Chicken Pox or something like it....
Today while at work I began to develop a bunch of little red spots all over my body. Remembering I heard somewhere that chicken pox was going around I called Julie, and CP was going around her neighborhood.
So I went to the doctor...
None of the spots are blistering yet so we have to wait a couple of days to see if they are going to blister...which would mean I have chicken pox. The doctor told me to take Benadryl and put cream on. So I am now sitting here drugged up on Benadryl and drinking a beer. I was thinking perhaps it was just an allergic reaction to something...but the spots are still there and they itch like crazy.
Please pray that I do not have chicken pox...cause that would suck.
Crazy people suck
Anger is a blinding thing. You must control your anger young Anakin. Oh wait...umm...I must control my anger.
I had a crazy person in my life and after I decided I did not want the person in my life she still tries to pop in...this time in a little action called, "Triangulation." It is a very unhealthy communication pattern that is learned in dysfunctional families. I know it well as I served under the title of "Triangle Mistress" at different points in my life. Triangulation is when someone is not able to communicate directly to another so they use a third party to do so...and it is so lame.
I was spewing profanities on the phone to my friend Erin tonight and sent out a really angry email. This whole getting in touch with my pain and feelings is turning me a little more to the dark side. In addition to me moving to the suburbs I am almost ready to take the title,"Darth Kat" or "Kat Vader."
Reading about codependancy I see now that if one person in the relationship decides to work through the stuff and the other is content with being a psycho then a real relationship will never work. Not only one person can pursue wholeness while the other doesn't.
A thought...
So here is my thought. Often I have heard the terms "shut off", "emotionally unavailable", or "not truly living" to describe people. Often similar thoughts have crossed my mind when engaging in relationship with people. Today I pondered upon the idea that perhaps what ones perception says is "emotionally unavailable" or "not truly feeling" is actually the person having healthy boundaries or is not run over by there emotions.
I realized today that a friend of mine is what I would have once said was shut off is actually just really good at setting healthy emotional boundaries. He does not let emotion sway his decision, he lets his morality lead it. Meaning...he lets what he deemed right or wrong in his mind be the deciding factor...not his emotions. Some would view this as a hinderance, but others would say it is a healthy thing. I think it is a healthy thing in part.
Just a thought...
Good times with friends
Tonight Eric, Carter, Heather and I went out to dinner at BJ's. We laughed, drank, cursed and had a great time. I am pretty sure we have convinced Heather that she needs to move here..which is good because she is the most adorable Southern girl I have ever met. There is something so wonderful and gentle(and I am pronouncing it genteeeele) about her. She is far more mature than her age and quite insightful. It would be excellent to have her as a permanent addition to the forming "gang".
Elizabeth will be here July 10th and I am SOOOO excited! Thus far she seems so nice and it will be great having a "Newbie" to show around PDX. She is going to be staying with Eric for the first couple of weeks she is here then it will be townhouse city for us gals! Did I mention that she has the first 5 seasons of Sex and the City on DVD?!?!?! I cannot wait for her to get here! The first weekend she is here it is "good times" central as we will introduce her to the fine microbrews of the Northwest. Cannot decide where the first place we should take her should be....I have time to think.
Had a good chat with Erin the other day. I love Miss Smith more yesterday than I have ever loved her in my entire life. She brought me to tears as we talked about relationships, life, and commitment. I am so excited to see her this weekend and for her to meet Carter.
Yep this weekend is it. Carter and I are going home to meet my parents. Yep. Uh huh. Yep. Uh huh. That is all I have to say. Oh wait...we are going to a rodeo on Saturday night. He has been threatening to wear boots and a cowboy hat....I told him, "Honey we are city people...we don't wear that kind of stuff." We leave Friday night and we are staying at my sister's house which will be fun to spend time with them and chat. Hopefully they are awake and lively. Saturday fun filled day with family, Sunday hopefully fun filled day with Erin. We'll see what happens.
So yeah that is it.
Jerry and Elaine meets Eric and Kat
My friend Eric sent me an email today that said our conversations are like a Seinfeld episode(true). He said we are like Jerry and Elaine talking about our relationships and life.
My friend Eric is very much like Jerry. In fact he is very funny, kind, and is always trying to figure out how to have sex with women. Eric like Jerry has had alot of psycho relationships. Actually wait. It was usually normal women that Jerry picked apart. Well in Eric's case...he has had a couple of crazies lately. Eric is always open to having people over to his house and is one of the most generous people I know. I always feel at home when I am at Eric's. He is really good about laughing at people's problems...quite like Jerry.
One last thing...in regard to the kindness aspect of Eric. He had an extra ticket to see Alanis at the Schnitz....he is taking me! July 11th baby! Acoustic set! Can't wait...
Pain Sucks
So I am on this whole facing pain kick right? Good to embrace pain? Yes...good to be in touch with things that hurt you.
So Carter and I tried to go to Mergy Church tonight. We were there for five minutes and I lost it. Full on tears. Yeah it is still WAY too painful and think it is best for me to just stay away until I get things a bit more weeded out.
So I grasp that facing pain is good, but at times it might be best taken in small doses. So that you are not having to numb yourself later from the shock of it all like I did.
The key that I think I came to a greater understanding of was something that Ruth said to me about God is going to keep doing whatever work He is doing in me, whether I am at Mergy or I am somewhere else.
I am still dreaming of a day where I am able to face the darkness and step toward the future. To have the placidity of God's shalom resting on me. To be in the place where I am no longer haunted of the past.
Painfully Pursuing Authenticity
My best friend Sarah is the most insightful person that I know. She sees me, she knows me, and I love that.
I had a baring of soul conversation with her today and laid everything out. EVERYTHING. It felt so freeing to reveal myself to her and have her love me despite my shortcomings and faults. She truly knows what it means to love me.
We discussed the excitement of new friendships(Elizabeth) and the ending of another. It was so amazing to have her "therapist view" on dependant people. I have been manipulated in so many ways and can now see the light at the end of the tunnel. I feel freedom for the first time in a long time.
We talked about knowing oneself and trusting what God says to us and how that can be skewed at times because of our ideas of what our value or worth is. If we truly are people that believe what God says about us, what He thinks about us, that will radically change the way that we view our lives, our world.
I see the journey I find myself on is a journey toward Christ, walking as he is identifying and calling out the "who I am", the woman within, the voice within. I was reading today that the Latin term for vocation is "voice". In a deeper more painful way I am finding myself in Christ, finding my heart, which has been hidden beneath the scabs and wounds of the past, in that finding my voice which will carry me toward my future, in Him.
Often I think that we do not know what authenticity is. It has become the token phrase our postmodern culture uses to seem as if we know what the hell we are talking about or so our churches and ministries sound ever so fucking cool. True authenticity, true God-head authenticity can only be birthed in the created knowing the Creator, knowing the heart of the Creator, and becoming vessels of the vibrancy of the creative in our worlds. To share a cup of water to the thirsty, to see injustice and want to make it right...
Authenticity like this can only be found through walking through your pain. It is only when we are faced with darkness can we begin to see the beauty of the Light, experience true joy, and real love.
One of those mornings
It is one of those mornings where all I want to do is stay in bed and cuddly up with my comforter and forget all thoughts of the chaos around me.
Things to be cleaned, organized, written that I have no energy to do. Conversations to mull over, books to be read. I just want to lay here in the inbetween, between existence and non-participating existence.
I want to forget everything that has happened in the last week and pretend I didn't lose someone, didn't have strep, and didn't have to take a week away from the world. Actually it would be kind of cool if I could erase the last few years from my life...and only keep the happy moments, the joyous moments. I suppose the good would not seem so good in the absence of the bad.
I hate these lethargic moments in my life. Where there is no motivation to do anything, to engage anyone, to write anything, to create anything.
Perhaps if I take a step...as hard as that is...take a step toward living, toward the mess, toward the chaos, I will instinctively have the energy to take the next step.
Ok I am going to make a list...
You know you are angry when...
you are trying to ask Jesus to give you His heart in a situation and you can just spew curse words.
And the only picture you can muster in your head is of Jesus throwing over tables in the temple.
I have re-told this story to my mom, dad, stepmom, my boss and Carter(all people I value), who then relayed it to Mike and Tiffany. It is not appropriate that my boundary was crossed.
Concensus was:
Action must be taken in light of reoccuring endless drama.
I don't think it is fair to view someone as being unfair(or hypocritical) if they have set healthy boundaries for what is acceptable and not acceptable behavior with one's boyfriend. I think it comes down to a trust issue...or a lack thereof.
And truly...can I have an authentic relationship with someone if that person is not being honest? Or honestly aware that their behavior is extremely unhealthy for others around them...namely me?
I have been reading up on spiritual abuse lately and realized that perhaps the way that I view forgiveness is not all together healthy. I have often thought if you truly have forgiven someone you are able to move on and allow that relationship to progress, in fact the perpetrator in the situation would encourage this. However, it is not implying that because you have forgiven, you are able to place yourself in a vunerable place again...especially after several deep woundings. It might be best to allow space, for new relationships that do not require so much painful maintenance to be on the plate.
Just some thoughts while I lay here with strep throat...
Speaking of dreams...
One of the redeeming qualities of Holyweird is their production of films about those who persue dreams.
Yesterday my family went and saw "Robots."
The film failed to draw any real emotion from me.
But there was one moment, where the father tells his son that a
"dream you don't fight for can haunt you for the rest of your life."
Now, i am still a little to young to introspect much.
But i do know that i use to dream.
There came a time in my life that i felt those dreams were out of reach... forever
and i decided to set them aside.
Why waste my time on them?
Why keep rattling the handle of locked doors?
Why keep praying to a god that does not care?
i walked away.
completely.
First... i became numb.
This must be the best way to not feel.
Second... i became callouse.
This must be the best way to not get hurt.
I then became narcistic and hedonistic.
My full persuit of pleasure left me empty, but wanting more.
Unquentiable, i ran full force toward everything and everyone that i could get something out of. My desire, my appetite continued to go unfulfilled and i damaged a lot of people in my wake.
i sought after the kinds of things that touch my body...
not realizing that i had a deep need for the kind of intimacy that touches my soul.
Haunted?
Well, it is difficult to sleep when you have no dreams.
On Febuary the 11th, 2003 i wrote the following:
VALENTINES day will mark my third anniversary of being a selfish ass.i have had so much fun over the last three years,but where has it gotten me?i am more distantmore disconnectedi am less caringless compassionateThinking about what made me make that decision though... i'd make it all over again.Because i am now callous to theanger,criticism,deceit,games...i'd rather be comfortably numb then back there again.That final statement is true.
So true.
But, i continued down that path i was on and do you know where it got me?
Depressed.
How can someone who doesn't feel get depressed?
I created a dark place for myself:
sleepless nights,
catotonic days,
wild and crazy weekends!
Depressed.
How did i end up here?
I gave up on my dreams, i know i won't get them - i accept that so life should be fine.
I am having more fun than i could imagine having!
I no longer feel pain.
Depressed?
Medication...
Therapy...
I was counseled to find something to give myself to. It was recomended that i give myself to my kids and to a community...
Fast Forward>>
Here we are a couple of years later.
God rescued me through a love that i found in the oddest of places.
She gives me love, His love.
The smashing reality that this is from Him lead me to seek Him again.
So here i am
a little damaged
a little broken
a little "wise"
a lot vulnerable
a lot scared
a lot skeptical
but the dreams are returning
and the new life has begun.
Family ties
This weekend I drove to the Puyallup area(Bonney Lake) to visit my dad and stepmom. It was fun to catch up on all the family info. We went to a BBQ Saturday and there were a tons of uncles and aunts, cousins, and nieces and nephews that I didn't know. It was weird to be there...knowing that they are not "really" my family. Most of you know that when I was 21, I found out that my dad is not my biological dad. It is weird to be with a family that for most of my childhood were weird and distant toward me. This lead me to a long thought process of what family really is. I have not come to any conclusions except this one: It is when you are home with people. It is true that you have blood lines that some feel run deep and are the most important relationships in your life. I have found that alot of my friendship provide that for me. But what about when your friends leave? When your friends hurt you? It often appears easier to leave these situations than it is to leave family ties.
So I wonder...have I spent all of these years wasted on building relationships with people that in the end are just going to fail? In the end not provide the same level of intimacy as family? Should I spend this time investing in my family...most of who I do not enjoy being around?
I am saddened that I was so committed to several relationships over the years only to realize now that the reasons we were in relationship was merely because I filled a role or went to church with them. I don't think this is the way that relationships are supposed to be. I think that when you give your heart to someone that means something...and it shouldn't be taken lightly. I think we have a great power in our relationships and with great power comes great responsibility.
Sunset at Ecola
It was quiet and still
It was romantic and silly
It was placid and other-worldly
It was beautiful and awe-inspiring
It was engaging...we soaked in the moment
It was home
It was peace
We were surrounded in the glow of the sun
It brought tears to my eyes to be praying and know
You can have your way with us O Lord.
No words to describe the sun setting as we were consumed with
Love
Summer of love, pain, and lots of reading
My plan for the summer was to read. Currently there are 15 books on my must read list and I just added the Palmer book and four books on spiritual abuse and co-dependency. I also had plans to write this summer about where I am at, what is shifting in me, and where I think I am headed. I planned to spend alot of down time, which is much needed. My friend Sarah finally pinned it down for me when she said, "You are an outgoing introvert and are re-energized by having alone time." It is very true and I guess I had never really looked at why I freaked out when I did not have alone time. This is definitely causing some minor issues in the whole dating relationship scene. Carter is amazing and understanding when we are in the car and I say, "Can we have some quiet time?" or when "I just need to stay home and write." He is so patient and loves me the way Jesus loves me through it...even when I am grumpy.
I don't really get why God chose this time for him to make the grand entrance into my life because I am supposed to be spending the summer working through some identity/performance/pride/shame issues. I am supposed to be allowing God to love me in unlovely places, and to begin the healing process in regard to my Mergy Church/past church hurt issues. Lately it seems as if all of these things that I have been thinking and that God has been trying to communicate for years are finally clicking together. The time where I need most to focus on allowing God to love me in hard areas is the time that I begin to fall in love with an amazing guy who is completely in love with me.
Maybe Jesus knows that I need alot of love during this time and that is why he is here.
Weirdo Stuff
Every now and then I will just think of a random name. I know it is crazy, but it happens. I just found the notes Trissa and I were passing back and forth during the first service of Mergy Church. I remember sitting there and I got the name,"Parker Palmer." I wrote it down...
Today I was reading a blog and someone quoted an author with the same name. So I googled the name and then went to Amazon and bought his book:
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/0787947350/104-9693078-8006361?v=glance
Thought it was very interesting.
Meeting the parents and I am turning into one of those annoying girls that all they talk about is their boyfriend...
Now for those of you who have not taken the "meet the parents" plunge in awhile...let me tell you it is not fun. In fact it is terrifying. So terrifying in fact that you want to avoid it as much as possible. Unless you are truly falling in love with someone be smart and run as far away as you can from this potentially life scarring situation.
I cannot run because I AM indeed falling deeply in love.
Last weekend Carter and I went to meet his mom and his stepdad out in Scappose(sp). For those of you that have not been to Scappose, it is the most redneck town that I have ever been too. It is worse than Selah folks. Kinda like Moxee. Carter warned me before hand that his stepdad was some what disgusting and has a tendency to make alot of sex jokes and could potentially make lewd comments. Let's just say I scored major brownie points because I have shot a gun and I am not opposed to other people hunting. We walked up to the house and he was checking me out, asking questions and as he kept looking at me I said, "Do you want me to turn around so you can look at my ass?" Needless to say this broke the ice...and they liked me.
This weekend we drove up to Salem to visit with his Dad, Stepmom, sister, and I met his aunt. They were all extremely friendly and I really enjoyed spending time with them. Carter thought that was because they are all so dysfunctional...it was a "fixer/helper" persons dream. We went to grab stuff from his storage area, talked with his aunt, then we went to Artic Circle for lunch.
It was confirmed for me today that he is a keeper. He knows what fry sauce is. Yes my friends. He knows about the delectable orangey goodness. Most people in PDX do not know about it...but being from Salem...he does. I told him we will have to go to Burger Ranch when we go to Yakima for the 4th of July.
We have been having a rough couple of days and I think are realizing the weight of this thing called love. It is really hard being in a relationship with someone you love who is also the same person who can irritate the hell out of you, disappoint you, and drive you crazy. I have rolled my eyes more in the last 48 hours than I have in the entirity of the last year...but I love him. As crazy and as that is...I do.
I was not doing so hot with the whole "infactuation" stage, where we were all giddy and girly(him more than me), it was hard for me not to have my romance seeped in reality. I knew that once we got to the hard stuff I would have an easier time functioning cause I love it. I think that we show our true self in conflict, in difficulties. I love that we are seeing our flaws and working through it. It makes me love him even more.
Oh and I also love that he called me on some stuff on the phone this morning. He pointed out something to me that I am pretty sure I intellectually grasp, but it has not connected over into the way I walk out my life. It was really good to hear.
Ok enough gushing for now...
This thing called love
Sometimes I spout off pretty little thoughts to God about how much I love Him. It is goes a something like this:
Kat: God I love you. I love what you are about. Why do I love what you are about? Oh probably cause I love you. Your mission is so worth living for. Your mission is so worth living and dying for. Well maybe not the dying part...that whole sacrifice thing is kinda hard to get my mind around. I don’t get that whole “giving everything” thing. I know I should...but I still don’t because there is so much that I love it is hard to think about letting it go...but I guess I logically understand why...or maybe it is that I want to get it...but I really don’t.
God: Umm yeah ok.
Yesterday I was walking in a park with “Jake”, the little boy I nanny and I was singing the “I love you” song. The song consists of me singing, “ I love you” in the silliest voice possible until he replies to my adoration with the same goofy toned, “I love you”. Most of the time I imagine he thinks his nanny is smothering him with all of this love, but it is the most adorable thing when he says, “I love you”. He was walking ahead of me in the freshly cut green grass as my song poured forth. He looked back at me as if I were retarded. He is too young to be looking at me like that. I kept on singing....he would occasionally turn around and look at me with a little grin. After singing what seemed like forever of my love for him he stopped. He turned around and fully acknowledged me. I squat down to the ground with my arms out and he ran to me, threw his little chubby arms around my neck and said, “I love you Kat.” He then continued down the path, looking over his shoulder to make sure that I was near.
It seems as if daily through this tiny creature, I am learning more about God’s love and provision for me. I keep on walking, He keeps on watching. He sings to me the songs of deliverance, songs of peace, songs of love and sometimes I listen and am in tune to the melodies, sometimes I am not. If I stop long enough, if I wait and turn around I see that He is ever present, ever faithful, ever just, despite my wandering. Cause all He really wants is me. All He really wants is to feel my arms around Him, burying my head into His neck and to sing to him, “ I love you.” And I do.
Dread oh Dread
I have to go to Christian Supply today(cringe, cringe)
The only one that has the book I need is in the suburbs which makes it even worse.
I hate the reality of this shit...
Found this on
www.jordancooper.com:
Brotherly Love
This came via One House
www.onehouse.blogs.com and was published in Creative Loafing.
BY MICHAEL WALL
* Estimated cost of the new 3,000-seat North Point Ministries church to be built on Lenox Road: $40 million
* Annual budget of the largest church in Atlanta, First Baptist Church: $13 million
* Number of uninsured children in Georgia: 166,000
* Approximate cost to give a basic check-up, without blood tests or vaccines, to all those children: $12,450,000
* Approximate number of Sudanese refugees who've fled to neighboring Chad because of tribal warfare: 250,000
* Cost to shelter and feed those refugees for one year: $13,590,000
* Minimum number of homeless people in metro Atlanta 37,000
* Minimum number of meals provided to homeless by the Open Door Community each year: 15,600
* Annual budget of the nonprofit Open Door Community: $440,000
* Number of times Jesus lost his temper in the New Testament 1** He threw money changers out of a temple in Jerusalem.
Sources: Atlanta Journal-Constitution, Georgia Department of Community Health, Georgia Chapter of the American Academy of Pediatrics, Save Darfur Coalition, CARE, Metro Atlanta Task Force for the Homeless, Open Door Community
Link
I am falling in love with the most wonderful boy
I guess he is a man. He is so silly sometimes I wonder. He cracks the silliest little jokes and we laugh alot. I love that he makes me laugh.
I love the way he smells. I feel safe and warm when he hugs me and my face is buried against his chest and I breath in his scent.
I love the way he has a little grey coming in...it is so George Clooney and very cute. I dig the grey hair.
I love the way he tells me at least three times we are together how wonderful and beautiful he thinks I am. He says it in this way that makes it feel as if it's the first time he has said it to me.
I love his passion. Scattered bits of his heart that God is tugging in different directions that he is becoming more aware of everyday. I love that he loves, engages and listens to people. He is so good at being with people.
I love that he made me the most amazing dinner on Friday. It was so detailed, he put so much thought and effort into it. I love that he can cook...althought I think he may cook better than me.
I loved meeting his family today. This will definitely will be a memorable day.
I am falling in love with the most wonderful boy
All that is inbetween...
I was collage/painting today and I was thinking about my friend Julie. Julie is this amazing artist, mom, wife, and person. She loves to paint, but where she is in her life right now she is not able to give alot toward creating beautiful paintings. Instead her paintings, her creation, her expression is in the lives of her children. The art in which she is devoted to right now is the creation within her girls. She co-laboring to molding, shaping, forming the beauty that God is developing in her daughters, Hannah, Abi, and Ella.
Julie, because she is a passionate person about God, her gifting, in the church was encouraged to walk out her gifting and encourage others to do so in the church gathering time. Encouraged to build the kingdom. Good thing. However, it was not the season for that. It is the season to nurture little spirits.
I has been reflecting upon what it means to be apart of the church the entire time I have been a Christian. To be honest, alot of times I feel like I should do things because I am "gifted", God has "called" me, or whatever other word you want to use to describe it. I feel guilty if I am not doing what others think I should be doing. I know others have felt the same way. The reality for me has become this:
I cannot live my life according to what others perception of what my calling or gifting is or how that should be walked out. I have to do it the way that God has knit me to do it even if that means that it looks different. Even if I piss people off or disappoint them.
I think that this is something that we often do in the church. We see this great potential in people, we get it in our minds how we think they should be, and when they fall short of our vision(yep that is what it is), we think they are wrong, so we try to fix them. Or we disengage them. How fucked up is that? I have seen it happen over and over to people. I have done it. There is a term for this:
Co-dependency. Yep my friends. Vocabulary word of the day. It is so prevalent in most churches today, in fact if you google co-dependency and you go down the 10 questions to identify co-dependency if you are like me you wonder,"What is wrong with someone of these things?" Isn't it kind to be a "helper", to protect people, and care for them? Yes and No. If we were truly caring, protecting, or helping people we would be able to not be cynical when they aren't up to par, or think that they have authority issues because they don't do what we think they should. I do this. All the time. It is sick and wrong.
The thing of it is...God has called us to love. Not just love when we want or when people are living their lives correctly, but all the time. That is what Jesus did. He loved everyone, the prostitutes, tax-collectors, even the Pharisees. His love is so deep, so extravangant, His plan so different than our thoughts...
Majesty where are you?
We have forgotten you in our ideology
We have hidden you in our plans.
Master, Master I call out to you
Can we find you in our piety?
Which often appears to be humility
Or at least what people would see as humility
In fact it is our hidden agendas, our hidden desires for greatness
For healthy churches, devoted disciples, so that we look good
Isn't about You? You are a Mystery
How dare we try to comprehend or understand
We cannot. We won't. Let's stop trying.
Maybe then the co-dependancy, the fixing will cease.
Maybe then we will stand back and watch You move
Watch You heal.
Watch You love.
Watch You fix.
Then we will be back in our rightful places
Just a vessel of You.
Then it will be ok to be a mommy
Not an "artist minister".
Water to the Desert
There are moments in my life that I call, "Know that I know" moments. They are these times where everything seems as if a 60watt has come on from overhead and all the light has made everything known. What was not known or hidden is seen...
Thursday evening was my last Philosophy of Religion class. During this quarter I have built several relationships with people, a couple I hope will last. All year we have had different people presenting topics that seem to have pitted the believers against the nonbelievers. I found myself all quarter in the middle, committed to one camp, yet feeling protective of the other. It felt like my army was shooting at the other side and I was crossing the lines to care for the wounds and encourage them that our Commander does not want to harm them...even though the army was killing them. It's hard to describe that the Commander really does have good intentions when the people who are committed to him are assholes.
I sat down with MBC Exclusivist boy before class and he proceeded to tell me that he has been trying to figure out,"where I am at" to know if I was a "sister". I spouted out the correct bible answer so we wouldn't argue. There wasn't any room for me to truly share of myself, but I tried a little. He told me that he felt really betrayed by the things that I said, like I was stabbing him in the back(oh the drama). Whenever people make broad dramatic comments like this...my radar goes off. I apologized and said it was not my intention to make him feel this way and I was sorry if I hurt him. Jake, agnostic boy who grew up in a christian house, came and sat down and talked about women in ministry. I sat there so proud of Jake. He is 20 and one of the smartest people I have ever met. I felt this overwhelming urge to hug him and so I did and said,"You will do great things, O wise Jacob." I was feeling very Obi-Wan at that point.
Later in class I looked around and noted all of the people I hung out with this term. Lacey, the gentle, passionate agnostic, who encouraged me to do what I preach. Heidi, the beautiful, funny lesbian, who was surprised I didn't freak out when she told me she had a girlfriend..."Cause your a Christian right?!?!?". Christy, the woman who wants to believe, but has not found any christians who were not annoying. Then Alisha. Wonderful mother, wife, full-time student. She is the girl that made my heart leap..funny, bright who knows God talks to her and avoiding Christians cause she doesn't want to get fawked up.
MBC guy....connected with the Christians. They all sat in the same area, he pulled out his bible while people were presenting. He cited scripture. It was Thursday night, that I had a picture of what is naturally happening around me. It is not the ones that are saved I connected with, but the ones who are seeking, digging beneath the crevaces and cracks of the couch of humanity looking for loose change. Looking for something of value, meaning, or at least something to buy them a good cup of joe. I hope that I can continue to dig with them.
I am not called to take the waters of life we have been given to the ocean, I am called to take it to the desert. To the barren, dry, cracked land. The places that need it most.
That is me.
