how the story ends for Saki is well aware of her opponent. She knows all of the inner sabotage, the tactics used to convince and persuade her to fight against the ninja-within her woman she is supposed to be.
In addition, fear keeps here from full-fledge war within her. For if she were to allow the ninja-within her to flow out, there would be more battles. The battles for which she is not prepared, and has no training for. No weapons, nada.
Maybe Saki will move to the suburbs and pop out a couple of kids.
thoughts on change within me(from last month)
I went into this weekend deciding that I was done with the Vineyard if I was irritated at ELI. I love my community in PDX, and with the exception of a few gliches like our church. I was tired of feeling out of place everytime I went to one of these conferences. I was tired of feeling like I was a heathenistic believer people needed to pray for. I was tired of fighting to be me.(The fight was perhaps an internal one for me to fight) It just seemed easier to not be involved anymore and hide in my community and not ever go to one of these things again. This was going to be the final one, no more conferences, no more pastor's conferences, nada.
I think more than being tired of the vineyard I was beginning to be tired with me. I am physically tired. I am emotionally exhausted. I am fried out and feel as if I am going in too many directions. I had no idea what direction I am supposed to be going in. I am currently working on my Sociology degree, planning to go to graduate school. This has lead to much turmoil because all I have ever imagined myself to be is a pastor. The pastor I think God is(might be) birthing in me is not the pastor that I have seen. It is very different than what I originally thought...I am not the person that I thought I was going to be. In all of that I try to grasp the meaning of how I have come to be where I am, and realize that is a waste of time. It is a part of the great mystery, I will never comprehend and it is better to live in wonder than to toil in the fight for understanding.
I am also working full-time, trying to maintain friendships, and build new ones. I love people, it is energizing to be with people, I have also found my much needed away time. I need to go away and be with the Father.
I realized this weekend that I had been holding onto A LOT of bitterness. I was angry with the people that have hurt me, which lead me to be bitter. I became increasingly jaded, cynical, and mean. I was not being the person that God has created me to be. I was not brimming with the love that God has given me. Yet still, even now, I wonder how I can fight through to be the person God has(is) created(ing) me to be, and not be pushed to be something I am not. I have fought for so long to find out who I am(becoming), that it is hard when I have to edit my language, wear "appropriate" clothing, vote for "republican", not drink, and kiss dating good-bye. How do all of these boxes that are set up in our subculture not influence the way that I see myself? How do I not be frustrated when I feel as if to be a "good" Christian I have to ascribe to these and more idealogies, that are not all scripturally based. Oh wait...scripturally based according to that denomination, or that specific sect....right.
I just want to love Jesus the way that I love Jesus. If I walk with Jesus he is going to show me where I am wrong...right? I just want to be in a community that loves Jesus, and loves me as I struggle to find out what that looks like in my life, and what that looks like in OUR lives. I just want that community to not only be in Portland, but also in my friendships that extend out from here. I want to see that in my family, I want to see that in the vineyard. I hate that at time I feel as if I have to protect my friends from fundamentalism, I have to protect them from getting bad theology...or is it theology that I don't agree with!?!?!? I am so messed up...
I love Jesus more today than I did three years ago. My life just is a lot more real in how I do that. I hurt and feel instead of pretending like everything is fine. I share my intimate thoughts with people, not as afraid of rejection. I love until it hurts, l love some more, and I keep loving even though I am bleeding all over the place.
I received prayer for bitterness. I also received the first prophetic word that I have not been pissed off about in two years. The last two years every word that has been spoken over me had been about calling, plowing ahead for future generations, being an advocate for people, pastoring, stepping up to the plate, planting churches....blah blah blah. I was freaking sick of it. I was done. I didn't want to be that Kat anymore. I wanted to be normal Kat.
How does this all come together? I think that all of this is a part of the process.
Embracing the crazy....
Today I have decided to embrace the fact that I might be crazy. Some people think so, I should go with the flow:)
I am SICK and TIRED of swaying back and forth...damn it. damn IT. DAMN IT!!!!
I am sitting here typing what I want to say and the scripture in James came to mind.
James 1:5
If you need wisdom-if you want to know what GOD wants you to do-ask him, and he will gladly tell you. He will not resent your asking. But when you ask him, be sure that you really expect him to answer, for a doubtful mind is as unsettled as a wave of the sea tha is driven and tossed by the wind. People like that should not expect to receive anything from the Lord. They can't make up their minds. They waver back and forth in everything they do.
I am tired of waving back and forth. I am sick of questioning myself in what I am doing. I have a choice though.
Okay so I just found this thing that I wrote during ELI last month. It was the one I thought I lost and posted something different. They tie together.
I just realized that this blog thing is so much cheaper than therapy.
Brief fleeting thought....
I thought today about maybe after my nanny contract is up, going to Africa for a couple of months, come back, start school part-time, and finish being Jake and Lily's nanny until they don't need me anymore.
Just a thought...
I am not liking the idea of them having to find a new nanny when they already have me. Part of me feels blessed to be apart of their lives at this young age, and I wonder if I would be missing out if I left so soon. I think it would be easier to part with them knowing they didn't need me anymore rather than me choosing to leave.
If I were to go to school part time next year I would have free time to volunteer which would be nice, then I could start at PSU f/t in fall 2006, I would have more work to do at PSU, but I will have my volunteer experience on my resume.
I really hate the feeling that I don't have time for people. I knew in the beginning that was going to suck, I just didn't know how much.
I guess it comes down to what I prioritize and I am seeing in hindsight that I care more about people than I do a degree. Although a degree WILL help in the future.
I am sick of constantly thinking about this crap...
Thank God I am going on vacation next week...
Thoughts for the hurting
I want to love people the way that I am supposed to love people. There is a look that I get on my face when I am truly caring about another person, where I have been caught up in their story, and I am overcome with compassion. There is a feeling deep with in my chest that begins to tighten up as I begin to feel the pain of another. I can feel my heart crying for them. The tears that they cannot shed, the tears that they will not shed, I feel the pain of another human being.
I feel the disillusioned as they search for meaning and purpose in nothingness
I feel the lonely, the broken, the searching
I want to help them find their way
I see the oppressed, the victimized, the chained crying out for mercy
I see the masks that people wear trying to hide themselves
I want to embrace them as I pray for freedom
I taste the bitterness of their questions, their cynicism, which is also mine
I taste the goodness of all that He is, so sweet and nourishing
I want them to drink of Life
Jesus I feel overwhelmed when I see so much hurt, so much pain. I want to alleviate some of that for my friends, my family but I know that you are the only one that can heal.
Give me the courage to open my eyes when they are closed, the strength to step out, and the love to pour out on Your beloved children.
Help me to not become so jaded that I forget to love.
Prayer for the disillusioned
I pray a prayer of simplicity for the disillusioned
That your eyes may see his glory
I pray a prayer of light
In the darkness of your soul
That you may shine His goodness
I pray a prayer of peace
For the time has come for you to know it
I pray a prayer of freedom
For the time has come for you to know it
I pray a prayer of love
For the time has come for you to know it
The time has come for you to know it
The time has come for you to feel it
The time has come for you to accept it
Sitting in bed this morning...
for 15 mins after my alarm went off thinking about Jeff again. I remembered this time about a year after he left that I was leading youth group on a sultry summer evening. I had planned alot of outdoor water activities that summer because it was so hot. I was bustling around the room trying to get all the kids organized and ready to go out. Jimmy John entered the room with Jeff. He was in town and dropped by to see JJ who thought I would like to see him as well.
I remember I was furious. One, I was extremely busy with all of these teenagers to be able to really focus on anything else, especially a visitor who Two, was formerly known as the person that I loved with all of my heart and was going to spend the rest of my life with and after a year and a half decided that he was not sure he knew what love was. Hence the surprise visit lead to me feel frazzled as I tried to focus on that evenings agenda.
I am thinking way too much about the past and church. Most of my think time is consumed with the past, church, giftings and how I am to play a part in that. I wish I could stop thinking about it. It is starting to get annoying.
Today was the first morning after months of this that I realized maybe if I reconciled some of these thoughts I would not think about them so much.
Smart thought huh?
A little prayer
I just prayed that God would protect me from my own stupidity.
Loss of Virginity...Twice!
Yes I was devirginized twice this evening!
Last night we hung out at the Horse Brass. I, being the
Horse Brass virgin of the evening, was extremely pleased and throughly captivated by the large beer selection, comfortable ease of the circulatory function of the room, and the overall character of this pub. Horse Brass is supposed to be similar to a traditional English pub, which was telling by the menu selections and smoke that filled the air.
Upon entering Kevin said to me,"Take your last breath of fresh air." He was not being dramatic. If you enjoy the scent of smoke, it is a great place to go. I will say there is nothing like that first breath of fresh air upon leaving, it was a holy time. I felt as if life was entering my body...it was really nice and purifying.
After our delightful evening, Kevin and I went to
VooDoo Doughnuts and had a late night treat. I had a classion old-fashioned, but they had a large variety of sugary treat!
So I am now a Horse Brass and VooDoo Doughnut whore!
Paralysis from Analysis
Tonight I went to Metro Vineyard for church. I did not want to get up this morning for Mosaic and I was at UG most of the day studying, so I needed a change of scenery. In addition, I have not been to Metro in a year or so and I thought it would be fun to give it a shot.
It was small, intimate, and I knew all of the songs that they were singing, which was fantastic. One of the things that I am really digging about Mosaic is that they do familiar music, or at least a few familiar songs so I just am not sitting there. I really like being able to engage in song during worship, it has been nice to know most of the music instead of it changing constantly. I really dislike consistently changing music...it drives me nuts.
I was promptly greeted by Eric and Chase. I talked to Eric awhile about school and what I am doing...which is just shit. I really hate that I feel flaky because I am not wanting to be a "pastor" anymore. I really don't like that I have gone through a "change" in my career decisions. I really hate that I have left everything that was once so dear to me. But a girl has to do what a girl has to do.
Eric taught out of Mark 2, the story of Jesus healing the paralytic man. He said that Chase has a comment that he repeats often which is why the blog is titled,"Paralysis from Analysis". Meaning that we often paralyze ourselves and make no movement because we analyze everything. Sadly, I feel that way at times. During prayer I felt like God was talking to me about the church again. I said again, "Isn't it sad that I don't feel like I can walk in my giftings?" I was grieved again.
I want to be able to lead in a church again, but I don't. Not if it looks like what I tried to be for all of those years. The reality is....I faked it. I did what I was supposed to do, how I was supposed to in what structure was set up for me. Perhaps this was do to the extreme socialization of christian culture that I encountered, maybe it was due to the fact that I was so young that I wasn't encouraged to find my own voice, nor was I pushed into a falsetto voice, it was easier to be rather than to be-come, it was a comfort place. I emulated all that I observed, and because I reflected their leadership style, perhaps that is why I was "called to lead". The leader that I was is not the person that I am today, nor the person that I want to be in the future.
I feel like over the last few years I am finding my voice. I am finding the song that is my song to sing, my dance to dance, my journey to walk. I am blessed for the people that I have with me to listen, to dance, to walk with me, yet I know that will not last. I can feel the seperation happening with some people, that ties will gradually fade and I will move into the distant unknown with new ties, and hopefully with the anchors that have been my stabilizing force during this time.
My friend told me the other day that she doesn't think that I should be at Mosaic because it is allowing me to be in a comfortable place. She thinks that I should not be in leadership at a place like that because I will not be challenged or something like that. I don't agree, I think I am able to seperate all of the weirdo churchy structure stuff with who I am becoming. I don't think it will hinder me. But then again...I never thought I could see myself living in a city and being who I am today...I could possibly revert.
So here is my problem. I love people, I love church, I love caring for people, I hate feeling the pressure of having to do church a certain way in order to be a "church". If I were to plant a church it would not look ANYTHING like the churches that I see today. There is one church that is near and dear to my heart that everytime I think about it I get giddy, everytime I read something from there I feel alive and challenged.
It is in Seattle.
But the reality is...that is what type of church that I want to plant. That is what I have always envisioned a church I were to lead would look like. That is something I feel passion for, that is something that I believe is worth giving my life toward. I wish I could feel that way toward something that was already established.
I have spent the last few years going through some HUGE paradigmatic shifts in regard to the church, ministry, culture, what that looks like for Kate. I feel like now, I can somewhat begin to articulate what that is.
And to be honest...I don't have a fucking clue what that means.
Kat Classic-Fashion Common Sense Girl
Yesterday Trissa and I were at UG talking about a girl a friend of hers is dating that he was attracted to physically(body), sexually, but her face was not pretty. She apparently has bad hair as well. Here is the rest of the conversation:
Kat: So what kind of hair?
Trissa: I don't know...bad hair.
Kat: bad Beaverton hair or bad Ellensburg hair?(for those of you that don't know Ellensburg is a town 30 minutes outside of Yakima...they have a rodeo every year...enough said)
Trissa: What's the difference?
Kat: Beaverton is slightly large style trying to be trendy, Ellensburg is just big yucky hair.
Ladies and Gent...I think up this stuff off the cuff. These are not bit of fashion truth that I have studied or even really know what I am talking about. Some thing are just fashion/beauty common sense(anyone that has classic style has this gift...only a small portion of people have classic style), some are things that I read in magazines, or see on television.
I am in know way a fashion/beauty expert...but I do know a bit more than the average bear. However...if you were to put me in a different area(any trendy fashion spot in the country) I would be considered boring because I am classic(aka simple don't venture outside of my fashion norms).
So when you ask me for clothing advice, I am trying to fit your personality with a good look. Occasionally I will want to make you look cool(cool according to me), but for the most part I want to take your natural clothing tendencies and make you feel alive and comfortable.
Again, I am not an expert, but I really want to make the world a more beautiful place:)
Fashion thought for the day:
Limit your colored accesories to one bold piece. If you are wearing a bright shirt make sure your shirt is not the exact color as the purse.
For example: Last night I was wearing an blue/aqua long sleeve v-neck cotton tee with a black sheer sweater, jeans, jean jacket, black boots and a blue quilted-look purse.
I put the outfit on w/out the sweater and it was too much blue. The focal point of my outfit was to be the purse so I added the black sweater to take color away from the shirt, and to make the purse the center of attention.
I wore simple earrings to again not take away attention from the purse.
Never EVER EVER wear the same color shirt, purse, and accesories...big big no no. You must balance.
Like when I have my hot pink purse, I occasionally wear my hot pink shirt, but I could never wear my hot pink shoes with it....big big NO NO. I have opted to wear the LIGHT pink shirt with the hot pink purse...again....balance balance balance.
This blog is brought to you by to F.C.S. and Glamour.
I'm tired and I am hoping I do not wake up at...
3am again! I have been waking up in this panic for the last week. I am panicked that I am going to miss my alarm. It is awful and I hate it. To top it all of I have been having a series of dreams about Jeff M. that I would rather not have. In addition to that, I have been thinking about him tons because of the dreams. Needless to say, I am not sleeping well...at all.
These dreams have been weird and they all tie together. They all have to do with him having kids and being married. Maybe he is getting married or having kids...that would be weird. Last night was really weird. We were at really nice hotel, he was drunk and being aggressive, and I hid behind Trissa to protect me from him. Weird.
I dreamed of Jeremy again the other day. It was weird to. I am not sure why I am dreaming about both of them...it is odd.
I wish I could dream of someone neat...like...ok so I don't have any brilliant ideas off the cuff...Mark Ruffalo maybe.
Ella Elizabeth Jeanseau
It was a cold, winter day when Ella decided to begin her entry into the world. Her home was filled with soft candlelight, hushed voices, and a whole lot of love. Yes...a whole lot of love.
After six hours of labor, the beautiful 8lb 2oz baby girl made her entrance. Her name meaning complete, completed the Jeanseau home. She is amazing. It was a great experience being in the same house as someones life was beginning. To be there to hold her on her first day...truly a blessing. Today as she was screaming while Julie was busy I was holding her trying to convince her that I was ok and that she really was going to like me someday...there is no convincing a 24 hr old baby...she wanted her Momma.
Here is a picture of the adorable family!
Bible Reading
I skipped church this morning(didn't want to thaw my car), so I sat and read my bible. I am trying to do the Bible in a year with these handy-dandy little sheets that Mosaic is handing out each week. I am a little behind, as I just started today and it is the 16th. I am halfway done with the sheet.
At times I am really good about my bible, at times I suck at it. Everytime I get into it, I really enjoy it. Today I read Matthew 1-10, Acts 1-15. It is good reading. I was reading in Psalms today as well and somethings stood out to me:
Psalm 27:14
Wait patiently for the Lord
Be brave and courageous
Yes, wait patiently for the Lord
Psalm 37:7,
Be still in the presence of the Lord, and wait patiently for him to act.
Psalm 36:5-9
Your unfailing love, O Lord, is as vast as the heavens;
Your faithfulness reaches beyond the clouds
Your righteousness is like the mighty mountains
Your justice like the ocean depths
You care for people and animals alike, O Lord
How precious is your unfailing love
All humanity finds shelter in the shadow of your wings
You feed them from the abundance of your own house
letting them drink from your rivers of delight
For you are the fountain of life, the light by which we see
The first two scriptures I think were specifically for me. The thing that I found beauty in today was the part that says,:
"All humanity finds shelter in the shadow of your wings."
Jesus I know that You are all of these wonderful things. I know that You do have shelter for everyone.
I pray for my family in the world that are not able to see your provision, your care, love, and faithfulness that you would begin to provide for people in tangible ways that they may know your glory.
I pray for those of us that have known your glory that you would teach us how to be beacons of hope to all that do not know your life.
Let us be people that bring your love to all who are hurting. Give us the hearts to love the broken, eyes to see the weary, help us not to become overwhelmed by all of the hurting, but to be overwhelmed with your compassion.
Princess Leadership Thoughts...
Courage is not the absence of fear, but the belief that there is something more important than fear.
I am quoting a line from
Princess Diaries 2. Mia is reminded of the word's of her father to her in a letter before he died. Mia is to be crowned queen, yet she is very far from the traditional queen, very far from the expectations that her people have of her.
There is a scene in the movie that stops me everytime. She is in her carriage riding through Genovia and she sees a couple of boys picking on a small girl. She decides to stop the carriage, engage the orphans, and invite them to join the parade. She gave each of them a tiara or a crown and told them that each of them could be a princess that day. They smiled, walked with her, and felt special. The music soars in the background:
I'll spread my wings and learn how to fly
I'll do what it takes till I touch the sky
I'll make a wish, take a chance and break away
This is how I see myself leading people. Not in a place of being away from people, but in a place with people. To touch the orphans, embrace the lonely, being incarnational. Bring the light of Christ to people. Working in a shelter. Delivering food baskets. Cleaning up trash in the park. I long for the days where I can have the energy and time to do these things.
I am in "the what is yet to come" time...well we all are:) I can sense that God moving all around me and that there are pieces coming together, it is just a matter of being still and patient, waiting on the winds of her spirit to guide me.
Thoughts that lead up to Princess Leader Model
I was listening to a message by my friend Rose today and I thought about all those years ago walking in my ghetto neighborhood, that I knew God was calling me to be apart of, to minister to, and that was a new thought to people in Yakima. To move to the area in which you ministered. I remember sharing this thought with some people, who did not give it a second though. When I moved to PDX, I thought it was a foreign concept to me until I realized that it was something He had been speaking to me. Even before I moved here I knew how to do it. I knew that you needed to be "with" people.
It is funny how all of those years ago he spoke to me these innovative ideas, that were thrown into the trash, because they were different than what was modeled for me, what was "right". Now I see the injustice that I have done unto the dreams that he was planting.
"Never again will I be afraid to step out, to change", she says with a bold, calvier tone hiding her intrepidation. The desire to belong, to be safe, to be "right", has kept her from truly existing, from walking in the, God-within-her confidence that is hers for the taking.
I knew because these are the thoughts of You
These are the thoughts that You gave life to
These are the dreams that were breathed into me
like the quiet lullabies whispered into a baby's ear
Hushed tones as she sang the song that was to come, is to come
Your desires and hopes for me
your voice, a song to dance with
Sometimes I can hear the music faintly
amidst the chaos of the daily
but it is in the silent melodies that You speak
Yeah I am Procrastination Queen right now...
I am supposed to be reading and doing homework. I finished one class and now I am supposed to be working on business. I am blogging instead.
Today I was going to get all of my homework done, but instead I did other things, like my taxes(not getting very much back at all), my financial aid, and did research on schools in the Seattle area. I really want to move to a new place before I settle down somewhere. The adventure of being in a new town again is exciting, and I would like to do it while I am in school so that I will be able to easily set up a social network. I don't think it is going to happen.
Before I started the school hunt I had a couple of things in mind:
1) Do I REALLY want to do what I think I do? Do I even have it clearly defined? I know I want to work with people, helping, teaching people. The best place thus far seems to be in teaching college. I am able to engage with people, teach them about the world, and how they can make a difference. So I took a career plan test online, I am on track.
2) I know I want to study sociology, I know I want to get my master's, but do I want to get my doctorate? A school where I could finish my undergrad, grad and doctoral studies would be nice.
I looked at every major university online in the Seattle area and none of them were a good fit for what I want to do. I could get my sociology degree anywhere, but as far as my master's that is a bit tougher. I felt a bit sad, I would really like to move to a new place, but it just seems easier to stay here. Here's why:
1) All of my credits transfer easily over to either, PSU, OSU, or the U of O. There would not be any sort of problems.
2) I can easily finish up my sociology degree, and move on for my master's.
3) There is a really great program for me to do my undergrad work in community development with a minor in sociology, and move on to get my master's in urban studies/community development and if I want my Ph.D in urban studies. My main reason for wanting to get my sociology stuff done was so that a) I could study people i.e. groups of people, 2) so I could teach people how to be active participants in the world around them to make the world a better, cleaner, nicer place. With the community development degree I can do it all. The best part is, if I am accepted into the urban studies program, I will be in the same school that I would for my grad and doctoral studies. All the same teachers, I will be able to be present in the same place, learn from the same people for 6 years. Not to mention that any field experience I need would be doable in the city. It just seems like the right thing. I was looking at the program and just got excited. The idea of being in a place to learn and experiment, and then be able to take what I have learned and apply it to my community and other communities around the world is exciting to me.
At the end of the whole process I can either teach, work for a non-profit, be a community development consultant, and a list of other things.
We'll see...I feel like I am just supposed to be taking steps and go from there. Who knows? Perhaps I am supposed to get my bachelor's and then work in an AIDS clinic, or work for an awareness campaign.
I have asked Jesus to guide me and I believe that He is...so we will see how this jumbled mess comes to fruition.
The weather people were right!
Can you believe it? The weather people were actually right! As we speak, I am sitting at home, because there is a bunch of ice outside. I am dreaming of warm weather as I coordinate outfits for Hawaii.
I am planning on bringing most of my summer wardrobe, but I am a little stuck on the dress front. I have ruled out the b/w floral print that I wore on my b-day(little too formal for Hawaii) but am trying to decide on my black semi-off the shoulder sheath dress with the v up the middle. I have paired it with my black shawl and the new pink crystal brooch my sister gave me. If I wear this dress I am unable to wear the flat square toe mules, and have to wear the round toe sling back, Bandolinos. I thought about the pink 9W's and thought they were a bit over the top for Hawaii. The major dilemma is whether or not to bring heels. I know, I know...this should not even be a discussion, because the fashionista should never be anywhere without at least one pair of heels...maybe two. I am trying to be low-maintenance, but the idea of wearing flip-flops, Teva's and mules for two weeks is killing me. Not even to go into the fact that I feel frumpy and short if I am not wearing heels. I am trying to find ways to still feel pretty, while not looking pretty. But come on now...we all know that is not possible...that inner beauty crap is so overrated:) Okay so maybe I can bring the black skirt with the diagonal stripes and the mules. Crap. I cannot wear skirts without heels! It is fashionably impossible for the short woman to wear calf-length or shorter skirts and dresses without heels!
It is a bad bad fashion planning day at my house!
It is almost Saturday morning...
I am sitting here preparing for bed and I cannot sleep. It may have something to do with the coffee I had late this evening. I should be doing something productive, like my taxes or my financial aid...but I am not.
I spend a few hours at the Jeanseau abode this evening hanging out with the girls. It was so much fun! I just love the girls to death and cannot wait for Molly to get here. It is so exciting this new little being coming to the world. I am starting to get impatient along with the rest of the family.
Tonight I was a bit emotional as I left thinking of the birth, the "life coming into the world" nuance thinking, paralleling me having my period again. It is funny how your period for so many years is annoying. Now it is sad. There is a part of me at least once during my week that I think about the fact that this is another potential life being pushed out of my body, as nature intends for this time. It is sad the older I get, the more eggs I see wasted every month. Every month I am reminded that I don't even have the potential to TRY to get pregnant, and even if I were to have that potential, it is a possibility that I cannot bear children. Things I do not need to think about right now...same thing I have been saying for the last almost five years, now.
I still find my period annoying, just for different reasons that before.
I know, I know...probably more than you wanted to know:)
Thursday...
Long walks with Jake today...good exercise. We had a good day. I just love him so much. Yeah I am a tad attatched. Screwed when I need to transfer schools...
Looking into grad schools right now. I am still thinking about Seattle grad school. It has been in the back of my mind since...Sept. I think. I will have to go back and read my blogs. Actually it was there from the beginning but then I remembered all of the reasons I love PDX...yep that is the crappy part. I would have to leave here. I think I need to sit down with a counselor and discuss exactly what I want to do and then figure out what it will look like either way...Seattle or PDX. I am pretty sure if I transfer to a SEA school it will push out my graduation date a tad further which would hinder grad school plans. I think it would be fun to live somewhere new though...maybe finish school at UW, do really well and apply to a REALLY good grad schools. My brother was telling me where he applied, Penn State, UCLA, and some other pretty good schools. I guess I should decide exactly what I want to do, because then if I need to get into a good school I am going to need to start doing community volunteer work. My brother has his art that will get him in, I will have my grades and my charismatic personality...yeah right.
I called the church(Mosaic) today because I wanted to try to set up a meeting with a pastor to talk about my church questions. I know that because they are a huge church, they are extremely busy, so I felt bad for even asking. I talked to the youth pastor, who was really great. We were going to set up a time for coffee, but both our schedules are really busy, so we are going to meet up on Sunday. I am still praying about where I am supposed to be, which seems a little silly, because I feel like God said I could go...but there is a choice to be made. I have been praying, reading my bible, and I think bottom line is that I don't want to make a decision because of past hurt and bitterness. I think this week God has really been showing me that people do change, He is in control, and I need to trust him. Yet there are somethings that I see at Mosaic that would be beneficial. I realized over the last couple of weeks that I can identify leadership in people. I saw it in Jimmy John when we worked together, and there was this ability to lead God's people in a way that I admired and inspired me to want to do everything I can to support him and free him up to walk in his gifting. I saw it in Wayne. I saw that in Brian Jeanseau, and still same thing. I see it at Mosaic and it inspires me. I believe in the church again, I see greatness, I see the ability for change, and I feel hopeful about me being able to lead again someday. That has to be a good thing. I can also see why perhaps that might be attractive because that is where I came from the beauty of organized church. I love it. I love everything from the pews, to the bulletin, and the greeters at the door. I love the perfected orchestrated worship, great teachings, being challenged, I love it, love it, love it. It is funny that I find depth in a place where I thought I could never again find it.
Today is Wednesday...
and it was a great day. I wasn't very tired until the end of the work day, and school was pretty easy. I love theories. We talked about the grand, some mini, and emergent theories of human development. I love reading all of it! I don't know why I love them, I just do.
Jake figured out how to get the front door unlocked today. Otto(Cole's dad) about an hour later was putting on safety locks...I love nannying for people that are good parents. Jake highlight today:
He was playing with the rug and I asked him, "Jake what are you doing?" He replied,"Playing". I love that he is starting to be able to talk with me. SO neat.
I also love, love, love that Matt posted his story from today. I would encourage anyone who has read this to post something, comment or whatever. If you have read something you want to share, or have a good story to tell...please share. The more thoughts on the journey the better!
Erin, I found your blog today. When you posted a commment I thought,"Hmm...I wonder if that is the name to a blog..." not knowing you had a blog!
Welcome to the blog world!
I love the blog world...it is so nice to have a place to spew thoughts. What you wrote about your two friends...was I one of those? If I was, I am deeply touched. What you wrote moved me:) I really love you alot...:)
Which has lead me to my next thought...I think that sometime in March(maybe when we have Spring Break...I wonder if they coordinate?) we should have a Cymbrogi reunion...minus two of course. I think we should either meet in Seattle or PDX and just hang out for the weekend. Matt, Trissa, Curtis(I'll at least invite him), you and I, to catch up and have a blast....I'm thinking Cosmo's, Karaoke, hmm...what other things did we do? Oh...maybe I will cook a meal:) Let me know what you guys think and we will go from there! I am pretty sure that Trissa will say,"Hell no" to going to Yaki-Vegas for the reunion...so let's shoot for SEA or PDX. It would be SOSOSOSOSOSOSO fun. It would be nice to be around my "core" group of peeps too!
(posted by matt) Today a 7th grader called me a ...
bitch! For those of you who don't know, I am a substitute teacher (for now, until I get a permanent job). I was subbing in 7th grade today and this kid was being rude, disruptive, and a general pain in the ass so I sent him to the "time out room," where they send kids at this school to discuss what they did wrong, try to make it better, etc. He packed up his crap, crumpled his paper, threw it in my face and called me the aforementioned term meaning female dog. I responded with a friendly "goodbye." He yelled "Fuck you!" and exited the classroom. I took a deep breath, turned to the rest of the class and said something like, "Well… that was fun." A student asked if that had ever happened to me before. I said no.
...But I did get a pen thrown at me once (the only other time I subbed in middle school).
So I'm thinking I probably don't want to teach middle school. I never really wanted to anyway, but little things like this confirm in me that I won't be accepting a middle school position until the Winter Olympics are hosted by Hell.
Today...
I am sitting here listening to my favorite Natalie Merchant song. Kind and Generous...this is a song of thanksgiving...to someone...for me it is Jesus. Everytime I listen to it, my heart swells within.
This morning I saw a really bad accident on the way to work. It was on the other side of the freeway, but a Jeep Cherokee was tossed around like a leaf in the cold winter winds. I was just speechless and started to pray for the people, then I started to think about how that could be me. From time to time I have those thoughts...being on the road so much, it really freaks me out.
My thoughts after seeing this was just stuck on the fragility of human life. We go day in and day out, not thinking about the nearness of death, the fact that we are all going to go someday, all in different ways...all having a life to live while we are here...are we using it for what it is intended or are we wasting it? I don't fear death, I am actually looking forward to it whenever it happens...the dreams I have of heaven are nice. For now I poise the question to whomever is reading...are you living for what you are intended for?
God I thank you for the light of life. I thank you for the light of death. I pray that I will continue to seek your light this day.
Here are the lyrics:
You've been so kind and generous
I don't know how you keep on giving
For your kindness I'm in debt to you
For your selflessness, my admiration
For everything you've done
You know I'm bound, I'm bound to thank you for it
LALALALALALALALALALALA
You've been so kind and generous
I don't know how you keep on giving
For your kindness I'm in debt to you
And I never could have gone this far without you
For everything you've done
You know I'm bound, I'm bound to thank you for it
LALALALALALALALALALALA
I want to thank you for so many gifts you gave with love and tenderness, I want to thank you
I want to thank you for your generousity, the love and the honesty that you gave me
I want to thank you show my gratitude, my love and my respect for you I want to thank you
I want to thank you
Thank you
My beautiful gift...
I had a really hard day today at school. I feel like I am getting increasingly anxious about being gone for two weeks from school. I am trying to shove the next 4 weeks of homework and reading into a two week period...needless to say I am freaking out.
Then I came home to read somemore and received my wonderful belated christmas presents from my family. My sister bought me the most AMAZING brooch. It is just perfect...I LOVE IT. My mom send me a little gift I was supposed to open on Christmas...this wonderful scarf and gloves. They are fantastic and look great with my khaki jacket.
I love you both more than you could know...it was great to open such thoughful gifts on such a hard day.
Kat:)
AUGHGHGHGHGHGHGH
I just spent the last 30 minutes writing, Dan calls, I am opening up a new window, and I accidentally closed the window to what I was writing. I HATE it when that happens.
Andi-
If you read this, I got your message today, I am super busy, lost your email, and I will call you the week I get back from Hawaii, February 11th...unless it is about Mike then I will call back. Same goes to Mom unless there is an emergency. LOVE YOU!!!!!!
I feel like my brain and heart are on overload right now so I am playing the tortiose game. I am shutting off the outside world to focus on the world around me. School is harder this term, church processing crap, people are irritating me(Mcvickers' excluded), Jake is being kind of a PUNK, and I am trying to keep things simple. I am feeling a tad anxious about being gone for two weeks. I should have only gone for a week. I would not have this much anxiety if I were only going to be gone for one week of classes rather than two. It is FREAKIN' me out. I am trying to eat better...got the swimsuit in the mail...love the bottom, hate the top. I need a boob job.
I also need to go to sleep.
Thoughts of a Sinner
I know that God loves me despite my mistakes, through my mistakes, before and after I make my mistakes. I hate people's idea that because I am a Christian that I am not fallen. I hate the ideology that because I am a Christian I have to have everything together or at least everything together according to that person's ideology. I hate that I know people pray for me because I am not "in the right"...again according to what their version of what in the right is.
His grace is sufficient for me. That should be enough. Yes I have made mistakes, yes I continue to make mistakes, yes I am a Christian. Does being a Christian mean that I have to be perfect in man's eyes? I know that there is a scripture about being without fault...I am a person that people could find fault.
But is His grace sufficient for me or only when I am living according to what other Christians say I should?
Today is Thursday....
I am going to be in bed in 5 minutes. Today was my last class of the week. I am tired. All of this use of my brain is sucking the life out of me. I think the next time I have a break instead of watching movies, drinking beer, and sleeping in, I am going to stimulate my mind and not relax at all. I feel like my brain is at half of the normal functioning level, to go from spacing out in front of the tv to college work is not a good transition.
I am really sad today. I think it is because I am tired...also it is PMS central. I am supposed to hang out with people this weekend...I think I only have energy for the Lapsley's. I cannot wait for them to be here...I am soooo excited. Dawson and Kathy are two of the greatest people that I know. I just love them to pieces.
Off to bed...
Oh wait...I read something today that was good...awww crap I don't want to look for it...
Good Night.
Today is the first Sunday of the year...
I spent the day with Trissa today. Here is what we did:
UG for B-fast
Met up with John & Megan @ Mosaic for church
Everyday Music for CD's. I bought Pink Martini and Natalie Merchant's Ophelia.
Met up with John and Megan for lunch...Beauty Line:
"This talk about Jesus is killing my buzz."-Unknown
Watched Closer...which I have mixed feelings about.
Evening church at UC. Kevin gave us some alone time to talk with God about what it is He might be calling us to do. During worship God and I had a "moment". It was really great...I shared a bit with Bryan Beck and he prayed for me which was great. I really love Brian...he has an amazing heart.
Came home and watched Anchorman with McVick's. It was retarded.
Overall it was an enlightening day. I think some things were made clear that were not so clear. It is as if the fog lifted and I can see clearly now...the rain is gone...I can see all obstacles in my way...dadadadalkjthe dark clouds disappear?
It's gonna be a bright, bright sun shiny day.
Tommorow I am going to drop by the church and get info about small groups..
I think I will gush about the church later...
-K
