Whatever happens...happens
Being single is an amazing thing. I love taking time to be alone, to be quiet, having time, space, a place where I could not imagine my life any different or any better than it was in those moments of being alone. It was peaceful, calm, and wonderful.
And then I met Carter.
I feel as if I have a better grasp on what is going on with him now that some time has passed. I really cannot explain the fullness of what is happening but I know that I am deliriously happy. I still do not understand why he came into my life when he did but I know that I feel as if I have been given this gift in him that I want do my best to not screw it up. The thing that is so odd about it is that I do not have any explanation as to what is happening. I feel like I am on this gigantic rollercoaster ride that I never want to end. Actually maybe it is more like the tea cups at Disneyland...just spinning as your hair whips your face, feeling so free, so excited, giddy like a school girl.
I honestly never imagined that I could be this happy with another person. Never. I never imagined that I would want to be in relationship with someone else more than I want to be alone. It is so foreign to me, but it has the comfort of a new pair of jeans that actually fits perfectly. Everyone knows how hard it is to find the perfect pair of jeans. You know with that feels like you have worn them for a couple of years. No discomfort, just the right fit. You try on so many pairs of jeans in your lifetime, the idea that you actually found a pair that fits is so mind-boggling. That is how I feel about my new boyfriend Carter. He fits. There is no logic or reason to why he fits when he does, or if he will continue to fit, but like the jeans...he fits for right now.
Whether or not he is the durable pair of jeans that you own for a lifetime, or just a pair to enjoy for this season, I want to enjoy this gift as much as I can in this season, in this place, in this time.
And whatever happens....happens.
Marriage...or not
Just got home and read an email that an "old friend"(aka someone I do not like very well) is getting married. I am trying to be happy since everything that is bridal is usually a good thing...but in this case I don't think so.
I have been processing through this idea of relationships for the last few weeks, upon the untimely entrance of Carter into my life. To be honest, I have been trying figure out what God is up to, since I JUST became quite content with being single and was extremely happy. I have come to a few conclusions:
1) I think God might be trying to show me that the whole marriage thing could be great...if all of the pieces fit.
2) I think that at time we try to make all of the little pieces fit, even if they don't, and in relationships...that is not such a good thing. Negotiables/Non-negotiables are things that are good to have established.
3) If you do not have all of the connections that are necessary with a person...don't commit until they are there or if they just aren't there then don't be with that person.
Life is at times short, but can be extremely drawn out and difficult if you are not with someone who fits everything that you need. There are times, when you are in your mid to late twenties where you just want to be married and begin your life with someone. I would rather take the time to make sure that I am committing myself to someone that is everything that I want, so that I do not second guess my decision three years down the line. This decisions is forever.
My dear single friends, wait until you find the perfect person. Not just some of the qualities, but all of the qualities that you want. Now that is not to say that you can give up the idea that your man should love to shop...cause c'mon now..that is just unrealistic. Wait until you find the person that you know has what you need to walk with you throughout the rest of your lives.
I would rather be single than be marrying someone that did not fit me perfectly.
Centering Night
Curtis left this afternoon and I felt completely exhausted. This weekend was so busy that I didn't have time to collect my thoughts. Monday, Curt and I hung out all day until I went to class. After class we went to look at cars then got Super Size Me from Blockbuster and ice cream(it was light).
Today he slept in while I got ready and started my newest project. I decided that I am going to make art to put on the walls of the new house. Good times. The picture below is apart of a quasi-collage that will go in my room. I am going to do three different installments all centering around vision/passions God has given me. They are going to be the same colors as my bed pillows. I know I have issues with things needing to match.
Tonight I rented the Ice Cube movie, "Are we there yet?" Yes I know. It is random. But I loved the Friday movies, so I had to watch it. I light the candles at the alter and had some God-time. I have needed to talk aside time for journaling and processing all weekend and have just been too busy. I realized that I have been a little irritated with God, or maybe irritated with the fact that things seem a little crazy. I JUST became super content with being single. I was for the first time in my life, excited at the idea of planting a church single. Then this boy comes along. Who fits almost everything on my list of wants in a guy and I get confused. I want to stick hold of my place of contentedness(is that a word?), but feel really conflicted.
Then Curtis, my friend who is great, comes into town and I feel like it would be neat to have a friend on this journey. It would be great to have someone who cared for me, who loved me. Who encouraged me spiritually. Might not be so bad.
So all of these thoughts flow out, all of these opinions and I am left feeling exhausted, confused and tired. Yet I know that God will work everything out according to his pleasing and perfect will. I believe that with everything in me.
It centers me.
Sacred Space
New Collage
So much to write...
Curtis has been here since yesterday evening. I feel like I have been at summer camp, as we are having great conversations about God, scripture, and boy stuff. Good times. He is such a great friend and listens to me. It is just great.
Saturday, Jake's party, and dinner with the friends. Had an amazing time with everyone. It was the best time I have had in a long time. Loved seeing Bryan and Lisa, loved Karen. We are going to have to have a "quasi-couple" night. Loved loved her shoes. She was kind and we connected. Went to a kegger. Loved Dann and his wife....freaking most hilarious guy ever. Good beer. Good talk with Carter about stuff after party. Felt so natural to talk about things. He is kind.
Yesterday, Carter, Curtis and I had dinner with Brian Julie and Baby Ella. Carter was going through Round Three with the friends. We are still in the test drive phase. Check engine light is blinking, but like with real cars, you don't notice it after awhile. Curtis would say that "it is very important to take car of your car, you want to be a good steward of what God has given you." Actually we were taking about my literal car and the fact that I am due to take it in for an oil change.
Had lunch with Bryan C. today to talk about church stuff. It was good to feel as if someone was understanding me.
Must sleep now.
Thoughts on the Emerging Church stuff
My friend Aaron asked me to comment on the emerging church stuff on Live Journal. I ended up writing way more than was approapriate for a comment, so now his LJ users are being directed here to read if they want. The question posed was in regard to thoughts on the EC. I am responding to a comment that was made by a guy in regard to the EC.
Happy reading!
I have alot of thoughts in regard to emerging church...mainly due to the fact that I have spent the better part of my 20's seeping myself in the study of POMO, the church, and trying to swim my way back to the surface in this ocean of emergent church stuff.
The conclusions that I have come to about emerging church movement are seeped in cynicism and come from a jaded post-everything, young woman. Am I post-modern? Uhhh...Post-evangelical? Post-fundamentalist? Maybe. Am I emergent? Am I incarnational? Missional? Am I a host of other labels that people create in order to define things that at times are undefinable. God is not definable...let's not try to systematize everything so that our finite minds can try to grasp it...cause we won't.
The comment that guy made, something about it's more about the culture of the people shaping the church, rather than letting the church shape the culture scares me that is what someone would say marks the emergent church movement. I think that the people(body of Christ) has the ability to shape our culture. I think that often the culture of the people shapes the church...I'll be frank...the culture of America is pretty fawked up. I think that the two(culture and church) work together simultaneously. It is not an either or thing. I think that it is important to speak the language, being a person in which communicates the love and compassion of Jesus, but I think that it can both working together, culture and church that shapes things. I think that both are so intertwined....culture(i.e. who we are, what makes us a people, what has a hand in shaping "us") and the church(body of Christ, people who are being knit together as a family unit, to be the hands, feet to bring the light of Christ into our despairing world.) You can not separate them, but I don't think that the emergent church movement is marked by allowing culture to shape the church. I think that is WRONG.
My perception of the emergent church movement is that it is a people wanting to express God, experience God, and enjoy God in the way in which He has knit them to be. Often, it is hard to come into one's self, one's person, one's identity in Christ. It brings about an even greater challenge when the person God is creating in you is very different from the people that make up the majority of the church. A majority of the church is not functioning as a church. There are millions of people who claim to be "in Christ" or "in attendance" or "in relationship" but their lifestyles do not reflect these claims. This may only be my view, but if each person were truly functioning in the roles that God has called them to I think we would have a lot less materialism, consumerism, fundamentalism and all of the other ism's that direct christian culture's course. Call me crazy, but personally God has not called me to be a Bush-voting, right-wing fundamentalist who listens to only the top 40 christian music and reads "The Purpose Driven Life" while I drink my $6 dollar Venti mochas while my neighbors are hungry.
Back to my original thought...the emergents are people who want to figure out who God has called them to be, and have the freedom to do what God has called them to do, even if it means going against the fundamentalist grain. Even if it means having a few more Jello-shots than necessary. Emergents want to express, experience and enjoy all that God has for them, all that God wants to do with them. Period. Who cares about what is shaping culture or the church...it is about being the expression of Christ to the world. It is about experiencing the depths of the beauty of God wherever that may be found. Best of all to cherish and enjoy each precious moment that we have to be in relationship with the Maker of the Heavens and the earth, and with all of creation to sing, to shout, to drink, to laugh, to paint, to be.
This is what emergent church is to me.
Busy oh busy weekend!
Last night went to Imago party. I had an amazing time! I love meeting new people and it was so nice to be around a group of Jesus-y people. After three weeks away from larger Jesus-y groups I realize that I need it. I am planning on checking out their HC when I get out of school.
After party, thought I was tired, I was still energetic, so called Eric and Carter we decided to hang out at Kennedy School. We had a great Riesling from Edgefield, and drank it by the fire. Eric being the dumbass that he is, thought it would be funny to throw the glass into the fire. He chickened out at the last minute. I love boys. They always do silly crazy things. I think I was a boy in a former life. So funny.
This morning had coffee with Julia(woman that I love). She is so amazing. How she does it all I will never know. Good to chat about her and get boy advice. Looking forward to sushi night next week at her house.
Jake's Birthday party is this afternoon. I cannot believe he is going to be two!
Tonight it is Round Two,"Carter meeting the friends." We will be having dinner with Bryan(man after my own heart) and Lisa(my fashion guru), whom I love them both dearly. Eric is bringing the girl he is currently "test driving" so it should be good times.
Tommorow..Round Three with the friends and Curtis is here!
Oh busy weekend! Oh yeah..I have to write a paper for my Ethics class.
Good times!
The Church of Soren Kierkegaard and Oregon Symphony
I have not been to Mergy-Church in two weeks. I told a "Speaker-of-Truth" in my life this week that I have not been attending, and she said that is a good thing. She said that I have needed a break from church for awhile and that we as humans sometimes try to compartmentalize time and that God does not view time the way that we do. What to me seems like a long time, to God may not seem very long. It was good for me to try and grasp the idea that maybe I might be away from a church for longer.
I am going with the "doing what is on my plate" model of ministry right now. I cannot do anymore than I am doing and the stress of Mergy-Church is just too much. I cannot handle anymore transitions...I have enough for right now. I have been thinking about taking this time to look at other churches...don't have the energy for that either. So this morning I read through Objective and Subjective Reflection from Kierkegaard's Concluding Unscientific Postcript. Nice relaxing read for a Sunday morning.
Tonight I am going to the Symphony with Trissa. We are going to see the pianist, Peter Donahue. Supposed to be good. It will be better than church. Oh wait. It could be church. Hmm...not a bad sounding church to me...symphony and possible cocktails after. That is "good church" my friends.
I had a God moment this Friday in the car. I was listening to U2, and Where the Streets have no name came on. I love this song, for some reason whenever I listen to this song I feel like I engage with God in a deep way. It is very centering to me. I was thinking through some stuff and I needed to write it down, so as I am driving on the 26, I am trying to write down my thoughts. I know...not bright but a girl has to do what a girl has to do.
Here is what I wrote:
I need to be around people that are not scared to hear what I have to say cause I am scared of my thoughts, my dreams, my questions. I don't want to be theologically spanked like I have been. I want someone to walk with me as I try to figure it out. I want to be encouraged to dream by people who aren't afraid to be a little irreverant for the sake of the Gospel. Because I think it is important to challenge our religiousity, our safe places. Because in those messy places, those confusing, heart-wrenching areas that is where we find the depths, the beauty. I want people to recognize what God is doing in me. Not according to what "they" think it is. To fit into their comfortable ideas of accountability, structure, and CP ideology, but to be honest with what God is birthing. To allow it to birth the way that it is supposed to. To be honest, I think I will know in my spirit when it is safe and I want people to trust me to be able to hear God. I know that might never happen. I feel protective of what God is doing, the baby in my belly, cause I don't want to watch it miscarry again. And I don't want to abort it again. I want to carry it to term. I want her to be healthy, safe, and warm.
For me right now I feel as if I am learning more, growing more being away from the church than I am being an "active member of a missional community." I just cannot do it right now. I have to go with my gut, I have to go with what God is saying to me, even if people don't think it is right. I have to do it cause His voice is more important to me than anyone else. Period.
I know that community is important and I value community to the highest extent. I just know that my ideas of community are a bit different than some.
Tainted Romance...or something like that
Why is it that boys are retarded? Is it the testosterone that makes them dumb? Do they not hear you? Do they just not hear you? Do they just not get it? I, imagine some do cause I have male friends whom I love.
This whole men not listening thing is becoming a theme in my life.
The last blog that I posted referenced to the kind suggestion that Carter made to volunteer together. Great. Nice. I set some boundaries in regard to where I am at with this whole "dating" thing. I made it very clear that I do not have the time to invest in a relationship. I made it clear that I have a plan and a direction in which my life is going and I need to focus. I told him I could not commit to spending a ton of time with him, because other things are a priority right now. I am not in a place where I rush into any sort of a relationship or into spending alot of time with someone. I had a plan of what my summer was going to look like. I wanted things to just develop naturally. I didn't want to force anything, cause if I wanted to spend more time with him, I think I would find a way to do that. I am not in that place right now. I need time. I need space. I communicated all of this. He called me or text messaged me to the point where I felt really overwhelmed. I realized over and over this week how much space I need, how much "Kat" time I need. I realized how much I love to be single. How content I am with where my life is. Probably not the best thing to discover when you just met a great guy.
After our conversation on Wednesday night, I made it very clear what my boundaries were. I told him that I did not want him to kiss me until I was sure I wanted to be in a dating relationship/exclusive with him. I CLEARLY communicated in the past that I have allowed the physical aspect of the relationship get out of hand, and that I want to take time and get to know him before we went there. Perhaps this was too much to share on my part but I thought it was good to explain the reasoning behind my decision. CLEAR...crystal clear.
He showed up at my house at 6:40 on Thursday morning and TM me to "Come outside." I had just gotten out of the shower, had no make-up on, and was running late. I replied, "No" and then called him to find out if he was really outside. He was. I told him I would be out soon. I went outside to find him standing beside my car holding a bouquet of white roses(my favorite). I freaked out. I thought it was really sweet, but I felt really overwhelmed.
Are you catching the I have been really overwhelmed theme?!?!?!?!
I said something stupid and took the flowers, said thanks and he kissed me. Now I did not want him to kiss me. At all. I was too OVERWHELMED and felt like I was trying to get ahold of myself. He was done with his little "kissing show' and walked to his car and I said something like,"You need to find better things to do with yourself in the morning." Something stupid. He text message me when I got into the car, "Don't be afraid."
Let me tell you I am freaked. Not because he is a kind guy, or because something great might happen. No no no...because my boundaries were crossed and I felt invaded. Because I am in desperate need of space and I feel like Captain Commando Romance has an agenda that I do not want to follow. I am not the girl who is wooed by all of this nice shit. I want someone who is ok with moving SLOWLY. Isn't slow good? Isn't careful good?
This is the hard part for me. He is nice. I have fun with him. He is great, but I am happier alone. Everything in me is saying, "He is not it." I thought maybe it was me pushing him away, but I think it is something else. I have a hard time going with that because I do not have a "reason". I hate my need for reason and logic. It makes me pissy.
The thing is I am already passionate about Someone else. It consumes every part of me. He consumes every part of me. The only time I feel alone is when I have to go to a wedding or some sort of couple event, other than that I am content. Not just fine....content.
I keep thinking about I Corinthians 7, and I think about how I love being single. I think about how I was not always like this. There was a season where all I could do was think about being married and a mom.
People used to tell me, "Well God knows the desires of your heart." That Proverbs that says, "Delight in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart." I know that means that when we submit ourselves to God that our hearts desires become what is after His heart.
It just amazes me how much my heart has changed. Not that I am against marriage someday, cause I'm not. I guess part of me already feels married. I don't think that makes sense, but that is how I feel. It is like nothing can get in the way of that most intimate place in me that I have given to Him. I feel as if He is asking me to protect that place in me.
Maybe there will be a day where he asks me to share that place with someone else, but it is not now. It is weird...I have always been more passionate about being a mom than I have about being married.
Something to continue to think about...
Can you believe this?
I am on the phone with Carter tonight and I was pretty sure I should give him the ax. I need to focus on things, need to have a clear mind, and not be all girly and stuff. I decided that there were alot of things that I wanted to do this summer, that I would not have the time to spend investing in a dating relationship. I decided that I needed to stick to the no-dating plan. I needed to focus on God, school, work, and relationships.
Carter asked if we could volunteer together. Together. Like we would do it together. We would volunteer together. What a concept. Working together. Didn't even enter my mind that he would want to come along. Just assumed I would do it alone. I hate being alone(in volunteer situations) so the idea of working alongside someone is somewhat appealing.
Just thought I would share...
He really is turning out to be pretty great.
So not the plan
I have been trying to write an analysis on Allan Bloom's,"The Closing of the American Mind and what my views are in regard to ethical relativism and I cannot focus.
Carter and I went out again last weekend with some of the friends and had an "interesting" time. The friends that we went out with were a couple that decided to break up that weekend. Needless to say, it was weird, but he was great about it. Thus far, he has been great. He is fun, interesting, kind, and it feels so natural to be with him.
In all dating situations, I am highly skeptical and very analytical. I am VERY particular, as you should be since this is a person you may invite to be apart of your life for a season or forever. I am having a great time getting to know him and feel as if I am being completely wooed. Completely. He is really sweet. He says such thoughtful things. Right now...I think he is amazing. We have only known each other a little over a week and I am VERY overwhelmed because this did not fit into my plan. At all. Like could not be further from it.
I was just beginning to be content with the idea of being single for a long time(at least until grad school). Now I am contemplating whether or not the idea of being in a relationship is a good idea. I am busy. I do not want to quit school. I don't know what I am supposed to do. I am afraid that if I don't give it a chance though I might miss out on something really good. But I feel like I cannot focus on the things I am supposed to be doing.
Like the paper that I have avoided while writing this blog.
Beauty in the Burbs
So if you have not heard the news....I am moving to the Burbs. I am leaving my wonderful home with the McVickers in NE PDX to move into a new townhouse in the suburbs. It will be ready the first of August. It will be clean. Neat. There is a pool, hot tub, workout facility, and a sweet cabana area equipped with a full-kitchen and a big screen t.v.
No I have not sold my soul to the devil. At least I don’t think so.
Most of you know how anti-suburbs I am. I have hated the idea of the burbs for the longest time. The last year working out there, this year going to school out there, has been a huge pain in the toosh with all of the commuting. Since September, I have been home hardly at all, basically to sleep. It has become increasingly difficult for me to separate both worlds, between work/school and my love for the city. The burbs have won this one for a season. I am trying to keep myself sane at the thought of living in the burbs with the following mantras:
1) It is like you are going away to college, it won’t be forever(repeat 5x a day and drink a glass of wine)
2) You are going to learn about another culture(repeat 10x a week with a bottle of wine)
3) Jesus loves the Gold Mercedes SUV drivers with the matching Jesus-fish on the back, with poorly highlight hair and faux-nails and the “I wish I were shopping at Nordstrom” license plate cover.(repeat hourly while downing shots of tequila)
This will be a good experience for me despite the fact that knowone is going to be visiting once I move away from the “real world.”
The last couple of weeks I have been processing through what it means to be leaving somewhere that I love so dear, but know that an excitement stirs in me thinking about all that is new to come. I am excited about living in the suburbs. I know I sound crazy, but I am excited about what it looks like. I think that my perceptions of the burbs will be challenged and that I will be able to find the beauty in the places that I would least expect it. For some beauty lies within large buildings, for some it is in the strip malls...I will be searching for the Light in a dark, dark place!
I am excited about living where I spend a majority of my time. I am excited about being able to go to the same coffee place that I go to during the week. I am excited about running into people that I meet while out with the kids and being able to be kind to people. I am REALLY excited that I will be able to sleep in a bit longer than usual.
Rant about Christianity and Exclusivism Presentation
I woke up last Sunday thinking about this guy in my philosophy of religion class. This guy did pastoral studies at Multnomah which counts as a strike one. I don’t generally like people from MBC. There are only TWO people that I like and am friends with, David and Bryan. Everyone else has been either marriage obsessed or an asshole. Last week, this guy gave a presentation on Christianity and Exclusivism. His main thesis was quite ambigious, but what I got out of it was that in order to have relationship with God, or Jesus you could not be pluralist. Jesus is the way, the truth, and the life. The only way to get to heaven is through relationship with Jesus Christ. It was kinda cute in a “oh your kind of pathetic way” when he stood up there and sited scripture as to why Jesus is the only way. As if it would have ANY relevance to his audience...come on!
I AGREE with all of these fundamental beliefs of the Christian faith. Yeah I get it! Yes, I have had it drilled into my fawking head for years now. What I don’t get is the attitudes and marginalization that follows these core beliefs. What I don’t get is not looking at the life of Jesus, scripture, relationally and holistically. Jesus(at least the Jesus that I perceive in the bible and that I commune with) is about relationship. RELATIONship. RELATIONSHIP. His exclusivist propaganda screamed,”Here let me make you neat and clean and how I think you should be.”
I posed the following question to him, not because I think that it is true, but because these are the things that I think about, these are the things that I ponder, and that morning for an hour I prayed about it. The question was this:
“What if, the Muslims, Buddhists, whomever else prays to these different Gods, what if they are communicating with Jesus and do not know that it is Jesus? What if these people are in relationship with the Triune God, but do not know it because they might not know what they call Allah is actually the Christian God?” Like their are so many different attributes of God that we will never be able to grasp, what if they are just worshipping a portion of that? What if all of the polytheistic religions are actually just worshipping aspects of the Whole God? The same God that I worship?
Am I making ANY sense?
Later a girl who knows that I am a Jesus-girl, asked him: “How can all of you Christians have so many different thoughts and opinions?” I began to say,”Well we all believe the same core things....” When he said:
“Well the bible also talks about a deceiver and there are those that fall away from the truth and are being deceived.”
Yeah he was looking right at me when he said it.
Gotta love that crap! I would much rather be thought “deceived” by a Baptist Multnomah graduate than to be disconnected from the person that I am. I have spent WAY too many years trying to meet up to all of the expectations that I believed were important and now only see I was missing the point.
I am more concerned about being right with who God has knit me into than who other christians think I should be. I hate christian culture. I hate it more than anything. Cause it was SO not what Jesus was about.
Jesus was so not into people being excluded from the party. Even though the way this boy may perceive me and the “world” to be, is highly annoying I am called to love him. With the love that encompasses all people, not just the ones that I like. I guess it is just easier at times for me to love messy people than people that are messy and try to hide it with exclusive teachings of who the Son of God is and what he is about.
But I still want to learn to love them...maybe that is why I am going to be living in the suburbs. To learn how to love the people that I dislike.
Lessons on Church for Kat #2-Shifting from what I thought I should be to who I am
I have for the last month said to myself, “It is not time to plant a church. It is not time for me to be pastor.” The reality is as I said this...I am thinking of the pictures that pop up when I think of those two words. I am thinking it is not time to plant a traditional vineyard church, with format, go through the church planting process and be “sent” and all of that shit. Maybe someday it will be...maybe it will never be.
When I get a picture of a pastor I think of Wayne. I picture my handsome, Jesus-y friend Wayne. He is the best pastor I have ever known, but it is not the pastor that I am called to be. The pastor that I am called to be is like the pastor I learned the most from, Rebecca McVicker. The momma-pastor who loves her children so tenderly, so lovingly, and gives everything she has to her children. I have watched her in sheer exhaustion and frustration give selflessly to her children. Nurturing them into their giftings, finding ways to make them feel special, and always having time to patiently listen. This is the kind of pastor I long to be. For years this picture of a Wayne-esque pastor has haunted me, this picture of this good-looking charismatic boy, who was able to sit at many tables because he was a boy, because he was a strong leader, because he could captivate an audience. This is the pastor that I thought I was supposed to be. This is the example that I had to follow, because there were no women pastors. To be honest, the only women pastors I knew were either children's pastors(which is so not my calling) or they were bitchy and distant. It was only a few years ago when I met Rose and Rachelle and began to feel hope that there were actually good women leaders out there who were not afraid to take charge, who loved, and were intelligent. Not just spewing out christian propaganda of "female appropriateness" whatever the hell that is.
It is just over the last few years that I have embrace the fact that I am a girl. I am not going to lead like a man. I am not the most captivating or beautiful, but I love to be with people who are figuring out their lives. I am not invited to sit at many tables, because for whatever reason my voice does not matter. I am not a strong diplomatic leader. I am a lover-of-people, wherever they are at. I will not captivate an audience or a crowd, but I will influence those whom I am close to. I suck at teaching a message, but I am good at preaching without being preachy. Over coffee, in the dark corners of a pub, in a car ride to a bar this is where I preach. My friends, classmates, random people I meet. These are the people I care for.
This is the pastor I am. And I am fawking tired of fighting it. I am tired of trying to fit into these boxes that I think I need to be in or that other people try to put me in. These things were in me all along and I have fought it because it is different than everything that is around me. The only reason that I am tenatively coming out of my shell is because I am able to see glimmers of hope shining from the emerging church stuff. When I worked with youth...all I wanted to do was be with kids. I HATED building up this “program” and youth events. It was not me. I was the best at one-on-one time with kids, listening to them, and partnering with what God was already doing in them. Not about the program, but the people. This is what a pastor is to me. Sure I can plan and organize, but why? I think the church needs to become a part of someone, not just meetings for someone to attend with great music and doughnuts. It is something that encompasses everything, not just a once a week event. It becomes a part of your entire life. It is in the meetings in the living room, it is in the keg-parties, it is in the drag-queen invested clubs. It is being the presence of Light in dark places. It is being Jesus with skin on...lovingly the unlovely, kissing the tops of babies heads, embracing those with no hope.
Now with this definition of a leader and a church...this is something that I can get behind.
Lessons on Church for Kat #1-Shifts in Style and Structure from Traditional Vineyard
I don’t even really know how to describe what is going on with me in regard to this thing called Vineyard. I think it has been a frustration of mine for a while and I just have not been able to articulate it. There are also so many layers. So I will try to be as organized as possible.
I want to see what else there is outside of this thing called Vineyard. I am bored of all of the same scriptures that make up Vineyard theology, all of the same thoughts, I feel like I need something new. I don’t have the energy to jump through hoops. I am sick of feeling like I need to “be” a certain way to plant a church. That I am “too emotional” or need to have a “church plan” to plant a church...or whatever it may be. The church that I dream about planting does not require me to have a staff of 15-20 people and a hierarchical system. Leadership team? What is that? Is that encouraging others to walk in their giftings? What is leadership?I think leadership is influencing people. I led women’s ministry for a while and it sucked. Wanna know why? Cause I was not walking freely in my giftings the way I was created to do so. I am tired of all of the same answers. What about people getting together in a room being friends and encouraging each other toward Christ. How non-emotional do you need to be to hang out with your friends? Why can this not be church? Why does it need to grow and get bigger? Why does it need to become an establishment?
This is who I am. This morning I had church with my friend Kelly. Did we plan it? Did we say that we were going to have 30 minutes of music, 5 for announcements, and 35 for a message? No. I went over to her house and we talked about her journey and what God is doing in her. She played for me the beautiful new song that she is writing that had more depth and life to it than any “Jesus Lead On” track could ever capture. She made me a CD of all of her God music. The Top 40 Christian worship songs? No. Her “secular”(I hate that word) music that she found depth about God and Jesus in. It is a great CD. Her room was decorated with all of the things that she loved, she cherished, and God was there. We went to Cafe Destino for coffee and then went to the Flower Circles in Ladd’s Addition, and talked about life, God, and random things. We ran into her friend Sarah at the exact time we were talking about Sarah and how everyone in our life might be there for a reason. It was as if time stopped as we stood embracing the Mystery in the slow movements of the gentle breeze. The sun seemed to shine a bit brighter. The sky a bit bluer. I could feel His presence lingering as we spoke.This is church to me folks. As scary, different, and non-structured as it seems...this is my dream. This is the beginning of the plant. Do you know how miraculous it is to see God communicate with people? People that did not communicate with him and now do? I am awed by the grace that we are given to be able to behold such beauty! Do you see how tender and precious each of these moments are? This is church to me. That is why I have a hard time thinking Vineyard is my home. This is not a norm in the Vineyard. I don’t have the energy to build up the machine, when things are being produced around me and all I have to do is love and speak truth.
One thing that is taught in the Vineyard is that we value diversity in the church, that all the churches are free to walk in own style and structure. Why is it that everyone is beginning to look the same to me?
Gay Boyfriend would come in handy
There is a time in the single girl's life when she is unable to successfully execute her daily activities. For instance, when preparing for a first date, one would like a brutally honest opinion about how one's ass looks in the chosen jeans of the evening. Should the hair be worn up or down? Flats or heels? The gay boyfriend always comes in handy or at least has a drink in handy. The GB also comes to the rescue when he is the date to the wedding yet another girl who has taken the plunge, or in the rare instances you find a GB who would be willing to play straight long enough to flirt with you to avoid the scary looking guy at the bar who has been staring at you all evening.
These are a few of the reasons I need a Gay Boyfriend. For the fashion advice, the updates on Desperate Housewives, and the oh so fabulous snuggles that are provided after a hard day and you know he will not be getting inappropriate touchy with you.
This weekend I could have used a GB after my dates with Carter. I went out with this amazing guy twice this weekend and I do believe it would have been nice to have someone to gush with besides the "girls". He is a really kind, sensitive guy and it felt really comfortable and natural to be with him. We'll see what happens. He is hanging out with the friends this weekend. This should be an interesting thing.
I also had this really intense moment with someone else that is really great. My friend and I had a conversation and he umm..maybe that is too much to say. He has feelings for me and realized it when I went out and had a great time with Carter. I hope that everything will work out the way that it is supposed to and that our friendship will continue to flourish.
The life of the single girl is not an easy task.
The life of the single girl who wants to listen to God is not an easy task.
The life of a single girl who wants to plant a church, care for the world, finish college, get married, be a momma, and do so in an orderly neat fashion is the life of a girl who is in desperate need of a Cosmopolitan.
It is so hard being who I am. I, imagine a GB would come in handy during these moments.
