One year Blog Anniversary
Two days ago it was my one year blog anniversary. Upon reflection I see how much this blog has been used for so many frustrations, so many hurts, that I fail to see the good in this. Perhaps the good is that I was able to save money in therapy.
As I read over this last year I see how much I have changed. I can see the nudges toward certain endeavors, and all of the spinning as I do not understand what this journey is for. Until recently I thought the journey was about alot of other things but it all comes down to one: Love.
I was mulling over 1 Corinithians trying to figure some stuff out and I was just struck by it again.
I Corin. 13:4
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.
I see over the last year I have in my own self tried to love. I have performed in such a way that I worked toward something, I did something in order to have the act be love. The gestures, the acts, the services are not love. I wish I could say it was the motive of the gestures...but it wasn't.
Love is hard. Life is hard. Giving of one's self is hard. I harbor these utopian dreams of serving, loving the unlovely, caring for people, yet in my own sphere of influence I lack. Because I am selfish. I see all that I am and all I aspire to be and I fall so short.
Yet I know that Love is the reason that I exist. It is the reason that there is anything good. It is so hard to tap into this extravagant love when you are pissy about being hurt.
This blogging thing recently has become a painful thing for me. It is something that I love dearly...but I think it is best if I not post for awhile. I am processing through alot of painful stuff...I think I want to hide away and not let anyone else see my pain. I think it is time to be a hermit. I have lost too much this year to continue to give myself away in such a public manner.
I will be taking a blogging hiatus and I am not sure when or if I will be back.
thank you for taking time to read and share my life this past year.
Thank you lyrics
Woke up this morning thinking of this song in a warm house that reaks of cats. Thank God Eric is coming back early and I don't have to sleep on his uncomfortable couch anymore. I woke up with a sore neck.
Anyways...read Erin's blog and thought it was funny we were thinking of Dido the same day. So glad she is going to come next week to spend time with me. It is nice to be with someone even when you feel like your heart is being ripped out and a hundred tiny little men are jumping on it and laughing at you for how stupid you are. Self-inflicted wounds bring out the inner cynic in all of us. Maybe tommorow I will try to think something nice about myself...no. I am having way too much pain to even see light right now. I guess I can hold on to the knowledge that God loves me even when I make mistakes. Even when I cannot see what is happening in a situation...that should keep me grounded.
This song used to be so nice and now it is so fawking depressing:
My tea's gone cold, I'm wondering why
I got out of bed at all
The morning rain clouds up my window
and I can't see at all
And even if I could it'd all be grey,
but your picture on my wall
It reminds me that it's not so bad,
it's not so bad
I drank too much last night, got bills to pay,
my head just feels in pain
I missed the bus and there'll be hell today,
I'm late for work again
And even if I'm there, they'll all imply
that I might not last the day
And then you call me and it's not so bad,
it's not so bad and
I want to thank you
for giving me the best day of my life
Oh just to be with you
is having the best day of my life
Push the door, I'm home at last
and I'm soaking through and through
Then you hand me a towel
and all I see is you
And even if my house falls down,
I wouldn't have a clue
Because you're near me and
I want to thank you
for giving me the best day of my life
Oh just to be with you
is having the best day of my life
Depression 101
I get what it means when people talk about not being able to sleep, eat, or function like a normal person.
Having your heart feel as if it being ripped out of your chest is good for the ass. Some people eat Ben and Jerry's. Not me. I just feel numb.
I sat in front of the T.V. tonight after crying and falling asleep for three hours. I was not really watching it...it was just on.
I can either sit at the computer or try to sleep but only wake up several times throughout the night like I have for the last two nights.
Moving will be a good distraction next week. Biz and I have to go to Home Depot to look at blinds and paint. I thought the kids were a good distraction at work. They are except for the times that I remember the thought I had a couple of weeks ago about how the baby's eyes change color like Carter's eyes. It made me wish our kids would have his eyes and how adorable that would be. A thought that used to bring so much joy is now so painful.
Today I would like my room to be a dark color that would make me want to sleep all day. I am so glad I have next week off to be depressed and watch T.V.
Oh and I will have my keyboard so I can play...that should be nice and depressing.
Okay this is just lame...I must stop this for tonight.
More depressing tales tommorow!
Patterns of Unhappiness
I noticed today that in the past where I thought my "changing my mind" complex and my "emotions" was fine because it was my decision, my choice, whatever and it is a hard thing to reconcile. Where once all I really thought about was how
I feel in a situation or what is happening with
me, what is a "healthy" situation for
me is all really wrong when you are in relationship with someone. At that point your needs are no longer the priority anymore. You have the capability to either bless someone's life, or really fawk it up. In my lifetime I think I have been the latter more that the blessing. I see how my actions have hurt others, how I continually seem to disappoint people and it makes me so angry. There is this person inside of me that longs to be freed, that craves the Light, that desires the altruism of Mother Teresa, but have nothing.
I could spit out pretty Christian language and tell you that in our weakness he will be our strength and make beautiful things out of everything according to his perfect will but the reality is...I have done that and fawked it up. I have done "kind" or "loving" things, I have "prayed" for people. I have also been spiritually abusive toward people, manipulative, and a duplicitous person that would be up in the ranks of the best of the Pharisees. And I call myself a Christian? Ok...maybe I will settle with the title of really fawked up Christian.
I made the biggest mistake of my life this week. It was a learning experience
.(See revision below) In addition to the above, I learned that I am selfish and confused little girl that make emotional frustrated decisions at times and that is wrong. I loved him more than I ever imagined I could love another person and he loved me to. And I screwed it up.
Love that consumed the both of us is now destroyed
I sit fragile and broken
The future that was filled with dreams and a love of life shared
Is now just uncertainty as to what is next
The visions of me in white by pale candlelight as two become one
Replaced with emptiness and loneliness
The distant cries and laughter of lives coming into existence
Is now the sounds of my weeping and laments
My soul is filled with regret
I would give anything to take back that moment
Where the voice of love was consumed by the voice of misunderstanding
I would give anything to have loved and not lost.
Learning Experience(REVISION)
What did I learn from this experience?
I learned that it is the most amazing thing to know that someone loves you. It is the most wonderful feeling to have someone hold you and feel so protected that you never want it to end. I learned that relationships are hard, and to be in a relationship you need to want to be in a relationship. You need to be so in love with another person that you are willing to do anything to be with that person, almost to the point where it seems a little crazy to everyone else.
I attempted to love another. I was not expecting to feel the way that I did. I was completely caught up in the romance of the moment. Do I love him? Yes I do. Do I love him enough to give him my future? I think I loved him enough to think about a possible future with him. Do I love him enough to sacrifice my dreams? No.
Somewhere along the lines I realized that I was not being all that I could be
.(Revision...I was something different that I imagined I could be) It all started when Biz pointed out that I was more fun when he wasn't around.
(Who isn't more fun when they are around a bubbly outgoing person?)Then was perpetuated when another friend said that I am not happy and I should not settle
.(Which in reality...can others determine your happiness...NO!) Finally I realized that all of this time I wanted something else but didn't want to hurt him
.(I didn't want to hurt him because I had so many wonderful things with him...I didn't want him to think he was lacking) I realized that his insecurities of my friendships with other men was always going to be there unless he dealed with his own personal insecurity
.(I misunderstood the conversation)The reality is...I don't think I am ever going to find someone that I am not going to get sick of
.(Who doesn't get annoyed or sick of their partner?) I don't think I am ever going to be ready...I have too many things that I want to do and so many of those things it is easier to be single for
.(Two days later I realize that those things don't matter if I am not with the person that I love.)
single again once more!
(and it fucking sucks. I intially put the exclaimation point to try and be hopeful...but who am I kidding)
I love the men in my life
Today I got an e-card from Eric and it said the following:
Hey Kat
Thanks for being a cool friend in my time of semi-crazy life things.
Thanks pal
Eric
I went to pack up some boxes tonight at McVickers and found a card in the mail from Carter that said:
I know it's not Valentine's Day or your Birthday but I just wanted to say I love you. Love Me.
Such great guys in my life! I feel so loved.
Moment with God
I had this moment the other day where I was playing the piano and singing my heart out to God. I cannot remember exact wording but it went a little something like this:
I love you. This I cannot deny. What I do not love is faking my life. What I do not love is feeling like I need to be a certain way in order to have relationship with you. Feeling like you have a set agenda of how I am supposed to perform in order to be in relationship with you. Feeling pressure to do things that I at times do not want to do. So this is where I am at God. I don't want to fake it. I just want to love you and have that be enough. I want to be honest with myself cause all of this time...you know where I have been and you loved me.
This is why I am changing. This is why I am bitter. I am bitter toward myself for faking it and angry toward people that have not loved me or accepted me unless I were doing things their way.
More processing...
I am so...
Hmm...today I am tired. Yesterday I was tired. The day before I was bitter, angry, happy and hopeful. The day before that I was happy and content. Today I am realizing that processing through emotions and anger is exhausting.
Elizabeth will be here today!
Eric is gone for a week in San Francisco. Jerk.
Carter has the weekend off...hmm...maybe he will help me pack.
13 days until we move in to townhouse!
30 days until my birthday and 33 until Eric, Erin, and I go to Jack Johnson!
You know you are cynical when...
Someone says,"God is good" in a cheery praise-y tone and you roll your eyes.
Weirdo Dream #2
I remember years ago when I first began my journey toward learning alot of knowledge about how to live the christian life I thought I heard God speaking to me through scripture. It was in the second chapter of Ezekiel where God is calling him to prophesy. God says something like... "I am calling you to a rebellious nation though they do not hear you speak what I have given you..."
I remember when I heard that I thought I heard the voice of God clearly for the first time in my life. I knew that God was calling me into a rebellious nation, to speak love, live truth, and show Jesus to a people that were without hope.
It is only now years later that I see how far away from this I got. It is funny in a sick twisted sort-of-way, how God can communicate to people and we fuck it up because we hear what we want to hear. We also hear based upon our paradigms of the world, God, etc.
Somewhere along the way His voice became not enough. Somewhere along the way I picked up this warped accountability/allowing people to speak into your life ideology that is quite abusive. Somewhere I believed it was not ok to do things unless you had approval from your pastor, and when I didn't have approval...it meant that I was fucked up. It meant that I was "running away from God". It is just recently that I realized that I can actually have relationship with God even if I am not "for" this thing called Vineyard. I can actually have relationship with God outside of the church.
Of course now that I have used the big "A" word I will be making a big deal out of what is perceived as nothing. But abuse is a serious thing...even if it is spiritual abuse. In fact the scars of spiritual abuse are buried so deep in biblical fallicies it is hard to know what is truth and what is not.
Truth is not afraid of the light. Truth-seekers are not afraid to be confronted with there wrong doing. When things are not talked about...that is hiding in the dark. When someone is asked to confront their abuser rather than being protected by the people who are God supposed "leaders" that is abusive. Truth seekers are not defensive about their behaviors....for if they are seeking truth there is no wrong. Truth seekers can understand and set healthy boundaries.
At Urban Vineyard Church(aka Mergy Church) this did not happen. Things were never brought into the light. Instead of talking about things(healthy) they were only talked about with certain people EVEN THOUGH many people felt or perceived the unhealthiness all around. It is not healthy to not talk about things, nor is it healthy to move on and pretend like everything is fine and moving forward. Cause it isn't.
Weirdo Dream Thoughts #1
I had this dream last night that caused me to think. I was going to an ELI event, not because I wanted to but because part of me wanted to believe that I could give this whole Vineyard thing a shot again. I missed the first evening and the next morning was hanging out in this coffee shop that I have dreamed about before. It is fairly large with alot of light coming in, very mod style, and bright. It is located near the homes of Nigel and Kim Carter, Wayne and Connie Purdom, and Jimmy John and Donna Morris(all old friends from Yakima), but it is in SE Portland, up near where the Sapphire Hotel is on Hawthorne.
I am sitting out on the patio area and W & C, do not see me sitting at the table next to them. Wayne sees me, gets up, and pinches me on the arm as I am thinking what an obnoxious asshole he is. I decide that because of this I will go to that evenings event rather than skipping out. I was having coffee with E.W. and listening to her once again bitch about the church.
We arrived at this quasi-amphitheatre place at the Vancouver Vineyard. They were listing the different workshops that were being taught. EW went off to spew her agenda once again and I sat and listened. There was a workshop being taught about blogging by Katrina Delarosa. I was confused and realized that there was another K.D. that would be teaching. The woman walked up at first appearing older, but at closer look she looked exactly like me. In fact she was me. She went up and said she decided not to teach and that she needed someone to fill in. I volunteered. I walked forward and she went to hand me her notes that were bullet pointed and I thought I will try to use these but I don't think I will. She began to change her mind and pulled them back. I told her that I could do it and I didn't need her because I am the original Kat and I don't need a double.
I stepped up to the podium and I didn't look at the notes and I shared from my heart. I shared about how blogging was a meditative thing for me. As I hear the clicking of the keys on my laptop, as I fall into the rhythm of creating, telling my story, being heard without having to speak. I let out all of my emotion, raw, unashamed and honest.
There were alot of people not listening and I was ok with that. The old me would have been really irritated. The new me sees that my job is not to get people to listen, my job is to speak. To create. To live. God will turn their ears if it is to be heard.
First Thursday
Tonight Eric, Karen(Eric's adorable girlfriend), Heather and I went down to the Pearl and checked out some great art. We walked, chatted, and enjoyed the moment. I was excited that Karen was able to come and we talked throughout the night and I really enjoyed her.
After our gallery time we went to Laurelwood for drinks. Three Mandarin Strawberry Lemonades later(vodka, Grand Marnier, and some other crap) I walked my tipsy butt home(three blocks from my house). I chatted a bit at the bar with Karen and she was so honest and wonderful.
I decided that instead of Eric attending the Alanis Morisette concert that Karen, Heather, and I will attend, driving Eric's Nissan Murano, then come home to drinks and dinner made my our bitch Eric. He agreed. I love having compliant friends. Compliant is not the right word....servant friends, friends who care about others above themselves.
So it is girl's night tommorow! Cannot wait!
Being Torn Down
I am at a place in my life where I feel as if God is ripping out a lot of me, tearing me down to build me back up. Pruning shall we say. During any pruning process it is painful. Very painful.
Over the last few weeks I have realized that there are some very toxic relationships in my life that are not helping, but rather harming me. In these cases, generally I would ignore the problem and hope that it would solve itself. Lately this has not been working so well. I have had to be pro-active in taking steps toward wholeness and setting boundaries with a few of my relationships. It is weird to be in this place where God is cleaning out so much, yet there are very few people around me. I do however believe this is a good thing.
There are times in our life where I think we do need a community of people that nurture and be Light in each others lives. I am not in that season. A majority of what I am going through are these deep faith struggles that at times knownone can understand and it forces you to have to look within yourself to find the Light. I am in the dark musty places beginning to feel and smell life. It is painful but hopeful.
Today on my drive home I saw an old dingy apartment building being torn down on 20th and Morrison. There was a distinct calm voice on the radio as I thought on how I very much feel like that building. I feel as if I am being ripped apart, torn down. Beside the wrecking thing were two men who were hosing down the area so that the dust would stay down. I thought...if I am the building who are the people who are hosing me down? Who are the people that I have holding the hose of God's living waters pouring into my life during this demolition?
Tonight I went over to my friends the Jeanseauxs house. They are a couple of my hosers along with a couple of other people. I realized that there are very few people that I would say love me for me, because there are only a few people that I would say I have made my full self known. Tonight I took a step closer to authenticity....or so I think. Tonight I told the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth so help me God. Tonight I did not perform, I did not say what I was supposed to say, I did not worry about hurting someone. I got to be Kat and that was enough.
In the midst of being ripped apart I mourn the loss of the person I was for so many years and I look toward the hope of the person that will be birthed out of this. I long for the reality, I crave truth, and I want to be honest about where I am at...for the first time in my life.
Good times meeting the parents
This weekend could not have possibly gone any better than it did. Carter and I went home to meet my family in Yakima. We had a family barbeque, went to the Toppenish Rodeo, hung out with Erin on Sun. and had a huge family breakfast on Sunday morning. It was perfection.
First off...he held his own in conversation with my family. He and my stepdad Carl, chatted for what seemed like forever about hunting, fishing, and other stuff that I did not hear. I have never heard Carl talk that much. Everything was perfect. I was deliriously happy when I was able to spend quality time with my 15 yr old cousin, Stephanie while he played croquet with the men. He fits right in.
Sunday we had breakfast with my parents then met up with Erin, my beloved friend. This was a HUGE hoop that he was having to jump through...she loved him too. He passed through with flying colors. We chatted, had margaritas, and went to the Farmer's Market, then back to her house to hang out with Linda her mom for a bit. It was lovely and cannot wait for our wedding someday...Linda will be a hoot!
In the evening we went to my first rodeo and I had a blast! I cannot believe that I actually enjoyed it...but it was so much fun...I definitely will go again. We ate greasy food(yucko blooming onion and a corn dog), which later made me EXTREMELY sick. We dropped my parents off and went out to Antanum and lit some fireworks.
This morning another family gathering over a wonderful breakfast in which we all talked about farting and gross things that are in our food. Yeah it was good family conversation. We drove home the long way and went to Carter's for dinner, movie, and good chatting time. He really liked my family.
This weekend for me was so important and it went amazingly well. I know in a greater way that I am in love with the most wonderful guy and my family digs him as well. It felt like this weekend was the final loop for me. There are no more hoops to jump through except giving it more time.
Funny
My friend Jeanseau sent this to me today:
Two West Texas farmers, Jim and Bob, are sitting at
their favorite bar, drinking beer.
Jim turns to Bob and says, "You know, I'm tired of
goin' through life without an education. Tomorrow, I
think I'll go to the Community College and sign up
for some classes."
Bob thinks that's a good idea, and the two leave.
The next day Jim goes to the college and meets the
dean of admissions, who signs him up for four classes:
math, English, history, and logic.
"Logic?" Jim says, "What's that?"
The dean says, "I'll show you. Do you own a weed-eater?"
"Yeah."
"Then logically because you own a weed-eater, you
must have a yard."
"That's true, I do have a yard."
"I'm not done," the dean says. "Because you have a
yard, you must have a house."
"Yes, I do have a house."
"And because you have a house, you probably have a
family."
"I have a family."
"I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then
logically you must have a wife."
"Yes, I do have a wife."
"And because you have a wife, then you must be a
heterosexual."
"I am a heterosexual. That's amazing. ! You were able
to find out all of that because I have a weed-eater."
Excited to take the class now, Jim shakes the dean's
hand and leaves to meet Bob at the bar.
He tells Bob about his classes, how he is signed up
for math, English, history and logic.
"Logic?" Bob says, "What's that?"
Jim says, "I'll show you. Do you have a weed-eater?"
"No."
"Then you're gay."
